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I'm still struggling- need votes!
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<blockquote data-quote="slsh" data-source="post: 491512" data-attributes="member: 8"><p>klmno - this is a hard call in some ways; in others, not so much. My first concern is your safety and peace of mind. Having to lock stuff up in your trunk and keep keys on your person is no way to live, especially not when the kid is so close to 18. on the other hand, I really do know how badly you want difficult child home. </p><p></p><p>I think something else you have to consider - "reunification" is a bologna term at this point. in my humble opinion. It's not a matter of reunification anymore - it's can these 2 adults live safely in the same home, because for all intents and purposes, difficult child is an adult. You and difficult child are still a family - always have been. </p><p></p><p>Being the pessimist that I am, I think you have to look at worst case scenario in both options. (I'd skip worrying about whether or not difficult child knows you fought for him - if he doesn't know now, well... he never will.) I think a really *really* important factor is how much more can you do? How much more are you willing to go thru for this kid, if he continues to not be willing to do for himself? Is it in you to have him arrested one more time should he pull a similar stunt as last time, with what I'm sure would be the associated guilt I suspect you would feel, unjustified though it would be? Are you willing to continue to jump through whatever hoops the powers that be set up for *you* to jump thru? Do you think difficult child gets any of it, or do you think it's going to be right back to the same struggles you had before? </p><p></p><p>I didn't vote in the poll, but my gut says don't bring him home now. in my humble opinion, he's done nothing to earn back your trust. If he were anyone other than your child, this wouldn't even be a discussion (I hope!!! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /> ). Regardless of what your decision is, the outcome is not not NOT written in stone. Look at thank you. Yes, we've been on several round trips to Hades with- the kid, and absolutely, from age 18-20 was sheer torture as we watched him fumble around and make some *really* bad choices, but ... he survived and he's doing better, and <u>he</u> is the *only* reason he is doing better. We couldn't do it for him. Your kid could crash and burn in either setting, or he could do well in either setting. Again, it is entirely up to him and that's why I really think a huge factor in your decision needs to be how much more *you* can be put thru. It's not selfish to think in those terms. Quite frankly, it's time for difficult child to buck up and get on with his life. I have to admit that I'm a bit concerned that if you do bring him home and it goes bad, it will once again be all your fault (in his eyes) based on some of the things you've shared recently about him being scared and quitting and being "institutionalized". Argh - on the other hand, if you don't bring him home, it will be your fault... so pretty much, you're toast in that regard. So fault and blame need to be removed from the equation, because the reality is, it's *entirely* on difficult child's shoulders at this point, even if he doesn't get it. </p><p></p><p>Finally, you have to be able to live with the choice you make. If you chose X over Y, will you be able to sleep at night? If things do go really bad... well, I don't want to say can you live with it, because of course it's excruciating to watch our kids suffer, even if it's because of their own dumb choices... so... I think you need to be able to make peace, once and for all, with whichever choice you make, come what may. </p><p></p><p>Again, my primary concern is your well being. I don't think either choice is going to be easy, for him, but especially for you. From my perspective (which is old and tired and just plain worn out), I would make the choice that is best for *you*.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you. I know it's just terrifying to try and do the right thing and weigh so many factors and have the unknown variable of difficult child thrown in there for good measure.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="slsh, post: 491512, member: 8"] klmno - this is a hard call in some ways; in others, not so much. My first concern is your safety and peace of mind. Having to lock stuff up in your trunk and keep keys on your person is no way to live, especially not when the kid is so close to 18. on the other hand, I really do know how badly you want difficult child home. I think something else you have to consider - "reunification" is a bologna term at this point. in my humble opinion. It's not a matter of reunification anymore - it's can these 2 adults live safely in the same home, because for all intents and purposes, difficult child is an adult. You and difficult child are still a family - always have been. Being the pessimist that I am, I think you have to look at worst case scenario in both options. (I'd skip worrying about whether or not difficult child knows you fought for him - if he doesn't know now, well... he never will.) I think a really *really* important factor is how much more can you do? How much more are you willing to go thru for this kid, if he continues to not be willing to do for himself? Is it in you to have him arrested one more time should he pull a similar stunt as last time, with what I'm sure would be the associated guilt I suspect you would feel, unjustified though it would be? Are you willing to continue to jump through whatever hoops the powers that be set up for *you* to jump thru? Do you think difficult child gets any of it, or do you think it's going to be right back to the same struggles you had before? I didn't vote in the poll, but my gut says don't bring him home now. in my humble opinion, he's done nothing to earn back your trust. If he were anyone other than your child, this wouldn't even be a discussion (I hope!!! :winking: ). Regardless of what your decision is, the outcome is not not NOT written in stone. Look at thank you. Yes, we've been on several round trips to Hades with- the kid, and absolutely, from age 18-20 was sheer torture as we watched him fumble around and make some *really* bad choices, but ... he survived and he's doing better, and [U]he[/U] is the *only* reason he is doing better. We couldn't do it for him. Your kid could crash and burn in either setting, or he could do well in either setting. Again, it is entirely up to him and that's why I really think a huge factor in your decision needs to be how much more *you* can be put thru. It's not selfish to think in those terms. Quite frankly, it's time for difficult child to buck up and get on with his life. I have to admit that I'm a bit concerned that if you do bring him home and it goes bad, it will once again be all your fault (in his eyes) based on some of the things you've shared recently about him being scared and quitting and being "institutionalized". Argh - on the other hand, if you don't bring him home, it will be your fault... so pretty much, you're toast in that regard. So fault and blame need to be removed from the equation, because the reality is, it's *entirely* on difficult child's shoulders at this point, even if he doesn't get it. Finally, you have to be able to live with the choice you make. If you chose X over Y, will you be able to sleep at night? If things do go really bad... well, I don't want to say can you live with it, because of course it's excruciating to watch our kids suffer, even if it's because of their own dumb choices... so... I think you need to be able to make peace, once and for all, with whichever choice you make, come what may. Again, my primary concern is your well being. I don't think either choice is going to be easy, for him, but especially for you. From my perspective (which is old and tired and just plain worn out), I would make the choice that is best for *you*. Hugs to you. I know it's just terrifying to try and do the right thing and weigh so many factors and have the unknown variable of difficult child thrown in there for good measure. [/QUOTE]
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