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in-laws playing favorites?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mattsmom277" data-source="post: 370987" data-attributes="member: 4264"><p>What a trying situation and i wish I had good advice to offer. I would suggest that you and husband discuss what he thinks MIGHT work for him to say to his parents. </p><p></p><p>My mother always did this. My brother until adulthood (and no more contact between my mother and myself) always received multiple big ticket thoughtful presents while I always received a token gift that had zero thought. The very last Christmas gift I received from her was a 2 piece body wash/lotion set. They had been opened and used once each, and obviously were a gift to my mother that she didn't end up liking so threw in a gift bag and sent to me for Christmas morning. Despite my age, it hurt. Not so much the money but the extreme lack of thought or caring, which to me is the purpose of giving a gift. She did the same with my difficult child and easy child. difficult child was often given 4-5 gifts for birthday and christmas. She would ask what they both wanted, buy several nice things off difficult child's list, pick nothing off easy child's wish list but instead buy some discounted video at the grocery store that was wildly not age appropriate or a discounted teddy bear with the price still on. Why she managed to always leave price tags on my things or easy child's, but managed to remove from my bro's and difficult children? Well to prove her point more <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>I ended the madness years before I ended all contact, by refusing to allow more than $20 per child per occassion, max. Period. She really didn't like it. She'd never SPENT $20 on easy child for a gift. But she'd never spent less than a hundred and up on difficult child. So she was at first trying to sneak around it, but I refused to allow her to. I ended up telling her the $20 limit was because I was teaching them that a grandparents love isn't in form of presents, but in form of demonstrated love and togetherness. So the $20 gift was a token gesture and nothing more and that they'd find it more special when she had to hunt to find a really special gift within the assigned budget. The first few years I even unwrapped the gifts to ensure she followed the rules, then wrapped the back up again. Sad, but I didn't believe she would honor the whole concept. It ended up being the only way easy child wasn't hurt by her grandmother over and over. It is not always about the material aspect that makes kids hurt so bad in this situation. It is for sure ALL about them feeling they hold no value and someone else is "better than them" or "More deserving" etc. What a horrible way for a child to feel! </p><p></p><p>Maybe you and husband could pick a limit and spin it the same way? You could always tell your kids it was YOUR idea, so that in future at cousins parties when they see big ticket gifts being given, they will not feel rejected or "less than" their cousins? You could tell your kids that you asked inlaws to limit it to x amount of dollars because you are trying to teach them (insert lesson here). It would remove stigma that your kids might feel, trump the inlaws favoritism by controlling the situation. You may never be able to get the inlaws to treat all the grands equally. So if that won't happen, at least your kids can be spared the hurt every time they might have seen favoritism. And heck, maybe the other siblings will see what you and husband have done about presents from the grands, be a bit embarassed about how spoiled their kids are by the grands, and implement something of the like for themselves too??</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mattsmom277, post: 370987, member: 4264"] What a trying situation and i wish I had good advice to offer. I would suggest that you and husband discuss what he thinks MIGHT work for him to say to his parents. My mother always did this. My brother until adulthood (and no more contact between my mother and myself) always received multiple big ticket thoughtful presents while I always received a token gift that had zero thought. The very last Christmas gift I received from her was a 2 piece body wash/lotion set. They had been opened and used once each, and obviously were a gift to my mother that she didn't end up liking so threw in a gift bag and sent to me for Christmas morning. Despite my age, it hurt. Not so much the money but the extreme lack of thought or caring, which to me is the purpose of giving a gift. She did the same with my difficult child and easy child. difficult child was often given 4-5 gifts for birthday and christmas. She would ask what they both wanted, buy several nice things off difficult child's list, pick nothing off easy child's wish list but instead buy some discounted video at the grocery store that was wildly not age appropriate or a discounted teddy bear with the price still on. Why she managed to always leave price tags on my things or easy child's, but managed to remove from my bro's and difficult children? Well to prove her point more ;) I ended the madness years before I ended all contact, by refusing to allow more than $20 per child per occassion, max. Period. She really didn't like it. She'd never SPENT $20 on easy child for a gift. But she'd never spent less than a hundred and up on difficult child. So she was at first trying to sneak around it, but I refused to allow her to. I ended up telling her the $20 limit was because I was teaching them that a grandparents love isn't in form of presents, but in form of demonstrated love and togetherness. So the $20 gift was a token gesture and nothing more and that they'd find it more special when she had to hunt to find a really special gift within the assigned budget. The first few years I even unwrapped the gifts to ensure she followed the rules, then wrapped the back up again. Sad, but I didn't believe she would honor the whole concept. It ended up being the only way easy child wasn't hurt by her grandmother over and over. It is not always about the material aspect that makes kids hurt so bad in this situation. It is for sure ALL about them feeling they hold no value and someone else is "better than them" or "More deserving" etc. What a horrible way for a child to feel! Maybe you and husband could pick a limit and spin it the same way? You could always tell your kids it was YOUR idea, so that in future at cousins parties when they see big ticket gifts being given, they will not feel rejected or "less than" their cousins? You could tell your kids that you asked inlaws to limit it to x amount of dollars because you are trying to teach them (insert lesson here). It would remove stigma that your kids might feel, trump the inlaws favoritism by controlling the situation. You may never be able to get the inlaws to treat all the grands equally. So if that won't happen, at least your kids can be spared the hurt every time they might have seen favoritism. And heck, maybe the other siblings will see what you and husband have done about presents from the grands, be a bit embarassed about how spoiled their kids are by the grands, and implement something of the like for themselves too?? [/QUOTE]
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