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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 434083" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Are these so called experts at school? Exactly WHO is telling you that this is "normal"? Searching for porn is, sadly, normal for many teens. But searching for extreme porn repeatedly is not. I don't care who is saying it is. Anyone who is telling you he is only searching for extreme porn to get back at you for being too strict is an idiot. Just in my opinion, but I have a sibling who went this route before computers were in homes. He has a very long history of being inappropriate sexually and isn't about to stop now. </p><p></p><p>It is easy to stumble on hard core extreme porn, but going to it over and over is a CHOICE. </p><p></p><p>Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? There are disorders that can cause hypersexuality, but that doesn't seem to fit his behavior. Neuropsychs do very thorough testing (the good ones) and can pinpoint the cause of many things. I would look into that if I were you.</p><p></p><p>I would also tell school that he is to have NO, ZIP, ZERO computer time. Don't your schools require parental permission to give kids internet access? Take it away, in writing, and tell them they must come up with some other way to educate him. It won't be popular, and teachers will cry that they "can't" teach him if he cannot go online. It is HOGWASH. They taught for many years with-o computer access and there is NO reason they cannot give him assignments that are not comptuer based. Lock down the home computer and don't let him on it. Put it in a room with a deadbolt and put an alarm in the room that will go off if it is opened with-o you there to turn it off. Do this when he is NOT home. </p><p></p><p>Call the local domestic violence center and ask what resources they have for people who are sexual predators. That is what continued exposure to this type of porn leads to in many cases. (If I had a dollar for every time a female who knew a certain relative of mine called me to ask what to do because this relative brought up bad, scary feelings with intimate activities/requests or flat out brought up feelings of being abused, molested or raped I would have a fairly substantial bank account - this relative started seeking out extreme porn mags at your son's age and to this day this relative feels and thinks that the people who object to what is demanded are just prudes or ashamed of their sexuality - and that is pretty far off base from what I know of the women.) DV centers are where many people who are sexually assaulted go for help and often if it is a family member/spouse the have therapy for that person also. It does NOT mean your son is violent now, it is just where the help would be.</p><p></p><p>I know you are really scared. Rest assured that the school CAN educate him with-o internet based assignments. You will have to push them, and they won't like it, but allowing him to be online with-o your permission means you can hold them legally accountable if he finds this stuff while at school and acts on it. You can also probably find anti-porn resources online. ANY computer use should have a parent sitting right next to him the entire time. Or a teacher if you allow school to let him online. Be very aware that school will PROMISE to have a teacher sitting right next to him and will NOT follow through. The teacher will get up and go to other kids, walk around, etc... even knowing that she is supposed to be eyes on right next to him the entire time. Don't fall for that one. been there done that and it was a HUGE lie. </p><p></p><p>Follow your instincts, not the experts. The experts spend a tiny bit of time with your son and then tell you what to do. YOU spend a huge amount of time with him, know him FAR better and this is why you have instincts. Many of us here know that the biggest mistakes we made/make with our kids happen when we follow the experts and ignore the instincts/gut feelings that scream that it is the wrong thing to do. YOU raised him, see him for hours and hours each day, know the history, CARE DEEPLY about him. The experts don't do these things. They may care, but NOT the way a parent cares, Know what I mean??</p><p></p><p>As for school's firewalls, pfffft. They are NOT as great as they tell you they are. In the 9th grade the computer teacher basically gave the kids a challenge that they couldn't get through the firewall and if they could she would give them an A. A month later they were all OVER my difficult child because he did just that. He used another kid's ID and password so that let them kick him out of the class - and the teacher tried to tell me that "she didn't mean it" and the kids knew she didn't mean the challenge. EVERY kid in that class, all five periods of kids, thought she meant it. ALL of them - and they signed a petition saying that because they were ANGRY that he got into trouble when the teacher challenged them. Cause the challenge was that the first one would get an A, not anyone who could. THis was a hugely expensive firewall/net nanny program. Those programs are NOT hard to hack, which is why he needs an adult sitting next to him watching all that he does from right next to him. </p><p></p><p>Many will tell you that he is doing this to upset you or get back at your or whatever. He is doing it because he wants to. Curiosity is normal, esp about sex, but this kind of porn is NOT. Lock down the computer, refuse to allow access at school and make SURE that they know you WILL sue if he gets any access for any reason. It won't be easy and the school will come up with all sorts of reasons why you cannot. But give them a letter taking permission for him to access the internet away and don't listen. Ask them how they cannot teach with-o the internet/computer, because generations of people were educated with-o computers or the internet. Heck, take a textbook in and show it to them - that funky low tech solution to learning that worked for thousands of years. Introduce them to it and let them use THAT to teach him. (Yes, that is sarcastic and snarky, but I HATE people who say they cannot do this, that or the other with-o the internet. It is NOT the be all and end all of education or anything else except computer science. I have upset more than a couple of teachers/principals with that, but only after they upset me and went ahead and let him online and then were upset that he got into stuff that wasn't okay - let him online AFTER I revoked permission in writing and verbally. This reliance on the internet is a crutch and in my opinion is crippling students - they no longer know how to look anything up that isn't online.)</p><p></p><p>He needs to see a therapist, pref male, who understands that this isn't normal curiosity. It goes way beyond, in my opinion. Hopefully a neuropsychologist evaluation and seeing a therapist, and a psychiatrist if the neuropsychologist says it is needed, will help him learn healthier ways to explore his sexuality. Be sure to look into anti-porn groups and research/resources online. (Yes, I know how ironic that is, esp as I think the internet isn't always a good thing, but that is where you will find the resources you need. let me know if you need help finding things and I will find some and private message them to you.)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 434083, member: 1233"] Are these so called experts at school? Exactly WHO is telling you that this is "normal"? Searching for porn is, sadly, normal for many teens. But searching for extreme porn repeatedly is not. I don't care who is saying it is. Anyone who is telling you he is only searching for extreme porn to get back at you for being too strict is an idiot. Just in my opinion, but I have a sibling who went this route before computers were in homes. He has a very long history of being inappropriate sexually and isn't about to stop now. It is easy to stumble on hard core extreme porn, but going to it over and over is a CHOICE. Has he ever been evaluated by a neuropsychologist? There are disorders that can cause hypersexuality, but that doesn't seem to fit his behavior. Neuropsychs do very thorough testing (the good ones) and can pinpoint the cause of many things. I would look into that if I were you. I would also tell school that he is to have NO, ZIP, ZERO computer time. Don't your schools require parental permission to give kids internet access? Take it away, in writing, and tell them they must come up with some other way to educate him. It won't be popular, and teachers will cry that they "can't" teach him if he cannot go online. It is HOGWASH. They taught for many years with-o computer access and there is NO reason they cannot give him assignments that are not comptuer based. Lock down the home computer and don't let him on it. Put it in a room with a deadbolt and put an alarm in the room that will go off if it is opened with-o you there to turn it off. Do this when he is NOT home. Call the local domestic violence center and ask what resources they have for people who are sexual predators. That is what continued exposure to this type of porn leads to in many cases. (If I had a dollar for every time a female who knew a certain relative of mine called me to ask what to do because this relative brought up bad, scary feelings with intimate activities/requests or flat out brought up feelings of being abused, molested or raped I would have a fairly substantial bank account - this relative started seeking out extreme porn mags at your son's age and to this day this relative feels and thinks that the people who object to what is demanded are just prudes or ashamed of their sexuality - and that is pretty far off base from what I know of the women.) DV centers are where many people who are sexually assaulted go for help and often if it is a family member/spouse the have therapy for that person also. It does NOT mean your son is violent now, it is just where the help would be. I know you are really scared. Rest assured that the school CAN educate him with-o internet based assignments. You will have to push them, and they won't like it, but allowing him to be online with-o your permission means you can hold them legally accountable if he finds this stuff while at school and acts on it. You can also probably find anti-porn resources online. ANY computer use should have a parent sitting right next to him the entire time. Or a teacher if you allow school to let him online. Be very aware that school will PROMISE to have a teacher sitting right next to him and will NOT follow through. The teacher will get up and go to other kids, walk around, etc... even knowing that she is supposed to be eyes on right next to him the entire time. Don't fall for that one. been there done that and it was a HUGE lie. Follow your instincts, not the experts. The experts spend a tiny bit of time with your son and then tell you what to do. YOU spend a huge amount of time with him, know him FAR better and this is why you have instincts. Many of us here know that the biggest mistakes we made/make with our kids happen when we follow the experts and ignore the instincts/gut feelings that scream that it is the wrong thing to do. YOU raised him, see him for hours and hours each day, know the history, CARE DEEPLY about him. The experts don't do these things. They may care, but NOT the way a parent cares, Know what I mean?? As for school's firewalls, pfffft. They are NOT as great as they tell you they are. In the 9th grade the computer teacher basically gave the kids a challenge that they couldn't get through the firewall and if they could she would give them an A. A month later they were all OVER my difficult child because he did just that. He used another kid's ID and password so that let them kick him out of the class - and the teacher tried to tell me that "she didn't mean it" and the kids knew she didn't mean the challenge. EVERY kid in that class, all five periods of kids, thought she meant it. ALL of them - and they signed a petition saying that because they were ANGRY that he got into trouble when the teacher challenged them. Cause the challenge was that the first one would get an A, not anyone who could. THis was a hugely expensive firewall/net nanny program. Those programs are NOT hard to hack, which is why he needs an adult sitting next to him watching all that he does from right next to him. Many will tell you that he is doing this to upset you or get back at your or whatever. He is doing it because he wants to. Curiosity is normal, esp about sex, but this kind of porn is NOT. Lock down the computer, refuse to allow access at school and make SURE that they know you WILL sue if he gets any access for any reason. It won't be easy and the school will come up with all sorts of reasons why you cannot. But give them a letter taking permission for him to access the internet away and don't listen. Ask them how they cannot teach with-o the internet/computer, because generations of people were educated with-o computers or the internet. Heck, take a textbook in and show it to them - that funky low tech solution to learning that worked for thousands of years. Introduce them to it and let them use THAT to teach him. (Yes, that is sarcastic and snarky, but I HATE people who say they cannot do this, that or the other with-o the internet. It is NOT the be all and end all of education or anything else except computer science. I have upset more than a couple of teachers/principals with that, but only after they upset me and went ahead and let him online and then were upset that he got into stuff that wasn't okay - let him online AFTER I revoked permission in writing and verbally. This reliance on the internet is a crutch and in my opinion is crippling students - they no longer know how to look anything up that isn't online.) He needs to see a therapist, pref male, who understands that this isn't normal curiosity. It goes way beyond, in my opinion. Hopefully a neuropsychologist evaluation and seeing a therapist, and a psychiatrist if the neuropsychologist says it is needed, will help him learn healthier ways to explore his sexuality. Be sure to look into anti-porn groups and research/resources online. (Yes, I know how ironic that is, esp as I think the internet isn't always a good thing, but that is where you will find the resources you need. let me know if you need help finding things and I will find some and private message them to you.) [/QUOTE]
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