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Intro and my 6 yr old that is making our lives difficult
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 412189" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>My heart goes out to you - I understand how stressful and distressing your situation is and you sound as if you are at the end of your tether (British expression?)</p><p>The only things I can say are based on my experience with my 4 year old, who does not have any formal diagnosis yet (I do not want this at the moment) but whom most psychiatrists/psychologists in a hurry would very happily diagnose as ADHD/ODD I am sure... Anyway, what we call it doesn't really matter - what I recognise are the yelling matches, the rages from the child, the aggression (though not, perhaps, to quite the extent you describe), the longing for someone to take the child (shameful but true) and so on... My son does not take any medication and personally I am opposed to this unless as a last resort or because the child cannot function in school.</p><p>My relationship with my son has improved over the past few weeks. His tantrums have lessened (not disappeared, that would be too much to hope for) and generally speaking he is more compliant, co-operative and peacable. How has this happened? The first thing was that I realised that we were in a completely negative cycle, which sounds like what is happening with your boy - ie I was generally furious and deeply irritated with him for his behaviour and made this clear to him, his behaviour then worsened, I got even more cross and on and on. What I am quite sure of with these kids is that getting angry with them fuels all their anger and pain and makes them much, much worse... Calmness is the key - which is far easier said than done, it goes without saying... </p><p>So I kind of took a deep breath and started really turning my way of communicating with my son round. I started speaking to him lovingly whenever I could, praising him for everything I could, showing him my affection, preventing myself from talking to him with an irritated, frustrated, cold tone of voice. I also stopped battling with him, stopped issuing him commands when I wanted him to do something, started negotiating with him, talking to him as though we were partners in an enterprise rather than boss and employee... I read something called "The Explosive Child" which people on this forum recommend. </p><p>Managing my son is a full-time operation. How you do this with two other little ones to look after I really cannot well imagine. It cannot be easy. I have to be constantly mindful of how I am approaching issues of boundaries and "rules". It works but it is a constant effort... For example. This morning he could have had two tantrums but didn't, each was averted... The first was because when I wanted him to get dressed for school he was playing with his cars and said he wanted to play for "one minute". I just said, in a firm and friendly tone of voice, "Okay, we'll just get you dressed and then you play for one minute" - he accepted this, no tantrum, and by the time he was dressed had forgotten and wanted to go straight to school. He then wanted to take a bag of toys to school even though he knows it's forbidden. Old-style communication: I insist, get angry at his stubborness, pitched battle, tantrum, shrieking, clinging on to the furniture, refusing to go anywhere (him, not me, though I have often felt like doing those things!!), etc, etc. New-style communication: I say, okay, J, put the toys in your bag and we'll take them but if the teacher says you can't take them to school,you have to give them to me, ok? He says ok, we leave happily, we get to school where of course the teacher explains to him it's not allowed, he happily accepts, pleasant goodbye...</p><p>You know your son. You know how you can find strategies to work round all the horror stuff and how your relationship can be improved. This is my own take on it - I hope it's of some help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 412189, member: 11227"] My heart goes out to you - I understand how stressful and distressing your situation is and you sound as if you are at the end of your tether (British expression?) The only things I can say are based on my experience with my 4 year old, who does not have any formal diagnosis yet (I do not want this at the moment) but whom most psychiatrists/psychologists in a hurry would very happily diagnose as ADHD/ODD I am sure... Anyway, what we call it doesn't really matter - what I recognise are the yelling matches, the rages from the child, the aggression (though not, perhaps, to quite the extent you describe), the longing for someone to take the child (shameful but true) and so on... My son does not take any medication and personally I am opposed to this unless as a last resort or because the child cannot function in school. My relationship with my son has improved over the past few weeks. His tantrums have lessened (not disappeared, that would be too much to hope for) and generally speaking he is more compliant, co-operative and peacable. How has this happened? The first thing was that I realised that we were in a completely negative cycle, which sounds like what is happening with your boy - ie I was generally furious and deeply irritated with him for his behaviour and made this clear to him, his behaviour then worsened, I got even more cross and on and on. What I am quite sure of with these kids is that getting angry with them fuels all their anger and pain and makes them much, much worse... Calmness is the key - which is far easier said than done, it goes without saying... So I kind of took a deep breath and started really turning my way of communicating with my son round. I started speaking to him lovingly whenever I could, praising him for everything I could, showing him my affection, preventing myself from talking to him with an irritated, frustrated, cold tone of voice. I also stopped battling with him, stopped issuing him commands when I wanted him to do something, started negotiating with him, talking to him as though we were partners in an enterprise rather than boss and employee... I read something called "The Explosive Child" which people on this forum recommend. Managing my son is a full-time operation. How you do this with two other little ones to look after I really cannot well imagine. It cannot be easy. I have to be constantly mindful of how I am approaching issues of boundaries and "rules". It works but it is a constant effort... For example. This morning he could have had two tantrums but didn't, each was averted... The first was because when I wanted him to get dressed for school he was playing with his cars and said he wanted to play for "one minute". I just said, in a firm and friendly tone of voice, "Okay, we'll just get you dressed and then you play for one minute" - he accepted this, no tantrum, and by the time he was dressed had forgotten and wanted to go straight to school. He then wanted to take a bag of toys to school even though he knows it's forbidden. Old-style communication: I insist, get angry at his stubborness, pitched battle, tantrum, shrieking, clinging on to the furniture, refusing to go anywhere (him, not me, though I have often felt like doing those things!!), etc, etc. New-style communication: I say, okay, J, put the toys in your bag and we'll take them but if the teacher says you can't take them to school,you have to give them to me, ok? He says ok, we leave happily, we get to school where of course the teacher explains to him it's not allowed, he happily accepts, pleasant goodbye... You know your son. You know how you can find strategies to work round all the horror stuff and how your relationship can be improved. This is my own take on it - I hope it's of some help. [/QUOTE]
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