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Intro and my 6 yr old that is making our lives difficult
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 412309" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>From my observation, we teach our kids to be oppositional. However, it is only those kids who have some underlying problems already, and obviously we don't do this deliberately! Wo would? But when you have a child whose social skills are not up to par, they don't learn social skills the same way, and often this sort of behaviour is what results, when all we have tried to do is be the best parents we can be.</p><p></p><p>Your son sounds like he has certain triggers. While they may not all set him off each time, you can be sure that he has a higher chance of being set off by them. If you think of it like a blood alcohol level, perhaps - you're at a party and have been asked to be designated driver, but you don't want to totally abstain. So you mentally calculate - I can have a glass of champagne now, a small glass of wine with dinner, possibly a sherry later if it's a small glass... but if someone brings out the Bailey's, that will be your undoing as far as blood alcohol levels are concerned.</p><p>In the same way, our kids can take small doses of frustration or challenge (and by challenge, I mean the things that heighten their anxiety or level of arousal) and it can be something very small that is the last straw. It may not even be that big a deal, but to the observer, that was the cause.</p><p></p><p>Something more to try - set things up ahead of time. Next time before he starts gaming, talk to him (if he can follow it - difficult child 1 couldn't because he couldn't metnally multi-task, we had to keep it very simple and generally put our conclusions in writing, in a notebook we left near him). Simply say to him, "Here is the list of tasks you need to do this evening. I've written down homework, dinner, bath, bed. You want to play games too - that's OK, as long as the other tuff can be planned into it. How long do you think you need for your game? What time will you turn it off to go do your homework?" Write down what you both agree on, write down the time he says he will stop and get him to sign it. Then continue as before, give him time warnings (you did that well) and see if it works. If it does not work, leave him. If the homework does not get done, it is not your fault, it is his. He has to live with the consequences.</p><p></p><p>A second suggestion (add it in there) is to reward him for any day he did not melt down. The reward needs to be a gift of your time, doing something with him that he wants. Fifteen minutes of your time is a good guide, but keep the reward as immediate as possible, try to not let it bank up. And any reward once earned stays earned - if he doesn't melt down on Day 1, but does so early on Day 2 - well, he still has his reward from Day 1 but if only he had held it together on Day 2 he would have half an hour instead of 15 minutes. Such a pity...</p><p></p><p>With the toys dumped on the floor, that WAS deliberate and spiteful. Were they his toys? If they were, calmly sweep them up and put them in the bin. Or just leave them there. They will get broken if stepped on. Or you could say, "Since you clearly don't want these toys and don't look after them, we will pack them up and give them to someone who will appreciate them more." You could even ask him to suggest a place to deliver them. Goodwill? The neighbour's kid? Or just pack them up and store them in the shed or at a friend's place.</p><p></p><p>He sounds like he's trying to upset you - I wonder why? Do you have him in therapy at all? This is the sort of thing that I would be discussing with the therapist, asking if it is possible to explore why he is doing this, so you can work together to find a better way for him. Things like fiddling with the fridge - sometimes they just want to know what will happen, they experiment on things. "This has a dial - I wonder what the numbers relate to? What happens if I turn it all the way this way? Or that?" and they do it, then observe.</p><p></p><p>I spoke before of natural consequences. You need to avoid the 'feel' of this being punishment. Now, natural consequences for him turning down the fridge should be, he gets to help you defrost the fridge. Not in any punishment sense, but in terms of "You're old enough to learn how to do this, one day you may be living in your own apartment and need to know how. Plus, we all live in this house together so we all help one another. Let's do this together - it can be fun, especially in summer."</p><p>Try to involve him more in practical things. "You're older now, you can have more say but you also need to understand why we do things. Once you understand, you can have input."</p><p>Shopping, for example - I have given my kids a portion of the shopping list and sent them off to collect this or that off the shelves. For example, it's a great Maths exercise to ask your child to go find the most economical baked beans. Although it is less challenging mathematically since we got unit pricing! Start with things he wants - "go choose a breakfast cereal for you. It must not contain more than X grams of sugar per 100 gm but other than that, you can choose what you want."</p><p></p><p>You also need to get your own therapy - I can understand why you ended up screaming at him, but you know it does not help. All you are doing is teaching him that screaming at people is a valid coping strategy. For example, my husband shouts. For him, it is what he learned to do - as a coping strategy and also as a valid parenting method. But it is absolutely the worst way to manage difficult child 3. Loud noises hurt their ears (these kids are often very sensitive to sensory stimuli) and remember my analogy of blood alcohol levels? Too much sensory stimulation is like having one drink too many.</p><p></p><p>Talk to him more, plan ahead more. Try to set in place some agreements, and get him to sign them. Follow through fast on your part and forgive overnight. "Never let the sun go down on your anger" is especially important with these kids, because every day needs to be a fresh start.</p><p></p><p>Work with him to find solutions. But never forget - you have ultimate power at the moment. You control his food, his bedding, his clothing. His possessions. You can help him, or you can sit back and let him have to fend for himself. </p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 412309, member: 1991"] From my observation, we teach our kids to be oppositional. However, it is only those kids who have some underlying problems already, and obviously we don't do this deliberately! Wo would? But when you have a child whose social skills are not up to par, they don't learn social skills the same way, and often this sort of behaviour is what results, when all we have tried to do is be the best parents we can be. Your son sounds like he has certain triggers. While they may not all set him off each time, you can be sure that he has a higher chance of being set off by them. If you think of it like a blood alcohol level, perhaps - you're at a party and have been asked to be designated driver, but you don't want to totally abstain. So you mentally calculate - I can have a glass of champagne now, a small glass of wine with dinner, possibly a sherry later if it's a small glass... but if someone brings out the Bailey's, that will be your undoing as far as blood alcohol levels are concerned. In the same way, our kids can take small doses of frustration or challenge (and by challenge, I mean the things that heighten their anxiety or level of arousal) and it can be something very small that is the last straw. It may not even be that big a deal, but to the observer, that was the cause. Something more to try - set things up ahead of time. Next time before he starts gaming, talk to him (if he can follow it - difficult child 1 couldn't because he couldn't metnally multi-task, we had to keep it very simple and generally put our conclusions in writing, in a notebook we left near him). Simply say to him, "Here is the list of tasks you need to do this evening. I've written down homework, dinner, bath, bed. You want to play games too - that's OK, as long as the other tuff can be planned into it. How long do you think you need for your game? What time will you turn it off to go do your homework?" Write down what you both agree on, write down the time he says he will stop and get him to sign it. Then continue as before, give him time warnings (you did that well) and see if it works. If it does not work, leave him. If the homework does not get done, it is not your fault, it is his. He has to live with the consequences. A second suggestion (add it in there) is to reward him for any day he did not melt down. The reward needs to be a gift of your time, doing something with him that he wants. Fifteen minutes of your time is a good guide, but keep the reward as immediate as possible, try to not let it bank up. And any reward once earned stays earned - if he doesn't melt down on Day 1, but does so early on Day 2 - well, he still has his reward from Day 1 but if only he had held it together on Day 2 he would have half an hour instead of 15 minutes. Such a pity... With the toys dumped on the floor, that WAS deliberate and spiteful. Were they his toys? If they were, calmly sweep them up and put them in the bin. Or just leave them there. They will get broken if stepped on. Or you could say, "Since you clearly don't want these toys and don't look after them, we will pack them up and give them to someone who will appreciate them more." You could even ask him to suggest a place to deliver them. Goodwill? The neighbour's kid? Or just pack them up and store them in the shed or at a friend's place. He sounds like he's trying to upset you - I wonder why? Do you have him in therapy at all? This is the sort of thing that I would be discussing with the therapist, asking if it is possible to explore why he is doing this, so you can work together to find a better way for him. Things like fiddling with the fridge - sometimes they just want to know what will happen, they experiment on things. "This has a dial - I wonder what the numbers relate to? What happens if I turn it all the way this way? Or that?" and they do it, then observe. I spoke before of natural consequences. You need to avoid the 'feel' of this being punishment. Now, natural consequences for him turning down the fridge should be, he gets to help you defrost the fridge. Not in any punishment sense, but in terms of "You're old enough to learn how to do this, one day you may be living in your own apartment and need to know how. Plus, we all live in this house together so we all help one another. Let's do this together - it can be fun, especially in summer." Try to involve him more in practical things. "You're older now, you can have more say but you also need to understand why we do things. Once you understand, you can have input." Shopping, for example - I have given my kids a portion of the shopping list and sent them off to collect this or that off the shelves. For example, it's a great Maths exercise to ask your child to go find the most economical baked beans. Although it is less challenging mathematically since we got unit pricing! Start with things he wants - "go choose a breakfast cereal for you. It must not contain more than X grams of sugar per 100 gm but other than that, you can choose what you want." You also need to get your own therapy - I can understand why you ended up screaming at him, but you know it does not help. All you are doing is teaching him that screaming at people is a valid coping strategy. For example, my husband shouts. For him, it is what he learned to do - as a coping strategy and also as a valid parenting method. But it is absolutely the worst way to manage difficult child 3. Loud noises hurt their ears (these kids are often very sensitive to sensory stimuli) and remember my analogy of blood alcohol levels? Too much sensory stimulation is like having one drink too many. Talk to him more, plan ahead more. Try to set in place some agreements, and get him to sign them. Follow through fast on your part and forgive overnight. "Never let the sun go down on your anger" is especially important with these kids, because every day needs to be a fresh start. Work with him to find solutions. But never forget - you have ultimate power at the moment. You control his food, his bedding, his clothing. His possessions. You can help him, or you can sit back and let him have to fend for himself. Marg [/QUOTE]
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