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Is It Just Me?
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 403263" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>The trouble is, she's not ASKING for privileges. She's NAGGING for privileges!</p><p></p><p>Every kid is different, and what you allow or do for one child does not automatically mean that the other child gets the same deal. No way, nosirree.</p><p></p><p>One of my sisters tried to be absolutely fair for each child. Whatever one child got, all the children had to get. So if something was offered for one child only, then it had to be refused if the other children could not also participate. She couldn't see how unfair this was, because often the older child gets held back from opportunities because the younger ones are not ready for them but will complain if they miss out.</p><p>What happened with my sister's kids - they ended up always comparing notes to make sure everything they all got was shared absolutely equally. They were all far too hung up on 'fairness' to actually appreciate opportunities as they arose.</p><p></p><p>Bedtime was the example in our house, of rules needing to be different for each child.</p><p>easy child as the eldest, had the later bedtime of 8.30 pm. When she reached her teens, she negotiated for a later bedtime of first 9 pm, then 9.30 pm. At the time, she went to school at a nearby high school, leaving home at 7 am. But the other kids had to leave home half an hour earlier. So they had to get to bed a little earlier. And as it turned out - easy child chose to go to bed earlier herself, because being the only kid wanting to stay up, was no fun. </p><p>Then difficult child 1 switched to high school. He also had to leave at 7 am. But he has always managed on less sleep, so his bedtime eventually was 10 pm and later, while easy child, as the older one, could not function if she went to bed after 9.30 pm.</p><p>So when easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to negotiate for a later bedtime, she tried the line of, "But difficult child 1 gets to stay up late!"</p><p>Our response was, "easy child is even older, but has an earlier bed-time. difficult child 1 has earned his later bedtime because he can function with it. easy child can't. And in our opinion, neither can you. You may stay up later on the weekend, but you must still get up at the usual time in the morning. Then you can see how you feel about it."</p><p></p><p>In your case, DF, your son has proven that he can behave responsibly with his special privilege. Also with his arthritis, it makes more sense. But difficult child not only has not earned the privilege, she doesn't get it if she thinks it is fair to take away from her brother, something that works for him for many reasons, and apply it to herself when a lot of those reasons are not on the table for her.</p><p></p><p>It's like me and my mobility scooter - when I'm out in the street late at night and I see local kids come running up yelling, "Wow! Look at what she's got! I want it! Lets get her and get it off her!" I just stop and stand my ground. As they run up, I greet them with a smile and say, "You can have one of these too, but you have to have the disability to go with it. I'm sure that can be arranged..." and I say it with a smile. I usually go on to make the scooter seem very un-cool - hey, it's no state-of-the-art skateboard. I paint mental pictures of grey-haired grandparents with pacemakers, lining up for a drag race, at 10 kph. I make jokes about it, so the kids don't feel they need to attack me to save face. End result - they usually laugh a bit, wave goodbye and next time I meet them, they're OK with me. But I have to make it clear - what applies to me, does not apply to them. At their age and with their fitness, they need to be using their own legs and risking their necks in more conventional ways.</p><p></p><p>It really is annoying when our kids nag us for privileges, just when their behaviour is demonstrating their lack of suitability for them.</p><p></p><p>Stand firm. Link son's access (limited) to TV, to something he has to endure that she does not. Also popint out what he has to keep doing, in order to justify the continuing privilege. </p><p></p><p>But when it all boils down, it is YOU as the parents who have the say here. Not her. You do not have to justify yourselves to her. And if she wants special privileges, she has a long way to go to earn any of them.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 403263, member: 1991"] The trouble is, she's not ASKING for privileges. She's NAGGING for privileges! Every kid is different, and what you allow or do for one child does not automatically mean that the other child gets the same deal. No way, nosirree. One of my sisters tried to be absolutely fair for each child. Whatever one child got, all the children had to get. So if something was offered for one child only, then it had to be refused if the other children could not also participate. She couldn't see how unfair this was, because often the older child gets held back from opportunities because the younger ones are not ready for them but will complain if they miss out. What happened with my sister's kids - they ended up always comparing notes to make sure everything they all got was shared absolutely equally. They were all far too hung up on 'fairness' to actually appreciate opportunities as they arose. Bedtime was the example in our house, of rules needing to be different for each child. easy child as the eldest, had the later bedtime of 8.30 pm. When she reached her teens, she negotiated for a later bedtime of first 9 pm, then 9.30 pm. At the time, she went to school at a nearby high school, leaving home at 7 am. But the other kids had to leave home half an hour earlier. So they had to get to bed a little earlier. And as it turned out - easy child chose to go to bed earlier herself, because being the only kid wanting to stay up, was no fun. Then difficult child 1 switched to high school. He also had to leave at 7 am. But he has always managed on less sleep, so his bedtime eventually was 10 pm and later, while easy child, as the older one, could not function if she went to bed after 9.30 pm. So when easy child 2/difficult child 2 began to negotiate for a later bedtime, she tried the line of, "But difficult child 1 gets to stay up late!" Our response was, "easy child is even older, but has an earlier bed-time. difficult child 1 has earned his later bedtime because he can function with it. easy child can't. And in our opinion, neither can you. You may stay up later on the weekend, but you must still get up at the usual time in the morning. Then you can see how you feel about it." In your case, DF, your son has proven that he can behave responsibly with his special privilege. Also with his arthritis, it makes more sense. But difficult child not only has not earned the privilege, she doesn't get it if she thinks it is fair to take away from her brother, something that works for him for many reasons, and apply it to herself when a lot of those reasons are not on the table for her. It's like me and my mobility scooter - when I'm out in the street late at night and I see local kids come running up yelling, "Wow! Look at what she's got! I want it! Lets get her and get it off her!" I just stop and stand my ground. As they run up, I greet them with a smile and say, "You can have one of these too, but you have to have the disability to go with it. I'm sure that can be arranged..." and I say it with a smile. I usually go on to make the scooter seem very un-cool - hey, it's no state-of-the-art skateboard. I paint mental pictures of grey-haired grandparents with pacemakers, lining up for a drag race, at 10 kph. I make jokes about it, so the kids don't feel they need to attack me to save face. End result - they usually laugh a bit, wave goodbye and next time I meet them, they're OK with me. But I have to make it clear - what applies to me, does not apply to them. At their age and with their fitness, they need to be using their own legs and risking their necks in more conventional ways. It really is annoying when our kids nag us for privileges, just when their behaviour is demonstrating their lack of suitability for them. Stand firm. Link son's access (limited) to TV, to something he has to endure that she does not. Also popint out what he has to keep doing, in order to justify the continuing privilege. But when it all boils down, it is YOU as the parents who have the say here. Not her. You do not have to justify yourselves to her. And if she wants special privileges, she has a long way to go to earn any of them. Marg [/QUOTE]
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