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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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<blockquote data-quote="Kittycat" data-source="post: 574896" data-attributes="member: 15825"><p>I really appreciate the time and thought and that went into your very helpful posts about this situation. Thank you!</p><p></p><p>I wanted to add some more information about our situation. In summer 2009, we moved to another state because our income (self employed) had decreased significantly and we had lived in a very high cost of living state. The area we moved to has a shortage of rental housing, and we were finally able to find a house near a small town, after fruitlessly searching for one in the medium-sized city that is 90 minutes away from here.</p><p></p><p>We moved from the suburb of a large city in New England to rural area in a Mid-Atlantic state that has 2,000 people, near a small town that has 15,000 people. We moved from a town in which 80% of the adults over 25 had at least a 4-year college degree, to an area (including the small town) where 8% of the people are college graduates. The closest city is medium-sized and is 90 minutes away. The demographics of these two places, in every respect, are the opposite. </p><p></p><p>None of us wanted to move, but this was the best place to go of all of our choices. The adjustment was hard on all of us. Until we came here, we did not know that we had lived in a cocoon. It was, frankly, shocking. It's not just demographics, the whole culture is different. Very authoritarian, very boxed in, disinclined to change anything (I mean on a personal level ... we have not charged in and tried to change the town). It's a hopeless place and while I've met people who love living here, nearly everyone says they hate it here. They aren't used to people moving here from elsewhere, either.</p><p></p><p>Our son was very angry about this move. However, he had already been making poor grades in school (C's, D's) and refusing to do homework, and acting pretty much like he does now, for several years. He didn't do homework, which sunk his grades, because it was a waste of time. He refused to jump through the hoops and proved his point by making great grades on tests. Also, on all the standardized tests kids have to take on the subjects they are supposed to have learned in high school, he makes top scores.</p><p></p><p>He had plenty of friends, but here he cannot find anyone who shares his interests, reads books for pleasure, or who could talk to him without asking him to define the words he used in ordinary speech. (This has been true of all of us, not just my son.) The best you we can say about this place is that the people are generally friendly, my husband can do his work here and travel to various cities when necessary, and the cost of living is 50% less (housing, office space, health insurance). We do not derive any of our income from the small town, but the work my husband does requires him to live in this part of the state.</p><p></p><p>So my son wants to get out of here, pronto, and feels helpless. So I told him that his avenue out of here starts with the community college. If he goes there for two years (because of his bad grades in high school), he can transfer to a university in a large city. When his education is complete, he can get a job in a large city in New England. </p><p></p><p>He is not willing to do it. He seems to be waiting for ... what? Yesterday, he told me his latest idea for making money is to do voice-overs for commercials. He can make $250 an hour doing that, he says. I just nodded and smiled, and asked him if he knew how to get these jobs. He said something, I don't recall what. I must have tuned him out.</p><p></p><p>The thing is, every time he wants to do something, we fully support it. We spent thousands of dollars sending him to this summer program. I thought he would be around intelligent people who are enthusiastic about their areas of interest. They were college and graduate school students who shared this narrow interest with him. I thought he would be inspired by that, come home, maybe take a gap year, and definitely be enthusiastic about going to college. He wants to be a physicist, and an education is required.</p><p></p><p>His father and I worked our way through school. He did it by dropping out of college, becoming self-employed and writing a book, and then returned to school and supported himself with his savings and the proceeds from his book sales. I did it by working full-time and going to school full-time at night. So my son has not had the example of parents who have trust funds or wealthy families. My husband and I are people who have always worked hard to achieve our goals. Nothing has come easily to us.</p><p></p><p>But our son doesn't seem to get that. His world on the internet is a vast expansion of his world here. No wonder he wants to stay in his room and live virtually, I'd guess you'd say. But he cannot do that and ever hope to live the real life he wants to have. </p><p></p><p>We have, as a family of six people, met someone like us exactly once since we moved here. It was the therapist our son liked, the one who retired after having complications from surgery. </p><p></p><p>We don't fit in. I get that. Yet we have a family to support, and we are stuck here for the duration. </p><p></p><p>I have a husband and two sons who have Asperger's Syndrome. One of those AS sons also has major clinical depression. These two sons are not able to live on their own yet. Now comes this son ... who has everything going for him ... and he's just making life harder for everyone, including himself. He is a triplet, and he refuses to understand that his brothers are different from him. They aren't less intelligent, they just have a lot more challenges than he does. They and my daughter are seniors in high school.</p><p></p><p>The son who brought me to these forums has alienated his siblings, too. They are pretty disgusted with him. Hurt, too, because he generally ignores them.</p><p></p><p>So, with this additional information, would you change your advice? Something besides take your daughter and the dog, and flee! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> I am just so puzzled. I don't understand how my son could have become the way he is. I don't think its due to where we live, given his history.</p><p></p><p>Also, does it sound like my motivation is to get rid of him because he is the one problem child I can get rid of? I know a person can have more than one motive simultaneously, but I want mine to be healthy and pure ... not corrupted by my flaws.</p><p></p><p>Thank you, again, for your help.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Kittycat, post: 574896, member: 15825"] I really appreciate the time and thought and that went into your very helpful posts about this situation. Thank you! I wanted to add some more information about our situation. In summer 2009, we moved to another state because our income (self employed) had decreased significantly and we had lived in a very high cost of living state. The area we moved to has a shortage of rental housing, and we were finally able to find a house near a small town, after fruitlessly searching for one in the medium-sized city that is 90 minutes away from here. We moved from the suburb of a large city in New England to rural area in a Mid-Atlantic state that has 2,000 people, near a small town that has 15,000 people. We moved from a town in which 80% of the adults over 25 had at least a 4-year college degree, to an area (including the small town) where 8% of the people are college graduates. The closest city is medium-sized and is 90 minutes away. The demographics of these two places, in every respect, are the opposite. None of us wanted to move, but this was the best place to go of all of our choices. The adjustment was hard on all of us. Until we came here, we did not know that we had lived in a cocoon. It was, frankly, shocking. It's not just demographics, the whole culture is different. Very authoritarian, very boxed in, disinclined to change anything (I mean on a personal level ... we have not charged in and tried to change the town). It's a hopeless place and while I've met people who love living here, nearly everyone says they hate it here. They aren't used to people moving here from elsewhere, either. Our son was very angry about this move. However, he had already been making poor grades in school (C's, D's) and refusing to do homework, and acting pretty much like he does now, for several years. He didn't do homework, which sunk his grades, because it was a waste of time. He refused to jump through the hoops and proved his point by making great grades on tests. Also, on all the standardized tests kids have to take on the subjects they are supposed to have learned in high school, he makes top scores. He had plenty of friends, but here he cannot find anyone who shares his interests, reads books for pleasure, or who could talk to him without asking him to define the words he used in ordinary speech. (This has been true of all of us, not just my son.) The best you we can say about this place is that the people are generally friendly, my husband can do his work here and travel to various cities when necessary, and the cost of living is 50% less (housing, office space, health insurance). We do not derive any of our income from the small town, but the work my husband does requires him to live in this part of the state. So my son wants to get out of here, pronto, and feels helpless. So I told him that his avenue out of here starts with the community college. If he goes there for two years (because of his bad grades in high school), he can transfer to a university in a large city. When his education is complete, he can get a job in a large city in New England. He is not willing to do it. He seems to be waiting for ... what? Yesterday, he told me his latest idea for making money is to do voice-overs for commercials. He can make $250 an hour doing that, he says. I just nodded and smiled, and asked him if he knew how to get these jobs. He said something, I don't recall what. I must have tuned him out. The thing is, every time he wants to do something, we fully support it. We spent thousands of dollars sending him to this summer program. I thought he would be around intelligent people who are enthusiastic about their areas of interest. They were college and graduate school students who shared this narrow interest with him. I thought he would be inspired by that, come home, maybe take a gap year, and definitely be enthusiastic about going to college. He wants to be a physicist, and an education is required. His father and I worked our way through school. He did it by dropping out of college, becoming self-employed and writing a book, and then returned to school and supported himself with his savings and the proceeds from his book sales. I did it by working full-time and going to school full-time at night. So my son has not had the example of parents who have trust funds or wealthy families. My husband and I are people who have always worked hard to achieve our goals. Nothing has come easily to us. But our son doesn't seem to get that. His world on the internet is a vast expansion of his world here. No wonder he wants to stay in his room and live virtually, I'd guess you'd say. But he cannot do that and ever hope to live the real life he wants to have. We have, as a family of six people, met someone like us exactly once since we moved here. It was the therapist our son liked, the one who retired after having complications from surgery. We don't fit in. I get that. Yet we have a family to support, and we are stuck here for the duration. I have a husband and two sons who have Asperger's Syndrome. One of those AS sons also has major clinical depression. These two sons are not able to live on their own yet. Now comes this son ... who has everything going for him ... and he's just making life harder for everyone, including himself. He is a triplet, and he refuses to understand that his brothers are different from him. They aren't less intelligent, they just have a lot more challenges than he does. They and my daughter are seniors in high school. The son who brought me to these forums has alienated his siblings, too. They are pretty disgusted with him. Hurt, too, because he generally ignores them. So, with this additional information, would you change your advice? Something besides take your daughter and the dog, and flee! :-) I am just so puzzled. I don't understand how my son could have become the way he is. I don't think its due to where we live, given his history. Also, does it sound like my motivation is to get rid of him because he is the one problem child I can get rid of? I know a person can have more than one motive simultaneously, but I want mine to be healthy and pure ... not corrupted by my flaws. Thank you, again, for your help. [/QUOTE]
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Is it morally right for us to kick our 19 yo son out of the house?
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