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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 303386" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>It sounds to me like difficult child is learning to understand his own anger and his own motivations. Any understanding in that area is a bonus. A big problem with our difficult children in a lot of cases, is their maturity lags a long way behind. Part of that also is their own self-understanding lags behind. The end result can be someone who is physically an adult, but who still throws two-year-old tantrums. It's bad enoguh when a two year old attacks, but they can't do as much harm and we are more forgiving. But an adult who feels the same degree of rage but has an adult body with which to attempt to inflict damage - nasty. And sometimes tragic.</p><p></p><p>I can't reassure you that difficult child will ever be safe enoguh to be around. But then - there is that capacity in all of us, to get angry enough to want to hurt someone. As we get older and learn more, we learn self-control. All we can do is hope that he learns enough to be able to trust himself, and to prove to you (and others to whom this matters) that he can be trusted.</p><p></p><p>I remember when I was in high school, a girl who I thought was my best friend turned on me in front of a group of other girls I thought were my friends, and told me how much she hated me. She used very hurtful terms, she was vocal, she was verbally vicious. Unfortunately for her, I happened to be holding the school's hand bell (it was my job to walk around the playground ringing it - yeah, a GREAT way to help an already odd girl to make more friends!).</p><p>I was angry and I didn't even think about what I was doing as I lashed out physically. If I hadn't been holding anything, I'd have slapped her face. Instead, I hit her with the bell.</p><p>I was horrified with myself within minutes, even while I was still raging at how much she had hurt me. I was mostly sorry I had been caught (a teacher had seen the altercation, I thought I was heading to be expelled; at the very least my very strict mother would have torn strips off me when the teachers rang) but apart form the teacher who saw me giving me a harsh talking-to and telling me she was going to report it and call my mother and the girl's mother, I never herd another word. I was lucky - I had a reprieve.</p><p></p><p>What horrified me was NOT that I had hurt her (I know intellectually it was wrong but even now I'm glad I hit her) but that I was capable not only of feeling such anger, but of physically lashing out in response to it.</p><p></p><p>I am older now and have more control. That is what happens as you get older. I have, since then, felt similar anger. But I have been able to control it. I also was not holding a weapon at the time, other than my tongue. I have learned to use that (and more socially acceptable weapons, such as a well-placed letter) to good effect.</p><p></p><p>I learned. I also had help to learn (beginnning, I think, with that teacher who never did ring my mother or take matters further). My mother was a tyrant at times but she showed me how to fight through official channels. My older sisters taught me by their example. My education took a lot longer than my physical maturity. </p><p></p><p>KLMNO, I think he is also educating himself by exploring violence in himself and others. I'm glad he is also talking to you about it - this gives you the opportunity to help him learn even more.</p><p></p><p>His brain will also need time, but he is putting his time to good use.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 303386, member: 1991"] It sounds to me like difficult child is learning to understand his own anger and his own motivations. Any understanding in that area is a bonus. A big problem with our difficult children in a lot of cases, is their maturity lags a long way behind. Part of that also is their own self-understanding lags behind. The end result can be someone who is physically an adult, but who still throws two-year-old tantrums. It's bad enoguh when a two year old attacks, but they can't do as much harm and we are more forgiving. But an adult who feels the same degree of rage but has an adult body with which to attempt to inflict damage - nasty. And sometimes tragic. I can't reassure you that difficult child will ever be safe enoguh to be around. But then - there is that capacity in all of us, to get angry enough to want to hurt someone. As we get older and learn more, we learn self-control. All we can do is hope that he learns enough to be able to trust himself, and to prove to you (and others to whom this matters) that he can be trusted. I remember when I was in high school, a girl who I thought was my best friend turned on me in front of a group of other girls I thought were my friends, and told me how much she hated me. She used very hurtful terms, she was vocal, she was verbally vicious. Unfortunately for her, I happened to be holding the school's hand bell (it was my job to walk around the playground ringing it - yeah, a GREAT way to help an already odd girl to make more friends!). I was angry and I didn't even think about what I was doing as I lashed out physically. If I hadn't been holding anything, I'd have slapped her face. Instead, I hit her with the bell. I was horrified with myself within minutes, even while I was still raging at how much she had hurt me. I was mostly sorry I had been caught (a teacher had seen the altercation, I thought I was heading to be expelled; at the very least my very strict mother would have torn strips off me when the teachers rang) but apart form the teacher who saw me giving me a harsh talking-to and telling me she was going to report it and call my mother and the girl's mother, I never herd another word. I was lucky - I had a reprieve. What horrified me was NOT that I had hurt her (I know intellectually it was wrong but even now I'm glad I hit her) but that I was capable not only of feeling such anger, but of physically lashing out in response to it. I am older now and have more control. That is what happens as you get older. I have, since then, felt similar anger. But I have been able to control it. I also was not holding a weapon at the time, other than my tongue. I have learned to use that (and more socially acceptable weapons, such as a well-placed letter) to good effect. I learned. I also had help to learn (beginnning, I think, with that teacher who never did ring my mother or take matters further). My mother was a tyrant at times but she showed me how to fight through official channels. My older sisters taught me by their example. My education took a lot longer than my physical maturity. KLMNO, I think he is also educating himself by exploring violence in himself and others. I'm glad he is also talking to you about it - this gives you the opportunity to help him learn even more. His brain will also need time, but he is putting his time to good use. Marg [/QUOTE]
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