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<blockquote data-quote="rlsnights" data-source="post: 322182" data-attributes="member: 7948"><p>In essence, I have been where you stand. I have a brother who is Antisocial personality and who manipulated and controlled my parents through verbal abuse, threats of violence and actual violence for many years. He was verbally and physically abusive to me when we were teens. My parents could not accept the truth about my brother and allowed him to be abusive to his siblings too. They did not have the ability to move past their pain to stand up to my brother even to protect their other children.</p><p> </p><p>So my advice comes from painful personal experience that may or may not fit your situation. Take what is helpful and leave the rest because my advice will be hard to take. It can be boiled down to one word: leave.</p><p> </p><p>Frankly, it is not your problem that your parents have failed to set appropriate boundaries with your sister - apparently for her whole life. It is THEIR problem. So it is not your concern that they will have to pay for several homes for this adult woman who happens to be your sister. If they choose to do so, then that is their choice.</p><p> </p><p>It robs all of the family for them to givie her money and places to live. This is unfortunate but it is their choice. They have given up - perhaps out of fear but to give in to her out of fear is to encourage more violence and abuse at her hands. I can completely understand why they have done this but it is their duty as parents to protect their other children and it doesn't sound like they have done so.</p><p> </p><p>It is a complicated situation and my thought is - if at all possible you need to find another place to live. DO NOT tell your sister or your parents where you are living. They can have your phone number and that's it. If your parents, knowing your sister's willingness to abuse you and the property, still expect you to share a home with her I would say that it is your responsibility to say no in the only way left to you - by leaving and cutting yourself off from them for now.</p><p> </p><p>You have a responsibility to take care of yourself - not your sister and not your parents. If you don't you are continuing to engage in the patterns that have been set within the family so far. You are set on a path to success and you are right to fear your sister's ability to take you down with her in flames. </p><p> </p><p>You are particularly vulnerable living in a foreign country where you are not fluent in the language and are a dependent student and she is an older "adult" in the eyes of the world. If she chooses to blame you for some problem or you are living in the same place where drugs are being used/sold then you are tainted by association. What defense do you have if she says YOU are the one who bought the drugs or damaged the building?</p><p> </p><p>Given her age, your description, your parents continuing engagement and your own lack of a position of authority (after all - what can you do to really enforce any rules in this kind of situation?) I would not even begin to try to give you advice on what to say or do to avoid problems. I'm sorry if I am discouraging but I do not believe you CAN avoid problems and ultimately violence at the hands of your sister. Your goals are anathema to her. She will destroy you just because she can and will see nothing wrong with what she has done.</p><p> </p><p>If you have done any reading on antisocial personality disorder you know that she essentially has no conscience. She is incapable of caring about the havoc she wreaks or the damage she may cause emotionally or physically. She may indeed benefit from psychiatric treatment but she has had the benefit of that in the past and apparently has chosen to discontinue treatment. At 30 she is highly unlikely to change until she is jailed or in some other way is truly faced with no other choice.</p><p> </p><p>So abandon ship is my best advice. Leave her to sink or swim on her own. Take the life boat and do not look back since to take her aboard would swamp you both.</p><p> </p><p>I know your parents will not understand. I know you will feel guilty. I know other family members may be angry. But they have not stood up for you to someone who will destroy everyone who supports her - eventually. Perhaps you will inspire other family members to accept the need to let your sister bear the natural consequences that go with the choices she is making.</p><p> </p><p>peace and strength for your journey.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rlsnights, post: 322182, member: 7948"] In essence, I have been where you stand. I have a brother who is Antisocial personality and who manipulated and controlled my parents through verbal abuse, threats of violence and actual violence for many years. He was verbally and physically abusive to me when we were teens. My parents could not accept the truth about my brother and allowed him to be abusive to his siblings too. They did not have the ability to move past their pain to stand up to my brother even to protect their other children. So my advice comes from painful personal experience that may or may not fit your situation. Take what is helpful and leave the rest because my advice will be hard to take. It can be boiled down to one word: leave. Frankly, it is not your problem that your parents have failed to set appropriate boundaries with your sister - apparently for her whole life. It is THEIR problem. So it is not your concern that they will have to pay for several homes for this adult woman who happens to be your sister. If they choose to do so, then that is their choice. It robs all of the family for them to givie her money and places to live. This is unfortunate but it is their choice. They have given up - perhaps out of fear but to give in to her out of fear is to encourage more violence and abuse at her hands. I can completely understand why they have done this but it is their duty as parents to protect their other children and it doesn't sound like they have done so. It is a complicated situation and my thought is - if at all possible you need to find another place to live. DO NOT tell your sister or your parents where you are living. They can have your phone number and that's it. If your parents, knowing your sister's willingness to abuse you and the property, still expect you to share a home with her I would say that it is your responsibility to say no in the only way left to you - by leaving and cutting yourself off from them for now. You have a responsibility to take care of yourself - not your sister and not your parents. If you don't you are continuing to engage in the patterns that have been set within the family so far. You are set on a path to success and you are right to fear your sister's ability to take you down with her in flames. You are particularly vulnerable living in a foreign country where you are not fluent in the language and are a dependent student and she is an older "adult" in the eyes of the world. If she chooses to blame you for some problem or you are living in the same place where drugs are being used/sold then you are tainted by association. What defense do you have if she says YOU are the one who bought the drugs or damaged the building? Given her age, your description, your parents continuing engagement and your own lack of a position of authority (after all - what can you do to really enforce any rules in this kind of situation?) I would not even begin to try to give you advice on what to say or do to avoid problems. I'm sorry if I am discouraging but I do not believe you CAN avoid problems and ultimately violence at the hands of your sister. Your goals are anathema to her. She will destroy you just because she can and will see nothing wrong with what she has done. If you have done any reading on antisocial personality disorder you know that she essentially has no conscience. She is incapable of caring about the havoc she wreaks or the damage she may cause emotionally or physically. She may indeed benefit from psychiatric treatment but she has had the benefit of that in the past and apparently has chosen to discontinue treatment. At 30 she is highly unlikely to change until she is jailed or in some other way is truly faced with no other choice. So abandon ship is my best advice. Leave her to sink or swim on her own. Take the life boat and do not look back since to take her aboard would swamp you both. I know your parents will not understand. I know you will feel guilty. I know other family members may be angry. But they have not stood up for you to someone who will destroy everyone who supports her - eventually. Perhaps you will inspire other family members to accept the need to let your sister bear the natural consequences that go with the choices she is making. peace and strength for your journey. [/QUOTE]
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