Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Is this the right place?
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="aninom" data-source="post: 322212" data-attributes="member: 8513"><p>Yes. Yes. And I did leave, to live with my grandmother, in my very early teens. I still feel guilty about it, since I could act as a buffer between her and my parents much of the time, but in the end I know it was the right and the sane thing to do. I am still considering it an option for the coming months, depending on how the stretch december-january goes. My heart is completely with you: it's not just the physical abuse that leaves a scar, but every insult, every manipulation hurts for years afterwards. Did your brother ever change? How old is he now?</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>No, no, they don't expect me to at all. My mom told me flat-out I needed to get another place, but I'm hesitant to do something that drastic before I know all other options are exhausted, i.e. I'm hoping I can change her mind about staying the full six months, I'm hoping something else will catch her fancy. The one positive is that she is extremely impulsive - one fight with this ex-boyfriend that called her here, or some party back at her school, will have her bouncing out the door in three seconds.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>You are more right than you know. Those times the police or social services have had to be called, and this was in a economically and politically sound country, she's almost always been able to turn the tables - lying about abuse of the worst kind, using the "my parents are religious fundamentalists/alcoholics/insane/incestuous" card.</p><p> </p><p>I'm definitely past being idealistic enough to think I can change her. She can't even admit there is a problem, and will physically punch, throw boiling water at, scratch, etc at you IMMEDIATELY if you suggest her behavior is not acceptable (sadly, she does not see the irony of this). </p><p> </p><p>And I KNOW that, sooner or later, things will escalate to that point. I just feel such a relief that I have somewhere I can vent out all this worry and be taken seriously, and that at least here I can actually work out a strategy for what to do and how to behave when this DOES happen. Ideally I can figure something out to prevent the situation from getting to the point where I would have to call in outside help, which, as you say, might have little effect other than enraging her further.</p><p> </p><p></p><p> </p><p>My mom feels this way too, she's given up completely on setting boundaries or discussing the issue. I sort of sympathize with this - please don't think my parents just rolled over from the beginning, or left me to blow in the wind. They have tried everything and anything, and are left with chronic stomach ulcers, shaking hands, depression. There is only so much you can do when she absolutely refuses to confront her own behavior. </p><p> </p><p>I just got off the phone with my mom: she called to reiterate my having to get another place, but also said my grandmother insists on coming down at least over december. This is good, since her just being present tends to take the edge off the worst of the physical hands-on violence. But bad, since I don't think it's right for her to be a buffer for my sake, especially since I'm younger and hope I can cope with it better nerve-wise than grandma should be expected to.</p><p> </p><p>And! Turns out mom actually didn't willingly pay for the flight - M lied to her about the money going to emergency rent payment. Obviously mom didn't buy it 100%, but just in case there really was an emergency which does frequently happen since M still doesn't know how to pay her rent by herself, she went ahead and transferred the funds. So there you go. Conned for the gazillionth time.</p><p> </p><p>mstang and others, thank you so much for the kind responses! I agree that there needs to be very clear expectations and ground rules from the very start. I need to find it in me to be firm. Then there's also the issue of how to set them: any, ANY, allusion to her bad behavior quite literally makes her go berserk in the worst way. I talked this over with my mom and she wanted me not to even try. When I insisted on it being the only shot, she suggested I put it very mildly and in a public place - I see the need for a public place, just for safety's sake, but how effective can it be if it is perceived as just a suggestion? "Oh, and if you please would not injure me the next time you lose your hair clip, that would be swell"... </p><p> </p><p>My strategy so far:</p><p>1. Lay down the expectations from the beginning, at the airport, before we are at the apartment. Couch it in terms of "this is what I expect from all my roommates" - I hope this will make it seem less personal, not referencing her personal history, which she seems to blank erase as soon as an "episode" is over. Y</p><p> </p><p>ou try and reference any past behavior, she explodes - I know it's cowardly but I just can't confront her in terms of "It can't happen again" or "I tell you not to yell, destroy things, or be violent because these are behaviors I have seen before".</p><p> </p><p>2. Mom reminded me that we have relatives which I've just started to know, and that M has hung out with and sometimes used before. There is especially one awesome family M also likes - this is a good thing, since with people she hasn't "blown her cover" with, she is obsessed with retaining a good image of herself. </p><p> </p><p>As part of the ground rules, I will tell her that if any serious aggression takes place, I WILL call this relative and tell him what the situation is and to please help me get away from the apartment. </p><p> </p><p>We have had to do this with other friends/relatives, and it has worked on occassion - she storms out rather than "blowing her cover" were they to arrive at the house and see the situation for themselves. Hopefully just the threat is enough to keep the worst behavior at bay.</p><p> </p><p>3. What do I do about the small stuff? If she steals and/or destroys material things, organizes huge parties until 5AM, yells and so on. How much do I sweat it - it is extremely frustrating and demoralizing, but at the same time, having a confrontation over every such instance will make her REALLY explode that much sooner. And I don't have it in me to have volcanic fights every day after work. </p><p> </p><p>Do I make a big deal out of any such behavior as part of the ground-rules-plan? Do I point it out neutrally? I know the key here is to remain calm, but I don't know how to phrase my requests/admonishments.</p><p> </p><p>4. Neighbors: they know she comes every summer, and they know the subsequent noise very, very well. Both those next-door and the floor below us have complained and straight-out asked us what's going on. I've never seen them myself, but I'm planning to be on the lookout for an opportunity to let them get to know me - this way, any serious "episode", I can ask the next-door neighbor for help. </p><p> </p><p>The whole building knows who "that girl" is, and were it to come to calling the police, being able to have my neighbor call on his own behalf would both deflect some of her anger off me (I can claim that I didn't personally want to call them) and also make sure the police take it seriously. I would REALLY it not get to this point, though.</p><p> </p><p>Does this sound reasonable? What have been your own strategies in the past, what has worked, what hasn't?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="aninom, post: 322212, member: 8513"] Yes. Yes. And I did leave, to live with my grandmother, in my very early teens. I still feel guilty about it, since I could act as a buffer between her and my parents much of the time, but in the end I know it was the right and the sane thing to do. I am still considering it an option for the coming months, depending on how the stretch december-january goes. My heart is completely with you: it's not just the physical abuse that leaves a scar, but every insult, every manipulation hurts for years afterwards. Did your brother ever change? How old is he now? No, no, they don't expect me to at all. My mom told me flat-out I needed to get another place, but I'm hesitant to do something that drastic before I know all other options are exhausted, i.e. I'm hoping I can change her mind about staying the full six months, I'm hoping something else will catch her fancy. The one positive is that she is extremely impulsive - one fight with this ex-boyfriend that called her here, or some party back at her school, will have her bouncing out the door in three seconds. You are more right than you know. Those times the police or social services have had to be called, and this was in a economically and politically sound country, she's almost always been able to turn the tables - lying about abuse of the worst kind, using the "my parents are religious fundamentalists/alcoholics/insane/incestuous" card. I'm definitely past being idealistic enough to think I can change her. She can't even admit there is a problem, and will physically punch, throw boiling water at, scratch, etc at you IMMEDIATELY if you suggest her behavior is not acceptable (sadly, she does not see the irony of this). And I KNOW that, sooner or later, things will escalate to that point. I just feel such a relief that I have somewhere I can vent out all this worry and be taken seriously, and that at least here I can actually work out a strategy for what to do and how to behave when this DOES happen. Ideally I can figure something out to prevent the situation from getting to the point where I would have to call in outside help, which, as you say, might have little effect other than enraging her further. My mom feels this way too, she's given up completely on setting boundaries or discussing the issue. I sort of sympathize with this - please don't think my parents just rolled over from the beginning, or left me to blow in the wind. They have tried everything and anything, and are left with chronic stomach ulcers, shaking hands, depression. There is only so much you can do when she absolutely refuses to confront her own behavior. I just got off the phone with my mom: she called to reiterate my having to get another place, but also said my grandmother insists on coming down at least over december. This is good, since her just being present tends to take the edge off the worst of the physical hands-on violence. But bad, since I don't think it's right for her to be a buffer for my sake, especially since I'm younger and hope I can cope with it better nerve-wise than grandma should be expected to. And! Turns out mom actually didn't willingly pay for the flight - M lied to her about the money going to emergency rent payment. Obviously mom didn't buy it 100%, but just in case there really was an emergency which does frequently happen since M still doesn't know how to pay her rent by herself, she went ahead and transferred the funds. So there you go. Conned for the gazillionth time. mstang and others, thank you so much for the kind responses! I agree that there needs to be very clear expectations and ground rules from the very start. I need to find it in me to be firm. Then there's also the issue of how to set them: any, ANY, allusion to her bad behavior quite literally makes her go berserk in the worst way. I talked this over with my mom and she wanted me not to even try. When I insisted on it being the only shot, she suggested I put it very mildly and in a public place - I see the need for a public place, just for safety's sake, but how effective can it be if it is perceived as just a suggestion? "Oh, and if you please would not injure me the next time you lose your hair clip, that would be swell"... My strategy so far: 1. Lay down the expectations from the beginning, at the airport, before we are at the apartment. Couch it in terms of "this is what I expect from all my roommates" - I hope this will make it seem less personal, not referencing her personal history, which she seems to blank erase as soon as an "episode" is over. Y ou try and reference any past behavior, she explodes - I know it's cowardly but I just can't confront her in terms of "It can't happen again" or "I tell you not to yell, destroy things, or be violent because these are behaviors I have seen before". 2. Mom reminded me that we have relatives which I've just started to know, and that M has hung out with and sometimes used before. There is especially one awesome family M also likes - this is a good thing, since with people she hasn't "blown her cover" with, she is obsessed with retaining a good image of herself. As part of the ground rules, I will tell her that if any serious aggression takes place, I WILL call this relative and tell him what the situation is and to please help me get away from the apartment. We have had to do this with other friends/relatives, and it has worked on occassion - she storms out rather than "blowing her cover" were they to arrive at the house and see the situation for themselves. Hopefully just the threat is enough to keep the worst behavior at bay. 3. What do I do about the small stuff? If she steals and/or destroys material things, organizes huge parties until 5AM, yells and so on. How much do I sweat it - it is extremely frustrating and demoralizing, but at the same time, having a confrontation over every such instance will make her REALLY explode that much sooner. And I don't have it in me to have volcanic fights every day after work. Do I make a big deal out of any such behavior as part of the ground-rules-plan? Do I point it out neutrally? I know the key here is to remain calm, but I don't know how to phrase my requests/admonishments. 4. Neighbors: they know she comes every summer, and they know the subsequent noise very, very well. Both those next-door and the floor below us have complained and straight-out asked us what's going on. I've never seen them myself, but I'm planning to be on the lookout for an opportunity to let them get to know me - this way, any serious "episode", I can ask the next-door neighbor for help. The whole building knows who "that girl" is, and were it to come to calling the police, being able to have my neighbor call on his own behalf would both deflect some of her anger off me (I can claim that I didn't personally want to call them) and also make sure the police take it seriously. I would REALLY it not get to this point, though. Does this sound reasonable? What have been your own strategies in the past, what has worked, what hasn't? [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Is this the right place?
Top