It gets tiring

[maril]

difficult child attended and willingly was interviewed and evaluated (dual diagnosis program), a plan was set for intensive treatment, and difficult child agreed.

When we returned home, he said he refused to go through with it and that he can handle his problems himself. He also claimed I had not told him about this (which is not true/making claims like this is one of the methods he uses to divert). I refreshed his memory about his (prior) willingness to seek treatment and go through with this appointment.

I saw "that" look on his face, the one he gets before he rages, got my point across but then left it at that, making it clear that, yes, there is a problem, and, no, husband and I cannot continue to live being at risk. I asked him to think about it before making a decision to decline treatment, told him we would have to address the problems one way or another (all the while knowing this could possibly escalate into something ugly, which, thank goodness, it did not). He told me that he is refusing to go there and that the only way he will participate in a program is if he is forced (involuntary commitment).

So, here we go again.

I have to decide what to do next about his refusal but, in the meantime, I am looking online for local Al-Anon open meetings (found one pretty close to home so far) and am going to head out to look for the books some other kind posters suggested to me previously.

 

[compassion]

((( )))) Marililynne. That is great about the dual diagnosis program. Remmeber,it is yur son's illnesses speaking up loud an dclear. The fact that he did agree intially, that speaks volumes and is very encouraging.
This is what I did, I put out a behavioral contract. Drugs/drinking was not OK while she was at home, she had to attend AA, follow house rules, etc. She kind of did this for about 6 weeks and then really went off the deep end. I had been very up frot it is either get treqaqtment here as outpatient or go in treatment center.
She did not go quietly and sitll has been (3 weeks in) at tiems denying, trying to get out,etc. but is much more stable,etc.
We ended up having police transport to crisisstabilizastion and we transported to Residential Treatment Center (RTC) as it was in adifferent county.
I do think it gets confusing about wanting help becasue the addict does not want help and that is where boundaies come in.
I am glad you are going to Al-Anon, etc.
Yes, it si tiring and we are your safe place to land.
Compassion

 

[maril]

Oh, compassion, thank you! It means a lot to have your support and understanding. I am in another one of those can't stand to be in my own skin type of days and I needed to hear your encouraging words.

You seem to handle things well! I send hugs your way, too. I remember reading some recent posts of yours about the difficulty of hanging in there with your daughter being in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

We haven't discussed the treatment any more today. I going to bring it up again with him tomorrow and see if he is more receptive. He really did not like his first impression of the therapist, a rather direct and no nonsense person (therapist approached me in the same manner but it was evident he knew what he was doing, even though it put me on the defensive a bit).

So, I am on the computer here in the next room while difficult child made himself something to eat. Next thing I know, here he comes with a sandwich for me (he usually doesn't do stuff like that...peace offering, maybe?) It was really good but I don't really need the calories!!!

Anyway, we (husband and I) have to stick to our guns and follow through. I think your suggestions about the contract, etc., are helpful, too.

Have a good rest of the evening (assuming it is night where you are, lol).

 

[maril]

difficult child is now in denial and running fast and hard from himself and us; he is going downhill and it is scary; substance abuse has been escalating and he refuses treatment.

I would like to comment that in reading many posts on these boards where there is firm direction given to not enable, to seek support, and to get the ball rolling has given me direction. I have gone back and re-read my own posts as well and responses to those have provided me strength, comfort, and a push to stay the course. All this has helped get me through this past week; much going on, not getting better.

husband and I have tough decisions to make including to get county court involved; one minute I am resolved, the next I am second guessing myself. Fortunately, husband seems to be resolved to follow through and he has no doubt that we are not going to fold under pressure because difficult child is repeatedly trying to outmaneuver and manipulate us when it comes to seeking help, specifically, in a dual diagnosis setting.

 

[recovering doormat]

Marilynne, I can so relate to your situation. My ex-husband and I have been stewing about what we can do if we decide that our son needs to go back to a residential placement and he won't go willingly. The law changed on January 1st here in Connecticut so that 16 and 17 year olds are no longer treated differently from minors aged 15 and younger by the courts, and my contact at the school district tells me that we actually can make him go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) even if he doesn't want to. If it's within the state of Connecticut the juvenile probation department will provide "transportation" for him. I guess we'll find out soon enough if we can make him do something he doesn't want to.

I second guess myself all the time and I, like you, need to detach. I don't have much wisdom to add, if I did, I wouldn't be in this situation, but just know that I am feeling for you while you struggle with your child. I am so there with you.

My son thinks he can handle his problems at home, that they're not that bad, but he also has admitted that if he spends time with his pre-rehab friends, it's very difficult for him to resist temptation...and he's only been home 3 weeks. He was ina dual diagnosis facility in Pennsylvania and the team there strongly recommended that he continue long term placement in another dual diagnosis facility ,but one with a challenging academic program. Good luck finding one of those.

I'm also in need of some detachment lessons. I hope we both go for them.

 

[maril]

recovering doormat:

In need of detachment lessons ... yes, indeed (lol)! Also, thanks for your support!

I'd like to note, too, that I believe you have wisdom, even if you say you feel that you do not. in my opinion, it is the journey that is rough (keeping in mind that you are already armed with some wisdom and experience as a parent) in that, not knowing (even with all the best efforts and forethought) whether things might derail or if our young men will want to make lifestyle changes, etc. (brings me to your point about and I agree with needing to detach...). Wonder if I make any sense? Might I chalk it up to an aging brain and lots of stress?

As you said in your post, "The law changed on January 1st here in Connecticut so that 16 and 17 year olds are no longer treated differently from minors aged 15 and younger by the courts, and my contact at the school district tells me that we actually can make him go to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) even if he doesn't want to. If it's within the state of Connecticut the juvenile probation department will provide "transportation" for him. I guess we'll find out soon enough if we can make him do something he doesn't want to." The change in law sounds like good news. It may be beneficial, if and when you decide on readmitting your son to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Take care, and please let me know if you come across a course in Detachment 101 winking.