It is what it is..

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by mof, Aug 25, 2016.

  1. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So I needed to get this off my chest.

    Some of you know our son is returning home next Monday on his 20th Birthday. There is reason for optimism..but growth will need to happen..even slow growth.

    He came home for the weekend..per counselor instruction, I posted that on my thread.

    But today...I love my son, but I don't particularity like him. I don't feel bad about it right now, I had a bad day Tues..and cried it out. Now I'm battle ready. Well, best I can be.

    He agreed to our terms, carted his Boundary Contract back with him to talk to his counselor about it. He is Waay over medicated, and has a doctor to evaluate him here, a weekly therapist..all he agreed with. Along with his AA mtgs and a sponsor so he can finish the steps...he's almost there. Even got his old job back.

    But I don't like him....I love him to the moon and back...but am holding onto resentment. Every photo..every family event I think about him and what he was hiding from we know everything, and well..IT WAS HARD TO HEAR THE TRUTH.

    I need time...I don't know if I will get over it...but it's there, and it is what it is.
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I had felt you were a bit different the last few days based on your posts.

    Awesome he got his job back!

    So maybe this is part of the recovery? I don't know because UNFORTUNATELY my son is still in denial.

    I'm sure someone else will help you to understand this "stage". It does suck though to hear it. Sometimes the truth is hard to hear.

    But the truth will set you free!

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  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Gee, I remember myself living in the "Denial Bubble" was safe, secure..but it eventually pops...

    I pray for your son....wish we could just bop on the head and shake some sense in them.....
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is truly changed, you will get over it. You will be thrilled.

    I hope he does well. You are brave to bring him home.
  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I will cross all crossable body parts and pray that he is ready to do the hard work.
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  6. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis


    Wow, that's impressive..Thank you from the bottom of my heart:)
  7. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I think it takes a long time to get over past resentments and disappointments. I have a completely different circumstance with my Difficult Child... But it seems like something she says or does will just trigger all my old fears and I am back in the moment. I feel like I have PTSD.

    The way she will brush off my concerns, or reply with something that sounds a little snotty, or drops little word bites that I know are emotional pokes... And I am back in the heat of battle.

    But then I see the improvements she has made and I try not to get stuck in the past. But it is so hard!

  8. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I understand Love With all your heart , but not like him ! You are in my prayers
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Usually I agree, ksm. But if a drug addicted child quits, and apologizes and you realize how much your child acted badly only because of drugs, I do believe many people can, if not forget, at least forgive and with time trust again...but...

    Of course, I did not have decades of betrayal either. My daughter was a very young abuser, 12-19. It was easy to be over it because she turned her life around at such an early age. Its different maybe if it goes on for decades.
  10. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So I heard from his c poo counselor today...she agreed he seems to be on board with our contract , she believes in being. Cautiously optimistic.

    I'm sad...He did extreme drugs, dealt and it's truly amazing he's alive. Yes, he's mentally ill, but nothing that can't improve.....his birthday moving home is approaching....and my resentment is growing.

    I guess I should have gone through this month's ago...but it's building. I'm detaching in anger and overwhelming sadness.

    I do think we're doing the right chin t thing..but what if, what if, what if....we don't seem to have much luck these days!!

    My twins have so much faith in him. They see the hope, they say he's the brother they remember, but he looks different.

    Maybe I'm scared...but I'm ashamed too. He was nothing to society....nothing but part of a problem...barely living because he didn't want to.
    Counselor believes home area is positive, he didn't do his heavy drugs here. But he's starting over..Will he have the strength..Will we????

    I just had to write it out...thanks
  11. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member


    Your emotions are totally normal. When someone breaks our trust it hurts and angers us, and no matter who that person is it takes time and work to earn that trust and forgiveness.

    It would be totally unnatural to suddenly forgive and forget everything.

    If he stays the course those feeling will gradually fade after a while, but it is, I think, a good thing to hold onto some of that so that you don't let your guard down and become complacent.
  12. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Thank you Sister...
  13. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I know the feeling of resentment .... It's hard not to resent them. The money we worked so hard for going to drugs or failed courses in our case.... The nights we stayed up worrying... All the drama. I am exhausted from the past few years, and like many here I think I have permanent trauma damage from this ordeal.

    I think it's good he is agreeing to your contract and to continued treatment. Our son is on his own, but the only treatment he has done to my knowledge is NA meetings. He won't do medications or doctors. And we can't force him.

    I hope you find some peace for you, I have an uneasy peace myself right now... Just trying to focus on the parts of my life that bring me joy. It's not easy, but it's necessary.

    Keep us posted and I think it's good you are sharing your feelings....
  14. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    So we leave soon to pick up man child.

    I am filled with disgust and frustration...he really has done nothing we asked while he was in his last week there. Besides his counseling and continued mtgs.

    Well...that ends today...he has list everyday he has to do...appts, therapy...continued care at rehab continues too.

    He's 20 today...I feel nothing like pool, no party or gifts. I bought :/ t him a cupcake and he got a few cards....I hate my benevolence....but it is whAt it is..

    I'm praying for strength and my attitude that isn't like me..

    Though..we were sent a story of hope. My hubby and I went to a home show this weekend for some fun. We sat down and met a man who owned a plumbing service. Surprise...his daughter was bad addict, but is 4 yrs sober. She was FORCED to rehab, so it can work.

    He was amazing, faith filled and tries to hire at risk men. He says sometimes it works, sometimes not. But we walked away thinking...we went to a Home show just to talk to him!

    Gave us his number if there was anything he could was refreshing to speak with him.
  15. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    Can I ask an honest question? If he hasn't stuck to the plans and held up his end of the bargain why are you picking him up?

    I don't mean to sound like a hard ass, but in my experience I have found that any little backslide or easing of the rules leads to bigger things.

    Addicts are always of the "give them an inch and they will take a mile" variety.
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Is he home? How's it going?

    Thinking of you.
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  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Wow that is amazing that you made that connection at home show. God works in mysterious ways!
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  18. jetsam

    jetsam Member

    Really! amazing about the home show! You know what they say...when you least expect it. continue to stay strong, thoughts and prayers
  19. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It took me a long long time to look at pictures from years ago and not feel the sadness and overwhelming loss over what was back then.
  20. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    We took our son out for his 22 birthday to a really expensive restaurant if his choice and he looked so dirty and actually ill, that I was embarrassed. It was shameful that I felt that way about my own son, but I was.

    Don't feel bad about your feelings, that's all they are feelings... Not facts or actions. Feelings can change and often do.

    I am going on two weeks not seeing my son, and even though I'm so sad in some ways it's a relief.

    I hope the homecoming goes smooth for you.

    Thinking of you....
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