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Substance Abuse
It's A New Week, Mikey...How's It Going?
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<blockquote data-quote="Mikey" data-source="post: 61429" data-attributes="member: 3579"><p><strong>busywend</strong>: In fact, I don't disagree with you. I am a destructive force in my family. I won't post any "lame excuses", but the truth is that I never really knew how my wife felt at all. I took her lack of input as tacit approval for what I was doing, only to have her finally reach her breaking point - and then <strong>I</strong> was the one pulling back and being quiet.</p><p></p><p>I am the destructive force because I didn't recognize that the true problem in my home is a disconnect between me and my beloved wife. McWeedy, while as serious problem, has almost been a blessing in that he's forced me to realize this fact. However, now that I know about it, I don't know what can be done, because the gulf is much wider than I thought. Let me explain....</p><p></p><p>Yesterday, I get a call at work from wife. She's very upset (i.e. yelling) on the phone that McWeedy has really gone off the deep end. She tells me that (a) while she was asleep, he took her van that morning to bring his girlfriend over; (b) he took her credit card without asking to put gas in his car; and worst of all, (c) he left his phone in her van, and she was reading his text messages. </p><p></p><p>They weren't good, and wife's only comment was "I want him gone". So, in the middle of the day, I'm on my way home. wife leaves me the phone while she takes Dancer out on errands, and I spend the next thirty minutes reading....</p><p></p><p>As it turns out, McWeedy has quite the side life going on, and as so many here suspected, had simply gotten better at hiding it from us. He's moved on to include acid and 'shrooms to his chemical diet. There are also many, many messages about setting up drug deals, his "clients", finding creative ways to meet up with people at the local drug houses, etc...</p><p></p><p>So I leave, trying to get some info so I can talk to wife. I speak with a defense attorney about what McWeedy could be facing if caught. 14 months - or more - in prison, as an adult, at a minimum. That's if he "cooperates", i.e. rolls over on his suppliers and sellers. Otherwise it could be much, much worse. The attorney (who used to work for the public defender's office, and has worked with many teens in this situation) said that if the group involved is as big as his texts indicate, the police are probably already investigating and know about him. I get his card, thank him for his time, and move on.</p><p></p><p>Next stop, Juvie, to speak with the nice man who's been trying to help me over the last few months. Unfortunately, at this point there's nothing they can do. I was hoping I could file a CINC (child in need of care) petition, but he said that our state wouldn't go for that because these are criminal issues, and would refer us to the local PD. He went on to say that the juvie system is already overloaded and overcrowded, and that if McWeedy is caught as a juvie, the DA would probably wait a few months 'till he's 18 and charge him as an adult. Money and politics - blech. But at this point, the probability of keeping him in the juvie system is very slim.</p><p></p><p>The nice man went on to say that we had to pick from three bad choices: (a) look the other way, and try to enforce what rules we're able to in the house; (b) take everything we have to the police, or (c) kick him out. His suggestion is that the best of the bad options is to go to the PD, since he seems to be escalating his activities, doesn't fear any consequences from us, and kicking him out will only force him deeper into the culture that's currently destroying his life.</p><p></p><p>Finally, I call his current doctor at the medication study for advice. He had only two things to say: (a) "If you told your son that you'd report him to the police if he kept dealing drugs, and he's still dealing drugs, why haven't you called the police?", and (b) if we could wait until our meeting tomorrow night (tonight) before doing anything, he'd try to use the "family session" to help.</p><p></p><p>Okay, so I finally go home after all this. As suggested by others here, I try to calmly discuss this with wife to decide what to do. I explain everything that I've been told by the other professionals I talked to. I offered to bring her back to them or call them if she wanted to talk to them. Since the last thing she said was "I want him gone", I'm expecting her to blow up.</p><p></p><p>Nope, pendulum has swung, and now she wants to try and "work with McWeedy to see the error of his ways and give him a chance to change". I strongly disagree, saying that he was already confronted two months ago with evidence of what he was doing, and was told that he'd be kicked out (or worse) if he kept it up. He's had his chance, and now's the time to make good on the consequences.</p><p></p><p>Very plainly, wife tells me that she's <strong>NOT</strong> going to report her own child to the police, and that she's <strong>NOT</strong> going to kick him out without giving him the chance to "get better". "Get better? <em>"Yes, inpatient rehab, treatment, and giving up his friends".</em> I can't believe I'm hearing this, but I try to reason with wife. <em>"He's never faced these potential consequences before".</em> "Yes he has". <em>"Not like this".</em> "Yes he has - two months ago". <em>"I'm going to give him one more chance - he said he'd try".</em> "He said that two months ago, and a month before that, and many times before that. It won't work".</p><p></p><p>Finally, she drops the bomb. "I won't report my son to the police. And if you do it, you'll have to divorce me in process".</p><p></p><p>I don't know what to say. I leave to take the girls to the pool, and when I come back wife is all cheerful, like nothing ever happened. She informs me that she's talked to McWeedy, and that he's "really going to change - get help, give up his friends and the drug lifestyle, and get his life back on track". That's the end of it, and the topic doesn't come back up.</p><p></p><p>Consequences? We don't need no stinkin' consequences.</p><p></p><p>So, now what do I do? It's obvious McWeedy isn't going to change - he's only getting worse, and now he's doing things that put the whole family in jeopardy even more than before. And wife has threatened divorce if I do anything "drastic" other than give him a chance to prove he can change.</p><p></p><p>I'm sure I've done everything wrong. I tried to get as much info as I could from the "people that know" (including you folks), went to wife in a quiet, closed room to try and formulate some plan of action and consequences, and was promptly shut down.</p><p></p><p>But in the end, now <strong>we</strong> are the ones facing three choices, not McWeedy. Try to "work with him", report him, or kick him out. None of them are good. All are destructive. And I can't get wife to even discuss the last two options, even though I think they're the only ones left. The guy at Juvie said it best: "What's best for your family? Not just your son, but for your family?" </p><p></p><p>He said to talk to wife and answer that question when discussing the only three options we had. His suggestion, by the way, is to report this stuff to the police. After 30 years of working with juvies in the system, he felt that "leaving him alone and hoping he'll change" will only cause him to sink deeper. Kicking him out will only force him into the very culture causing the problems, because it's the only place he can go. </p><p></p><p>Regardless of what it "costs him", reporting him - even if he ends up in the adult system - will at least force him to pay some consequences for his poor choices, which is what's needed. He may even get help. It won't "help" if he doesn't want it, but he may get it anyway. And while it will put him in a situation that <em>could be</em> dangerous, is it any worse than the <strong>known</strong> dangers of his current path?</p><p></p><p>Anyway, it doesn't really matter, since wife won't go along with anything other than repeating the same cycle of behaviors we've been circling through for the past year.</p><p></p><p>Okay, that's the latest. Cut loose, I'm sure I deserve it. But I still am appreciative of all of you.</p><p></p><p>Thanks,</p><p>Mikey</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mikey, post: 61429, member: 3579"] [b]busywend[/b]: In fact, I don't disagree with you. I am a destructive force in my family. I won't post any "lame excuses", but the truth is that I never really knew how my wife felt at all. I took her lack of input as tacit approval for what I was doing, only to have her finally reach her breaking point - and then [b]I[/b] was the one pulling back and being quiet. I am the destructive force because I didn't recognize that the true problem in my home is a disconnect between me and my beloved wife. McWeedy, while as serious problem, has almost been a blessing in that he's forced me to realize this fact. However, now that I know about it, I don't know what can be done, because the gulf is much wider than I thought. Let me explain.... Yesterday, I get a call at work from wife. She's very upset (i.e. yelling) on the phone that McWeedy has really gone off the deep end. She tells me that (a) while she was asleep, he took her van that morning to bring his girlfriend over; (b) he took her credit card without asking to put gas in his car; and worst of all, (c) he left his phone in her van, and she was reading his text messages. They weren't good, and wife's only comment was "I want him gone". So, in the middle of the day, I'm on my way home. wife leaves me the phone while she takes Dancer out on errands, and I spend the next thirty minutes reading.... As it turns out, McWeedy has quite the side life going on, and as so many here suspected, had simply gotten better at hiding it from us. He's moved on to include acid and 'shrooms to his chemical diet. There are also many, many messages about setting up drug deals, his "clients", finding creative ways to meet up with people at the local drug houses, etc... So I leave, trying to get some info so I can talk to wife. I speak with a defense attorney about what McWeedy could be facing if caught. 14 months - or more - in prison, as an adult, at a minimum. That's if he "cooperates", i.e. rolls over on his suppliers and sellers. Otherwise it could be much, much worse. The attorney (who used to work for the public defender's office, and has worked with many teens in this situation) said that if the group involved is as big as his texts indicate, the police are probably already investigating and know about him. I get his card, thank him for his time, and move on. Next stop, Juvie, to speak with the nice man who's been trying to help me over the last few months. Unfortunately, at this point there's nothing they can do. I was hoping I could file a CINC (child in need of care) petition, but he said that our state wouldn't go for that because these are criminal issues, and would refer us to the local PD. He went on to say that the juvie system is already overloaded and overcrowded, and that if McWeedy is caught as a juvie, the DA would probably wait a few months 'till he's 18 and charge him as an adult. Money and politics - blech. But at this point, the probability of keeping him in the juvie system is very slim. The nice man went on to say that we had to pick from three bad choices: (a) look the other way, and try to enforce what rules we're able to in the house; (b) take everything we have to the police, or (c) kick him out. His suggestion is that the best of the bad options is to go to the PD, since he seems to be escalating his activities, doesn't fear any consequences from us, and kicking him out will only force him deeper into the culture that's currently destroying his life. Finally, I call his current doctor at the medication study for advice. He had only two things to say: (a) "If you told your son that you'd report him to the police if he kept dealing drugs, and he's still dealing drugs, why haven't you called the police?", and (b) if we could wait until our meeting tomorrow night (tonight) before doing anything, he'd try to use the "family session" to help. Okay, so I finally go home after all this. As suggested by others here, I try to calmly discuss this with wife to decide what to do. I explain everything that I've been told by the other professionals I talked to. I offered to bring her back to them or call them if she wanted to talk to them. Since the last thing she said was "I want him gone", I'm expecting her to blow up. Nope, pendulum has swung, and now she wants to try and "work with McWeedy to see the error of his ways and give him a chance to change". I strongly disagree, saying that he was already confronted two months ago with evidence of what he was doing, and was told that he'd be kicked out (or worse) if he kept it up. He's had his chance, and now's the time to make good on the consequences. Very plainly, wife tells me that she's [b]NOT[/b] going to report her own child to the police, and that she's [b]NOT[/b] going to kick him out without giving him the chance to "get better". "Get better? [i]"Yes, inpatient rehab, treatment, and giving up his friends".[/i] I can't believe I'm hearing this, but I try to reason with wife. [i]"He's never faced these potential consequences before".[/i] "Yes he has". [i]"Not like this".[/i] "Yes he has - two months ago". [i]"I'm going to give him one more chance - he said he'd try".[/i] "He said that two months ago, and a month before that, and many times before that. It won't work". Finally, she drops the bomb. "I won't report my son to the police. And if you do it, you'll have to divorce me in process". I don't know what to say. I leave to take the girls to the pool, and when I come back wife is all cheerful, like nothing ever happened. She informs me that she's talked to McWeedy, and that he's "really going to change - get help, give up his friends and the drug lifestyle, and get his life back on track". That's the end of it, and the topic doesn't come back up. Consequences? We don't need no stinkin' consequences. So, now what do I do? It's obvious McWeedy isn't going to change - he's only getting worse, and now he's doing things that put the whole family in jeopardy even more than before. And wife has threatened divorce if I do anything "drastic" other than give him a chance to prove he can change. I'm sure I've done everything wrong. I tried to get as much info as I could from the "people that know" (including you folks), went to wife in a quiet, closed room to try and formulate some plan of action and consequences, and was promptly shut down. But in the end, now [b]we[/b] are the ones facing three choices, not McWeedy. Try to "work with him", report him, or kick him out. None of them are good. All are destructive. And I can't get wife to even discuss the last two options, even though I think they're the only ones left. The guy at Juvie said it best: "What's best for your family? Not just your son, but for your family?" He said to talk to wife and answer that question when discussing the only three options we had. His suggestion, by the way, is to report this stuff to the police. After 30 years of working with juvies in the system, he felt that "leaving him alone and hoping he'll change" will only cause him to sink deeper. Kicking him out will only force him into the very culture causing the problems, because it's the only place he can go. Regardless of what it "costs him", reporting him - even if he ends up in the adult system - will at least force him to pay some consequences for his poor choices, which is what's needed. He may even get help. It won't "help" if he doesn't want it, but he may get it anyway. And while it will put him in a situation that [i]could be[/i] dangerous, is it any worse than the [b]known[/b] dangers of his current path? Anyway, it doesn't really matter, since wife won't go along with anything other than repeating the same cycle of behaviors we've been circling through for the past year. Okay, that's the latest. Cut loose, I'm sure I deserve it. But I still am appreciative of all of you. Thanks, Mikey [/QUOTE]
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