Joyous Christmas

[GB_42_XYZ]

How do you all make it thru the day living with these people? Our home feels like it's sitting on a cliff. It won't take much more for it to go over. I feel like I could explode. I need to escape, but I can't just leave my wife with him. My wife is still trying to blow things off and still doing the motherly things, vainly trying to make things better.
How do I get rid of him? I've given up all hope of helping him. He seems to have smartened up enough that my hope of long-term jail soon enough seems slim. My thoughts are dark.

 

[Nancy]

GB many of us have been in the same dark place you are. I don't remember your story so I will just tell you some things that came to my head to try to give you some home. It sounds like your wife and you are not on the same page, which is most important when dealing with any issue but most important when dealing with substance abuse. Have you talked to any professionals regarding your son's drug use? A doctor, therapist, drug counselor? My suggestion is to find a counselor that you and your wife can talk to so that you can get some advice and hopefully convince your wife of the problem. You need help developing a plan to get your son help. There is help out there but you can't just hope the problem goes away because with substance abuse it won't.

My other suggestion is that you find a families anonymous or al-anon group in your area and start going to meetings. If you can't get your wife to go, you go alone. In time you will learn how to detach from your son's abuse and when you change things will change at home.

I'm sorry you are in such a dark place right now but we all understand here. Refresh our memories on your story so we can comment further.

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

Thanks for replying.
He is now 19. He has smoked pot since junior high, done just about everything else as well at least once. He barely finished high school. We wouldn't have made it if my wife wasn't dragging him along. He is violent in the house. He has punched holes in just about every wall, though not lately. He practically destroyed my wife's last car, punching, kicking it. He has hit me once. We grappled but I never hit him back. That was a 2 or 3 years ago. I no longer get into confrontations with him because my restraint is gone. It would not be pretty. He is as big as I am. We are both filled with hate and anger. He directs his anger at my wife. I no longer get involved.

He has been to residential treatment a few times. He was kicked out of one place. They determined he was a danger. He has been to juvenile hall a couple of times and jail a couple of times, short term 2-3 week for theft. He was sooo sweet in jail. Gonna go to church, maybe become a cop, blah, blah. Very convincing. Maybe even convinced himself.
I believe he has conduct disorder. He seems to be addicted to pot as well. It's a daily thing for him. He doesn't have a job. Can't keep one for more than a couple of weeks. Just need enough money for pot.

My wife is hoping for a miracle and I know they do not exist.

 

[Kathy813]

I think it is time to make your son leave your home. We recently had to go the route of going to court and getting a temporary protection order against out daughter. They told us not to go back to our house until the police could go serve the TPO and escort her out of the house.

You are being held hostage by your son with his violent behavior towards you and your wife. Things won't change because he has a roof over his head and can do anything he wants with no consequences.

Of course your wife and you will need to get on the same page first. Nancy's suggestion of going to NarAnon or AlAnon would be a good first step. Others have walked in your shoes and their stories may help you decide what to do.

Keep posting. We understand and many of us have experienced what you are going through.

~Kathy

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

Last night my wife was talking to him when he came home. He actually broke down and cried. She was able to sit thru all of the verbal abuse until he broke. He says he is not like us, he couldn't go to work everyday to make a living. He says just needs money. He says he is evil.

Out of the blue he mentioned that we didn't let him go trick or treating one year when he was 10 years old. It was random. I get the sense that he's emotionally immature.

 

[toughlovin]

I am coming late to this.... it really does seem you and your wife need to get on the same page. How does she see his break down and thoughts. Has he had some serious therapy.... my guess is he has done some things that he is really ashamed of and cant forgive himself and so just feels as if he is evil... that may be me projecting as i know that is part of what my sons problem is. Anyway sounds like he needs help and maybe him breaking down was a door opening to him accepting some help?

TL

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

I'm not sure help is possible. I was doing a little google research today and found this:http://paularenee.wordpress.com/identifying-a-narcissistic-sociopath/

I'm not 100% sure he could be defined as 100% narcissistic, but he meets all 1-9 requirements for being a sociopath.
There doesn't seem to be anything we can about that. I need to seriously figure out how to get out of this situation.

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

Maybe he's Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I don't know. He doesn't appear to be a good enough planner to be a sociopath. I think I need to talk with a therapist.

 

[Kathy813]

Has your difficult child ever been diagnosed by a psychiatrist? Have you looked into making him leave your home?

~Kathy

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

He has talked to a variety of psychologists and one psychiatrist but I don't think we ever got any official diagnosis. My wife and I are not on the same page. I think I'm going to just have to take care of myself.

 

[GB_42_XYZ]

Who should I talk to? Or should I just leave? I don't really want to continue living like this.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Would your wife be willing to talk to a counselor with you so you could look at options together? If you're not on the same page, it doesn't sound at all fair to you to live this way. If your son has mental issues, you could contact NAMI, which is National Alliance for Mental Illness, they have chapters everywhere, you can access them online and check them out. They have really good programs for parents which not only educate you but I have found them to be very helpful with offering options. Have you talked to your wife about the seriousness of your feelings? If not of course that would be the next step. If so, leaving may be your only option. I know from my own experience that living with an adult child who is acting like your son is very, very hard on relationships and would be especially so if you and your wife are doing different battles. If it were me, I would be very clear with my partner about what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do and try to work out options with a counselor. If she is unwilling to do anything to work with you, geez, I am sorry, but that would appear to me as if I would have no choice but to leave. I am very sorry you find yourself in this situation. You sound like you're being held hostage by your sons behavior and your wife is allowing it.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Miracles do exist, in a sense. But... it would take both of you being on the same page, and at this age would require your son to want to cooperate.

But... I've been watching your posts, not responding because the primary presentation was substance abuse.... and I noticed that you are starting to wonder what else is going on. Something like Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or Aspie would definitely account for him feeling like "he's not like everyone else". Aspies and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) people are "wired differently". They DO think differently. Many of them can still be successful in life, but it really helps to know what you are dealing with.

You can't, however, force a 19 year old to cooperate for an evaluation. It would have to be something he wants, too.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm so sorry. I know how it feels to be caught in the middle with a substance abuser, verbal and physical abuser on one side, and a spouse who is trying to help, but is failing and actually enabling the difficult child, who is the third part of the triangle.
My sincere advice would be to seek help for yourself first. Get into therapy...it's like living in a war zone with no one sane to talk with. I urge you to get into therapy - both you and your wife - but if she will not go, then go yourself.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I would definitely sit your wife down and remind her that you only have one life. This life is not just about the son who chooses to destroy his, but it is your lives as well. He has to want help/change. If he is willing to go for treatment, great. If not, it is time to draw your boundaries and stick to them.

My husband was in the same exact place as you are right now. He told me he just couldn't live like this anymore and at the time I was so wrapped up in my daughter that I thought it was my job to be on her side, to be her "protector". I thought he was a complete a hole for feeling the way he did. Only after coming here/reading other's stories, talking to my ex-addict brother and watching shows about the topic did I learn he was right and what I was doing was sooo wrong. I kept preventing bottom from coming every single time I rescued her - from anything. And I did, a lot. I don't think she has hit bottom yet, surprisingly, but the rest of the house is no longer suffering on a daily basis. We are no longer held hostage to her mood swings. I don't have to watch her come home and crash, only to wake up, eat everything in the kitchen and watch her go out and do it all over again. My house is full of love and peace now. Sure, she comes by to visit (and I can tell you that the energy instantly changes when she is here), but it is back to peaceful when she leaves. Right now, she is homeless with her boyfriend but that is a result of her choices, not mine. I paid for rehab/sober living - she left. I would pay for rehab and sober living again, but nothing else (besides the cell phone so I know that she is alive...).

Your wife needs to come to this site, or watch Intervention/Rehab with Dr. Drew, attend Al Anon - something. If nothing changes, nothing changes. But let her make that decision. Don't just leave. Sit her down for a long talk first, let her know how you feel and where you are at. Either she joins you in therapy or you need to do what is best for you...

 

[toughlovin]

I agree with what others have said.... I think the journey to get out of the cycle of enabling an addict is a difficult one and not every member of a couple gets there at the same time. You have no control over anyone but yourself and what you do. So number one thing is to get help for yourself, definitely get therapy and go to alanon, hopefully a group for parents. I agree with PG sit your wife down and let her know you cant live like this anymore that you are going for help, you would like her to join you but if she cant then you go on your own

I would also be careful about diagnosing your son as a sociopath or anything else.... so many behaviors that come with personality disorders also are the result of what happens with substance abuse (ie lying, stealing, trouble with the law). Your son may very well have serious issues with mental illness but it is pretty hard to get a handle on those while he is using. We have very similar issues with my son and I do think he probably has a personality disorder but in the end none of it matters until he is ready for help.

This is along hard road that none of us should have to travel. Your wife is probably dying inside, is probably obsessed with the issues of your son and has a hard time separating herself from his actions. I dont know your wife so I could be wrong but I speak from having been in that place myself. So she needs support BUT you also need support and to find help for yourself.

There are many parents out there who have been on this journey.... and it is possible to live a good live in spite of what our kids are doing. I admit I have a hole in my heart that every now and then widens to a canyon, but most of the time I am living a much happier life than I used to. And the situation with my 21 year old son is not better... he is literally homeless on the streets of Denver thousands of miles away from home. But he is in touch some of the time, i can see he is still alive by his posting on facebook, he is starting to think about treatment (again) and so I wait until he is ready. In the mean time I enjoy by 17 year old daughter and my husband, friends, work etc. So it is possible to have a good life.... although i think if the addict is living at home it might not be possible to be honest. It is wonderful to have my home be my sanctuary where I want to be rather than feeling like I am living in a war zone.

TL