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Just a minor vent
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 235833" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>OH BOY have I been there - </p><p> </p><p>And you sit back and think as the Mom - (((((could something I say this time MAKE a difference? Make her stop these self-destructive behaviors? Allow her to get off the pity wagon called Woe is me for good?))))) </p><p> </p><p>I have debated in my own head about a bazillion times when Dude has made the same mistakes over, and over and over ad nauseum. My thoughts immediately now go to saying something to your daughter in the line of </p><p> </p><p>"Well I suppose you'll be feeling sorry for yourself like you do every single time you screw up and you'll take the pills and you'll binge drink and you'll find me to bail you out of this and then once I do - you're on the road to recovery and I'm just left on the road under the bus of emotional jackknife." Then walk away and play hardball........and not speak to her. because I used to say </p><p>"Oh honey - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way what can I do to make you feel better?" and then every time get bit or hit or spit on by a child who would scream at me that I have NO IDEA what it feels like to be her. </p><p> </p><p>Our therapist nailed Dude's persona pretty well - and once we (as parents) stopped the pity wagon and leveled the playing field and didn't acknowledge his obsessive behaviors and pity me state of mind and instead just pretended in our minds that we would say what we wanted to with tact, and whatever fallout there was? Was on him. </p><p> </p><p>NOT allowing and NOT acknowledging our sons self-sabotaging and making himself out to be the victim each and every time was the best thing we did for him as an young man. INstead of feeling sorry or taking a breath waiting on him to self-destruct we took a different route and said "Ya know what I know? I can't change you, I can't fix you, I can't make you see what a wonderful kid I see in you. But, I can walk away from you when you want pity - because you messed things up once again, and if you whine and say 'I always mess things up' then get therapy or seek help because OBVIOUSLY there is something not right upstairs here and I can't fix it and not only can't I not fix it I dont' have any more time or patience TO fix things for you - I'm 44 years old, I'm tired, I'm cranky I have my OWN flipping problems and while I do love you I am so sick and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with you - that I'm just plucking that shoe right out of the sky today, throwing it away and you just go and do what you want to do because you will anyway - AND SO WILL I." </p><p> </p><p>CRIPES - I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE OTHER THAN VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR MESSED UP WORLD - GET YOUR MESS TOGETHER AND START BEHAVING LIKE A 25 year old woman. </p><p> </p><p>THEN exhale - growl ............and walk away. </p><p> </p><p>Detachment 101 - second semester.......class graduate. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 235833, member: 4964"] OH BOY have I been there - And you sit back and think as the Mom - (((((could something I say this time MAKE a difference? Make her stop these self-destructive behaviors? Allow her to get off the pity wagon called Woe is me for good?))))) I have debated in my own head about a bazillion times when Dude has made the same mistakes over, and over and over ad nauseum. My thoughts immediately now go to saying something to your daughter in the line of "Well I suppose you'll be feeling sorry for yourself like you do every single time you screw up and you'll take the pills and you'll binge drink and you'll find me to bail you out of this and then once I do - you're on the road to recovery and I'm just left on the road under the bus of emotional jackknife." Then walk away and play hardball........and not speak to her. because I used to say "Oh honey - I'm so sorry you're feeling this way what can I do to make you feel better?" and then every time get bit or hit or spit on by a child who would scream at me that I have NO IDEA what it feels like to be her. Our therapist nailed Dude's persona pretty well - and once we (as parents) stopped the pity wagon and leveled the playing field and didn't acknowledge his obsessive behaviors and pity me state of mind and instead just pretended in our minds that we would say what we wanted to with tact, and whatever fallout there was? Was on him. NOT allowing and NOT acknowledging our sons self-sabotaging and making himself out to be the victim each and every time was the best thing we did for him as an young man. INstead of feeling sorry or taking a breath waiting on him to self-destruct we took a different route and said "Ya know what I know? I can't change you, I can't fix you, I can't make you see what a wonderful kid I see in you. But, I can walk away from you when you want pity - because you messed things up once again, and if you whine and say 'I always mess things up' then get therapy or seek help because OBVIOUSLY there is something not right upstairs here and I can't fix it and not only can't I not fix it I dont' have any more time or patience TO fix things for you - I'm 44 years old, I'm tired, I'm cranky I have my OWN flipping problems and while I do love you I am so sick and tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop with you - that I'm just plucking that shoe right out of the sky today, throwing it away and you just go and do what you want to do because you will anyway - AND SO WILL I." CRIPES - I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE OTHER THAN VICARIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR MESSED UP WORLD - GET YOUR MESS TOGETHER AND START BEHAVING LIKE A 25 year old woman. THEN exhale - growl ............and walk away. Detachment 101 - second semester.......class graduate. Hugs [/QUOTE]
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