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Just a minor vent
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 235993" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>Thank you, all. Star, your speech is great, and I've said something like it many times in my head! The good news is, I stopped "rescuing" long ago. I don't invite her to come home when she's being kicked out. That one is easy; the mere thought of her staying with me puts me into a panic ... plus, she has no car and there is no busline by me, she couldn't get to work from there, so it's illogical. I have given her money for rent on rare occasions, mainly when she missed worked due to a true physical illness and fell behind. </p><p></p><p>But, when I see her spending money on going out and drinking, or buying clothes, vs. saving to pay her court fines and reinstate her license and insurance, or paying her rent? No, there is no way I will give her money. I do occasionally buy groceries. </p><p></p><p>I'm not tempted to rescue, should things build to another crisis. Mainly, it's just the overwhelming sadness at her life, and her inability to admit her mental illness, and yes, the embarassment. It's the memories that pop up, the worrying how long she can live this way (literally), the feeling like a bad mom because I don't know how to respond to her when she calls me upset. Sometimes I think I've become so good at the detachment thing with her, that the walls I've built are too high, I find it difficult to comfort her or give her what she needs from me because I don't want to open that door. But her perception of what she needs is so skewed... it's hard to know how to resopnd appropriately. I tell her I love her, I tell her I'm sorry she's going through this, I don't lecture about her choices any more. It falls on deaf ears, and it only makes her feel worse. I do tell her that she needs to get help, and that perhaps she can avoid this happening again if she follows through on mental health help (and then of course I hear all the excuses as to why she "can't"). Then I just let it go. </p><p></p><p>Can one be "too" detached, I wonder? Am I internalizing all of this when I should be venting more? Maybe I'm just trying to figure out how I'm feeling .... waiting for the other shoe to drop, indeed, but ... I can't put it into words. Dread is a good one. Combined with sadness. </p><p></p><p>Just rambling thoughts and hypothetical questions, really. I don't know if any of that even made any sense.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 235993, member: 1157"] Thank you, all. Star, your speech is great, and I've said something like it many times in my head! The good news is, I stopped "rescuing" long ago. I don't invite her to come home when she's being kicked out. That one is easy; the mere thought of her staying with me puts me into a panic ... plus, she has no car and there is no busline by me, she couldn't get to work from there, so it's illogical. I have given her money for rent on rare occasions, mainly when she missed worked due to a true physical illness and fell behind. But, when I see her spending money on going out and drinking, or buying clothes, vs. saving to pay her court fines and reinstate her license and insurance, or paying her rent? No, there is no way I will give her money. I do occasionally buy groceries. I'm not tempted to rescue, should things build to another crisis. Mainly, it's just the overwhelming sadness at her life, and her inability to admit her mental illness, and yes, the embarassment. It's the memories that pop up, the worrying how long she can live this way (literally), the feeling like a bad mom because I don't know how to respond to her when she calls me upset. Sometimes I think I've become so good at the detachment thing with her, that the walls I've built are too high, I find it difficult to comfort her or give her what she needs from me because I don't want to open that door. But her perception of what she needs is so skewed... it's hard to know how to resopnd appropriately. I tell her I love her, I tell her I'm sorry she's going through this, I don't lecture about her choices any more. It falls on deaf ears, and it only makes her feel worse. I do tell her that she needs to get help, and that perhaps she can avoid this happening again if she follows through on mental health help (and then of course I hear all the excuses as to why she "can't"). Then I just let it go. Can one be "too" detached, I wonder? Am I internalizing all of this when I should be venting more? Maybe I'm just trying to figure out how I'm feeling .... waiting for the other shoe to drop, indeed, but ... I can't put it into words. Dread is a good one. Combined with sadness. Just rambling thoughts and hypothetical questions, really. I don't know if any of that even made any sense. [/QUOTE]
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