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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 481535" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>CM, </p><p></p><p>My first reaction to your daughter inviting a friend was "oh the nerve!" and then to tell her "absolutely not!" But that's the control freak part of me that wants what I want when I want it, and has to breath, step back and consider everyones feelings in a situation before I just react. So after thinking for a few minutes about it? My thoughts went to - for your daughter it must be very difficult for her all these years to have had a difficult child brother whose Moms time is taken up with his problems and so she's adapted and kept herself entertained to NOT be an additional source of stress for you. Not that a teenage girl isn't going to have her "moments" but it's my feeling here that she figured that 'once again' it would be YOU and the 'problem child' having that 'special time' so she figured a way to entertain herself and take up HER time. I don't think it had a single thing to do with zoning YOU out or not spending quality time with you. I think it's become habit for her to find things to do while you deal with difficult child. And I'm sure she loves her brother don't get me wrong by the "problem child' comment, I just know that some easy child's get their fill of difficult child's and what they swallow and what they would like to scream out are two very differnt ends of the family rainbow. So to her the thought of that quaility time in the family car with just you and her really never entered her mind. It was just business as usual. You on the other hand saw an opportunity and wanted time alone - you just don't know how lonely she's been while your energies have been put into your son year after year. I don't feel resentment - I just feel - maybe a slight abandonment - I'll get along fine - I'm really on my own kinda feelings...Like she's a little bit more grown up than you realize. It happens to a lot of our easy child's. Trying to have that quality time now? I think is going to have to be more on her time - or agreed to by both of you. Trying to force the issue will surely backfire in a big way. Maybe tell her you'd like to have the friend along this time since she's planned it - and how about NEXT time - it's just you and her for some one on one? See how she feels about you respecting HER choices as an adult. </p><p></p><p>As far as feeling guilt, lonlieness? been there done that and the first time Dude went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I have no great words to describe how I felt. Mostly because I think I sobbed so hard leaving the place I nearly choked, my inner cheek hurt from biting it to keep from him seeing me cry. And when I left it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. They took MY son - in a K-9 unit from the hospital ER in handcuffs at age 5 to the state psychiatric hospital. He was all I had in the world. We'd been homeless, I was jobless...it was awful. I'll never forget the look on his face when they uncuffed him and took him in the hospital. From there he came home shortly and went back to a group home that was so awful it had rats and cockroaches, and then from there home for a while and then 2 hours away to another place that staff was abusive and finally they told me they couldn't do anything with him - fifteen people sat at that table all with degrees and told me he was hopeless at age 9.5. I lost count of the medications at sixty five -----I lost count of the psychiatric hopsitals and the in patient treatments, and the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and group homes - foster care.....I can tell you we've had three holidays together since he was five or six. out of institutions.....the rest of the pictures we have depict block walls with institutional colors. But if there IS a but to it? I would say that at 21? MAYBE......just MAYBE with the therapy and anger classes - He WILL get his life together, not abuse women, or people, or beat and torture animals......set things on fire....or murder anyone and think there is nothing wrong with it - he HAS empathy. He never had it before then. If that's what it took? If those sacrafices are what were needed? I know for a fact I couldn't handle him at home. I slept (what little I did) WIth a glass bottle on my door when he WAS home - so I'd know if he turned my knob to come and kill me. Then I got locks for all the doors - we were that scared of him. He never turned off, never slept, never cared, never had a conscience.....seemingly no care at all for anything - and now? Now he does. He has friends, he loves his dog, he cares for his family, he cares about others, he HELPS people when he can, he's a decent person. He's not making poor choices DAILY.....which there is something to be said because I used to say He isnt' making poor choices by the minute, by the HOUR, by the 1/2 day - and now it's DAILY - so that's something. I belive in him - and think he'll overcome all of the battles he still faces. He even has a nice group of friends....no drugs, and at 21 - very limited drinking. Absolutely no smoking and is trying on his own to get back into school to get a GED. So there is.....hope. </p><p></p><p>As far as the time and space? SLSH nailed it. Couldn't have said that better myself so I won't even try. It felt just like that for me. </p><p></p><p>Find something USEFUL to do with your time. Don't just sit around waiting for something to happen with the difficult child.......make things happen for you - GO back to school Learn something -------better yourself. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 481535, member: 4964"] CM, My first reaction to your daughter inviting a friend was "oh the nerve!" and then to tell her "absolutely not!" But that's the control freak part of me that wants what I want when I want it, and has to breath, step back and consider everyones feelings in a situation before I just react. So after thinking for a few minutes about it? My thoughts went to - for your daughter it must be very difficult for her all these years to have had a difficult child brother whose Moms time is taken up with his problems and so she's adapted and kept herself entertained to NOT be an additional source of stress for you. Not that a teenage girl isn't going to have her "moments" but it's my feeling here that she figured that 'once again' it would be YOU and the 'problem child' having that 'special time' so she figured a way to entertain herself and take up HER time. I don't think it had a single thing to do with zoning YOU out or not spending quality time with you. I think it's become habit for her to find things to do while you deal with difficult child. And I'm sure she loves her brother don't get me wrong by the "problem child' comment, I just know that some easy child's get their fill of difficult child's and what they swallow and what they would like to scream out are two very differnt ends of the family rainbow. So to her the thought of that quaility time in the family car with just you and her really never entered her mind. It was just business as usual. You on the other hand saw an opportunity and wanted time alone - you just don't know how lonely she's been while your energies have been put into your son year after year. I don't feel resentment - I just feel - maybe a slight abandonment - I'll get along fine - I'm really on my own kinda feelings...Like she's a little bit more grown up than you realize. It happens to a lot of our easy child's. Trying to have that quality time now? I think is going to have to be more on her time - or agreed to by both of you. Trying to force the issue will surely backfire in a big way. Maybe tell her you'd like to have the friend along this time since she's planned it - and how about NEXT time - it's just you and her for some one on one? See how she feels about you respecting HER choices as an adult. As far as feeling guilt, lonlieness? been there done that and the first time Dude went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I have no great words to describe how I felt. Mostly because I think I sobbed so hard leaving the place I nearly choked, my inner cheek hurt from biting it to keep from him seeing me cry. And when I left it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. They took MY son - in a K-9 unit from the hospital ER in handcuffs at age 5 to the state psychiatric hospital. He was all I had in the world. We'd been homeless, I was jobless...it was awful. I'll never forget the look on his face when they uncuffed him and took him in the hospital. From there he came home shortly and went back to a group home that was so awful it had rats and cockroaches, and then from there home for a while and then 2 hours away to another place that staff was abusive and finally they told me they couldn't do anything with him - fifteen people sat at that table all with degrees and told me he was hopeless at age 9.5. I lost count of the medications at sixty five -----I lost count of the psychiatric hopsitals and the in patient treatments, and the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and group homes - foster care.....I can tell you we've had three holidays together since he was five or six. out of institutions.....the rest of the pictures we have depict block walls with institutional colors. But if there IS a but to it? I would say that at 21? MAYBE......just MAYBE with the therapy and anger classes - He WILL get his life together, not abuse women, or people, or beat and torture animals......set things on fire....or murder anyone and think there is nothing wrong with it - he HAS empathy. He never had it before then. If that's what it took? If those sacrafices are what were needed? I know for a fact I couldn't handle him at home. I slept (what little I did) WIth a glass bottle on my door when he WAS home - so I'd know if he turned my knob to come and kill me. Then I got locks for all the doors - we were that scared of him. He never turned off, never slept, never cared, never had a conscience.....seemingly no care at all for anything - and now? Now he does. He has friends, he loves his dog, he cares for his family, he cares about others, he HELPS people when he can, he's a decent person. He's not making poor choices DAILY.....which there is something to be said because I used to say He isnt' making poor choices by the minute, by the HOUR, by the 1/2 day - and now it's DAILY - so that's something. I belive in him - and think he'll overcome all of the battles he still faces. He even has a nice group of friends....no drugs, and at 21 - very limited drinking. Absolutely no smoking and is trying on his own to get back into school to get a GED. So there is.....hope. As far as the time and space? SLSH nailed it. Couldn't have said that better myself so I won't even try. It felt just like that for me. Find something USEFUL to do with your time. Don't just sit around waiting for something to happen with the difficult child.......make things happen for you - GO back to school Learn something -------better yourself. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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