just a not so hot day

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Nov 18, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    You know, I just needed to whine/vent a bit.

    I miss difficult child. I don't miss some if his behaviors, but I miss him. I talked to him last night, and it was hard. He was tired and sad......said he misses us. Asked if easy child/difficult child missed him, and she had said the other day that she did actually miss him so I told him yes she did. He did not complain much about the facility, said someone stole some of his magic cards but he got them back. Says he doesn't understand why I moved him here, the kids are all younger (i told him I moved him so he could be with kids closer to his age). what am I supposed to tell him, well honey since you act like you are 11 you get to be with 11 yr olds.

    And then I feel guilty. Out is nice to have him gone, out is so quiet and peaceful. So nice to not have the arguing and yelling and constant.

    We will go up for family therapy tuesday. Since easy child/difficult child is out of school she will come with me. She invited a friend! Now I really like this friend, but I did not ok this and quite frankly? It seems weird to have her come. I know ask wants to so they can go to the mall and a bookstore (this city had way better shopping than ours.. It is way bigger). But I just don't want to take her.

    Today? I just have not felt right all day, just off and spacey and sad.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Of course you miss him. It is such a mixed bag. It is really a not normal thing for us to have our chicks away from the nest that long and it feels terrible. Even thought I knew Q was safe, I missed him terribly. He was put on the "little kid side" and always wanted to go to the kids his age too. It is hard to tell them anything, I just let it go, the hospital said they just didn't have enough beds... OH well.
    I still kind of feel after a month of this that the days and nights run together and it is kind of a spacey feeling. I do get that. You are looking at a longer journey so I am hoping for you that a new sense of normal will start to sink in for the time you are parenting from a ways away. It is sweet that he talks to you on the phone.

    I understand the girls wanting a day out but wont there be enough time that you can do it another week? This first time if you are doing family therapy, you might be so emotional that having to care for another child may be too much. You can think about it, you have a few days. If you decide it is a good idea that is ok too. just follow what you really want, you deserve less stress during the visit. Really thinking of you. Hugs every day...hope you can feel them!
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh hun. You are gonna miss him like crazy. That is absolutely perfectly normal. You didnt send him away because you didnt like him. You had him placed somewhere because he was sick just like you would have him hospitalized if he had cancer. No big difference. I missed Cory all the time. I still miss my kids and they are grown.

    You say you get to see him on Tuesday for family therapy. That right before thanksgiving. Call the hospital and find out if you can send a care package for the kids he is with. Maybe get some stuff related to Turkey day at the dollar store. Coloring books, cookies, just something for them. I did that quite a bit when Cory was in placement. I always did Halloween bags, stockings, Easter eggs, etc. Just made me feel closer and a way I could show I still cared.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Many many gentle hugs to you.

    I think the best explanation for the move is the truth - his treatment team, of which you are a part of, wanted him to be in the absolute best setting so he can gain the skills he needs so that he can return home successfully. I think it's important to keep the focus on treatment, on what *he* needs to be working on, and that staff are there to support and help him. I always felt that it was important that thank you understood that he was in charge of his living situation. His ability to use therapeutic tools, learn self-control, follow rules, behave appropriately - those were the things that dictated which setting he lived in. None of it was punishment - it was matching his level of behavior with- the level of supports available.

    I understand the guilt. I think it's normal. When thank you left for his first Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I felt just horrible anytime the family went to see a movie or did anything that was fun... how could we be having fun and laughing and smiling when one of us wasn't there?

    The reality was that we had spent literally years in crisis mode. Restraints and police/EMTs and hospitals and IEP mtgs and psychiatrist/therapist appts, walking on eggshells waiting for his next rage, or dealing with the current rage. My other kids rarely got to do anything fun (museum or movie or whatever) because our entire life revolved around thank you's ever-changing and usually volatile moods. husband and I were constantly tag-team parenting - whoever was least burnt out was it. It was a really hard way to live, but we didn't even realize it until thank you was in Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

    It felt absolutely surreal to *not* have the daily drama anymore. A peaceful home? No yelling, no brandished weapons, no flying objects? Being able to go out in public without have a kid that turned into a screaming banshee? I missed thank you like crazy, but after about 6 months, I really cherished and enjoyed our new calmer lives. And I quit feeling so guilty about feeling content while one of my kids wasn't home.

    It will take you awhile to find your equilibrium now. It will come. You need to be sure to take care of you right now. It's incredibly stressful to have a kid out of the home, but you *are* allowed to take care of yourself. And you may need to be strong in the coming months - it's not uncommon for kids to quickly switch into bargaining mode - "Mom, I'll do XYZ, just let me come home." It will tear your heart out, because I know you want him home. But remember why he's there, remember what the goal is - a kiddo who can function in a community, safely and appropriately.

    Again, many many hugs to you.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Slsh, you summed it up. No more fighting, arguing just peace. It has been so long since we have had that. I don't have to hurry home when easy child/difficult child and I are out doing things. That is what really struck me. Usually we hurry home, because I am always a little uneasy leaving difficult child home a lone. Yesterday we went and got easy child/difficult child her driving permit, went and got her friend a present for her birthday, and then went to walmart. Usually? I would have been rushing her to hurry. And the thing about walking on eggshells? I did not realize how much I was doing that.

    As for the part of taking care of me? I don't know if I know how. I just kinda sat around the house last night, not really knowing what to do. It was so eery and quiet. I like it, but then feel bad for liking it.

    Janet, I really do want to bring difficult child stuff when I see him and send him stuff, but I am worried he will come to expect it. I did that the first time I visited him, and he knew I was bringing stuff and all he wanted was his stuff. I decided then, and with the support of several professionals, to only bring "myself".
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I didnt bring Cory stuff every time we visited, I just did it for the holiday stuff. Or when he needed new sneakers or something. Once in a blue moon if he had done something really special at placement and we had a heads up I would show up with a new deck of cards or something. The only thing that I did bring pretty regular was books. The place he was at didnt have a big library and Cory was reading a lot so I wanted to foster that so I kept him supplied with books.
  7. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    That makes sense janet. I misunderstood.

    I do have some books that I ordered off amazon, but this is going to be a right year and difficult children birthday is in december, and I still gave to do a little christmas. I am saving the books in case I have to use them as presents.
  8. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    You will just have to be present enough.

    As for your daughter's friend, I know how hard it is to get to the big city so I can understand. How has it been between the two of you? Do you feel like you have had quality time? Or were you really looking forward to being with her? How much emotional energy would it take to go to the bookstore and mall?

    It is totally normal to feel burned out right now. Look at all you have been coping with. Your whole world has been turned upside down with ex and difficult child. I'd saw you deserve at least a month of vegging out on the couch! It is really ok not to miss the drama!

    Of course you miss him. But peace will come I think. You will still miss him.

    Hugs, hope the drives are ok.
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Pepper, I think the bookstore and the mall would be ok with just her, but I don't think I would have the emotional energy for the 2 of them. We have had some good time together, but it had been in spurts. I was looking forward ti going with just her. She says she us not going now that I said friend can't, but that just could have been her spur of the moment reaction. If she goes, great and if she does not? Them that is ok too.
  10. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    I guess just being honest with your daughter and how hard this is on you. Point out the good times that you have been able to have with her since he left--so she does not think that the world continues to revolve around him--just that you need some time to recharge your batteries too and maybe need some space or whatever from her friend.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hugs cm, all you can do is what you're capable of right now. I'm keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. I think it's ok if easy child doesn't join you, honestly, she is processing all of this too. I'm hopeful that with time everything will settle down and things will fall into place. In the meantime, remember we are all thinking of you and are there with you in spirit.
  12. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I did explain to easy child how hard it was to visit with difficult child, and that I just did not want someone who was not family around for it. I will point out what we have done, and even the little things, like going to 3 stores and me not worrying about getting home to difficult child. going is completely up to her, but in all honesty? I bet she will go. She will not want to miss out on anything.

    S2BX will be going up for Thanksgiving. it will be an interesting one here, with both he and difficult child gone. I have no problem with him going on Thanksgiving, as long as he MAKES it there. He has a ride, supposedly.

    Here we are doing cornish game hens. Thought that would be fun and a little different than turkey. easy child likes to cook, and loves to stuff the turkey, now she gets to stuff mini turkeys.

    difficult child sounds so down, tired depressed? I am not sure. He is down to 7.5mg of abilify and up to 200mg of Seroquel. He was a little irritable when I talked to him tonight, I don't know if the transition to Seroquel will be the right one, but we will see. He says he is going to group and working on things. Says he is journalling a lot and likes that.

    I have been almost bored today. easy child is at a friends and most likely staying the night. I read a lot, went shopping, and made my mom a photo book for her birthday online. Listening to music (MY music). It is just so quiet and calm with only me here, it is eery.
  13. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Try to find a way to embrace the peace and quiet-I know it's unusual and eery, you're not used to it. Maybe give yourself a beauty treatment, bake something or get all snuggy and watch a favorite movie. Our house is quiet this evening, so I'm canning cranberry chutney and applesauce. H is snoring on the couch, easy child is out on a date. I want to sneak out for a cigarillo, but I'm trying not to.

    I hope that easy child goes because she genuinely wants to. Minus the friend, I think that inappropriate and she's old enough to know that. Stbx...interesting about going up for thanksgiving. I hope that visit doesn't cause an upset. Do you think it will? Hugs, peace, and calm.
  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think that the visit may cause an upset, but no more than when difficult child goes to his place when difficult child is here. I am actually more comfortable with it being there, as it is closely supervised. I just worry that he will not make it at the last minute, but if that happens?? Then it is HIS fault. I stayed home so he could go, as I know difficult child wants to see him. All I can do is sympathize. And most likely? If he does not make it difficult child will not be as upset as if it was me saying I was coming and then not showing. He is used to that from his dad.

    I think if easy child goes, it will be because she wants to. And she likes road trips. We will see.

    I just cracked a beer, am making salmon, green beans and mushrooms, and garlic cheese bread for dinner. I am making extra salmon, and tomorrow I will make salmon patties. I also want to make some beans just to have for whatever. I have tons of dried beans, and it is sillly to buy the canned ones when I can just cook up the dry ones in the crock pot. Tomorrow is chicken mushroom alfredo (easy child's fav) for dinner, I was going to make extra chicken breast for stuff too. I might just bake something. Not sure what, maybe pumpkin bars? I have lots of canned pumpkin.
  15. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I wish I could cook
  16. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    My first reaction to your daughter inviting a friend was "oh the nerve!" and then to tell her "absolutely not!" But that's the control freak part of me that wants what I want when I want it, and has to breath, step back and consider everyones feelings in a situation before I just react. So after thinking for a few minutes about it? My thoughts went to - for your daughter it must be very difficult for her all these years to have had a difficult child brother whose Moms time is taken up with his problems and so she's adapted and kept herself entertained to NOT be an additional source of stress for you. Not that a teenage girl isn't going to have her "moments" but it's my feeling here that she figured that 'once again' it would be YOU and the 'problem child' having that 'special time' so she figured a way to entertain herself and take up HER time. I don't think it had a single thing to do with zoning YOU out or not spending quality time with you. I think it's become habit for her to find things to do while you deal with difficult child. And I'm sure she loves her brother don't get me wrong by the "problem child' comment, I just know that some easy child's get their fill of difficult child's and what they swallow and what they would like to scream out are two very differnt ends of the family rainbow. So to her the thought of that quaility time in the family car with just you and her really never entered her mind. It was just business as usual. You on the other hand saw an opportunity and wanted time alone - you just don't know how lonely she's been while your energies have been put into your son year after year. I don't feel resentment - I just feel - maybe a slight abandonment - I'll get along fine - I'm really on my own kinda feelings...Like she's a little bit more grown up than you realize. It happens to a lot of our easy child's. Trying to have that quality time now? I think is going to have to be more on her time - or agreed to by both of you. Trying to force the issue will surely backfire in a big way. Maybe tell her you'd like to have the friend along this time since she's planned it - and how about NEXT time - it's just you and her for some one on one? See how she feels about you respecting HER choices as an adult.

    As far as feeling guilt, lonlieness? been there done that and the first time Dude went into Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I have no great words to describe how I felt. Mostly because I think I sobbed so hard leaving the place I nearly choked, my inner cheek hurt from biting it to keep from him seeing me cry. And when I left it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. They took MY son - in a K-9 unit from the hospital ER in handcuffs at age 5 to the state psychiatric hospital. He was all I had in the world. We'd been homeless, I was jobless...it was awful. I'll never forget the look on his face when they uncuffed him and took him in the hospital. From there he came home shortly and went back to a group home that was so awful it had rats and cockroaches, and then from there home for a while and then 2 hours away to another place that staff was abusive and finally they told me they couldn't do anything with him - fifteen people sat at that table all with degrees and told me he was hopeless at age 9.5. I lost count of the medications at sixty five -----I lost count of the psychiatric hopsitals and the in patient treatments, and the Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s and group homes - foster care.....I can tell you we've had three holidays together since he was five or six. out of institutions.....the rest of the pictures we have depict block walls with institutional colors. But if there IS a but to it? I would say that at 21? MAYBE......just MAYBE with the therapy and anger classes - He WILL get his life together, not abuse women, or people, or beat and torture animals......set things on fire....or murder anyone and think there is nothing wrong with it - he HAS empathy. He never had it before then. If that's what it took? If those sacrafices are what were needed? I know for a fact I couldn't handle him at home. I slept (what little I did) WIth a glass bottle on my door when he WAS home - so I'd know if he turned my knob to come and kill me. Then I got locks for all the doors - we were that scared of him. He never turned off, never slept, never cared, never had a conscience.....seemingly no care at all for anything - and now? Now he does. He has friends, he loves his dog, he cares for his family, he cares about others, he HELPS people when he can, he's a decent person. He's not making poor choices DAILY.....which there is something to be said because I used to say He isnt' making poor choices by the minute, by the HOUR, by the 1/2 day - and now it's DAILY - so that's something. I belive in him - and think he'll overcome all of the battles he still faces. He even has a nice group of friends....no drugs, and at 21 - very limited drinking. Absolutely no smoking and is trying on his own to get back into school to get a GED. So there is.....hope.

    As far as the time and space? SLSH nailed it. Couldn't have said that better myself so I won't even try. It felt just like that for me.

    Find something USEFUL to do with your time. Don't just sit around waiting for something to happen with the difficult child.......make things happen for you - GO back to school Learn something -------better yourself.

    Hugs & Love
  17. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Star, you are right and I am aware of some of it. I know she is more mature than her age, not many kids go into their therapists and revise a restraining order towards their dad to BETTER set boundaries. In many ways? She is more like an adult than a teen, sadly.

    I had not looked at it as she is so used to keeping herself occupied. I just had an honest conversation with her, and told her that visiting difficult child is hard for me too, and I was not up to having her friend come along, but that maybe we could do that another time. She (in a very un teen like way) was not upset, did say she was not going (did not yell or throw a fit, just said it). Her friend asked me today when I picked up easy child from her house if she could go, and I said not this time. Friend just teased easy child about it, and it was just teasing. I really do like this friend and hope to take them both at one point so they can go to the mall.

    I cannot even imagine how it is to be easy child. she has not been able to have friends come over often, we have to change plans, and life is a battle ground of meltdowns due to difficult child. It has to be horrible. It has been so quiet. It is amazing.

    Star honey, I have been back to school. It was great, I don't regret it but cannot do it again. I took all the pre reqs for the RN program here,and could not get in. I do love to learn.

    I have been reading, something I have not been able to do in years. I am trying to not focus on what is going on with difficult child, but it is hard. I watched a movie today, and cleaned up my room a bit, getting rid of more of s2bx's stuff. I am just doing more little things. I made my mom a photo book online with photos from all our coast trips, she always said she wanted one but I never had time to do that.

    easy child is now (for this moment anyways) coming with me on Tuesday. I had given her $20 to go to the movies for her friends birthday. She gave it back to me as the friend's mom insisted on paying for everyone, and she knows how tight money is. She then later tried to give me $2 she had for the same reason. I told her to keep it to buy coffee or something for herself on Tuesday. She loves McDonald's breakfast, so that is what she is doing she says. She is sooooo much more grown up than 15, and I am so used to it I forget sometimes.

    As for how your son is doing now and what he has been through? Thank you for sharing that Star, that does help. The guilt gets better when I sit and remember why we are doing this, and how if effected easy child. How her depression had gotten worse, the cutting, all that is aggravated in part by stress due to difficult child.
  18. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I have been through this as well. I know the thoughts and feelings. It sounds like you are doing good things for you which you deserve. I love how aware of your easy child and her needs you are. Use this time to heal together. After the shock it does get a little easier. You'll need your strength. Hugs
  19. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    It is getting easier, for some reason it was just hitting me really hard yesterday. Today is better. difficult child called just to talk to easy child, and she talked to him.....I know he has been worried as he had not talked to her yet and he has been asking if she misses him.

    Thank you all for the support. I really appreciate it, it does help to hear from those who have been there done that.
  20. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh cm - the worst days of my life were when difficult child was in a hospital of Residential Treatment Center (RTC). The absence was so profound, regardless of whether that absence was good or positive, the vacancy was huge. I coped, as we all do - but it was weird. I didn't have another child, nor an X that cared to visit difficult child - but I still am not sure it would matter. The hole in my life was huge.

    All I can say is focus on the future. Focus on hope, love, faith (and no I am not religious - it is just the only 3 mantras that got me through this).