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just asked difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 391879" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think you made a good call asking her to give you space. Frankly, you've been in each other's hip pockets so much lately that her success/your success are too intertwined. Is she eating for you or for her? Can either of you separate yourselves each from the other? Even before she became so ill I remember you saying that every night you lie there with her, holding her as she goes to sleep. It's lovely, but not every night, and not at 11 years old every night. it puts too big an emotional burden on her, to feel like she is your lifeline and sanctuary and yet to also feel she needs you to do this every night.</p><p></p><p>I think giving yourselves, both of you, time apart and somewhere to go to be alone is very healthy, especially now she is on the brink of teenhood. But if it is too much too suddenly, a good starting point would be, "This is my room and my TV. You can stay, but we watch what I want to watch." And make sure you put on something you really do want to see but which isn't also her favourite. For example, it could be something you think she SHOULD see, but is likely to be resistant to. For example, I might put on a documentary or movie I know difficult child 3 hasn't seen but needs to for school, and which I also want to watch. It's still part of growing up, to learn to adapt to other people's needs.</p><p></p><p>You have been doing so much for her, neglecting yourself, and she needs to learn (maybe slowly) that your needs must also be met, and she can support this. You can also encourage her to make time for herself, doing what she wants to do. Is there a hobby she likes, that is not also your hobby? Get her to do some of it. Help her if she asks for it, but make sure it is her work and not yours. She can do it in the same room as you if she chooses to, but there needs to be something for each of you, something individual.</p><p></p><p>You don't have to feel like you're pushing her away though. If it feels too much too suddenly, go back a little and do it gently, not so drastically.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 391879, member: 1991"] I think you made a good call asking her to give you space. Frankly, you've been in each other's hip pockets so much lately that her success/your success are too intertwined. Is she eating for you or for her? Can either of you separate yourselves each from the other? Even before she became so ill I remember you saying that every night you lie there with her, holding her as she goes to sleep. It's lovely, but not every night, and not at 11 years old every night. it puts too big an emotional burden on her, to feel like she is your lifeline and sanctuary and yet to also feel she needs you to do this every night. I think giving yourselves, both of you, time apart and somewhere to go to be alone is very healthy, especially now she is on the brink of teenhood. But if it is too much too suddenly, a good starting point would be, "This is my room and my TV. You can stay, but we watch what I want to watch." And make sure you put on something you really do want to see but which isn't also her favourite. For example, it could be something you think she SHOULD see, but is likely to be resistant to. For example, I might put on a documentary or movie I know difficult child 3 hasn't seen but needs to for school, and which I also want to watch. It's still part of growing up, to learn to adapt to other people's needs. You have been doing so much for her, neglecting yourself, and she needs to learn (maybe slowly) that your needs must also be met, and she can support this. You can also encourage her to make time for herself, doing what she wants to do. Is there a hobby she likes, that is not also your hobby? Get her to do some of it. Help her if she asks for it, but make sure it is her work and not yours. She can do it in the same room as you if she chooses to, but there needs to be something for each of you, something individual. You don't have to feel like you're pushing her away though. If it feels too much too suddenly, go back a little and do it gently, not so drastically. Marg [/QUOTE]
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