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Just stunned by my husband.
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 134342" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>Susie, </p><p></p><p>Huge Hugs - and you know - For me I get angry too with DF because I can't seem to make him see what I see. I swear even some times when we watch a show or a movie and we're telling someone else about it - I think - WTH was he watching? We both sat there and watched the same thing and saw the same thing and when it came out of my mouth it was - The sun was so bright, everyone was smiling, and the parade was beautiful and when he tells the story - it's "I'm hot, I hate people, and I guess it was a parade." and I think - WHAT?? It was NOTHING like that - whiner. </p><p></p><p>We too went to couples therapy. BEST DANG thing we ever did - Like Timer and her hubby - we sat in a room and had a set of "rules" - no ugly words etc. And then we let it out in front of a non-partisan counselor who served as a referee. It was amazing to hear what he had bottled up inside and just when I thought "OH GOSH HOW STUPID" the counselor would turn and ask me what I felt about it, and warn me not to use the Ugly words like "STUPID is what I think." I had to search for alternative ways of expressing my disbelief. (I'm a wordsmith (lol) so after going down a list of adjectives as long as my arm while having a no no head shake each time) I landed upon - Mystified. Because really I was mystified at HOW he arrived at THAT line of thinking. </p><p></p><p>Now we have learned to agree to disagree. And talk out what we are feeling because we learned HOW to discuss difficult child without trigger words that spark a fire and start an argument. </p><p></p><p>I think somewhere there is a course called Learning to fight fair - but without an impartial judge trained to stop the triggers - and teach you how to communicate fairly - you end up sullen, withdrawn, angry, fuming - and women same as men stew - just differently. We think about things all day over and over. It's how we process. Men think about it -and back burner it, but still think about it if their triggers are activated. </p><p></p><p>I think from the outside if I had to guess - you are upset because it appears DF has not validated your pain. What you did was NOT easy. It was not pleasant and it was the only choice YOU felt you had. Given the same situation DF would have his own ideas, and thought processes about how to handle it and my feel that he's been included in every other decision regarding his son, but got shut out on this one. You put your son out - and that was IT - for you. I don't think he's bothered by the fact that your son is doing well or with your parents - I think it's still in his head that he had no say so in what went on. (MAYBE) I dunno - I'm only able to compare what we went through here to what you're going through. Most of DF's complaints regarding me were once I made a decision - STEEL DOOR SHUT. And he's right- I am that way. Or rather I was that way. Now I am able to have a partner that cares about what goes on and helps me make decisions and we're both able to see each other's view points without fear of fighting. Another thing I had no clue about was that DF had enormous guilt over thinking he had not done such a good job as a step-father (really DAD) and failed difficult child. They finally had that talk a week or so ago. </p><p></p><p>It's a lot nicer way to live - and of course he always has to option to say :It is up to you - I'll back your decision, and vise-versa. </p><p></p><p>Hope something in here helps you - </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 134342, member: 4964"] Susie, Huge Hugs - and you know - For me I get angry too with DF because I can't seem to make him see what I see. I swear even some times when we watch a show or a movie and we're telling someone else about it - I think - WTH was he watching? We both sat there and watched the same thing and saw the same thing and when it came out of my mouth it was - The sun was so bright, everyone was smiling, and the parade was beautiful and when he tells the story - it's "I'm hot, I hate people, and I guess it was a parade." and I think - WHAT?? It was NOTHING like that - whiner. We too went to couples therapy. BEST DANG thing we ever did - Like Timer and her hubby - we sat in a room and had a set of "rules" - no ugly words etc. And then we let it out in front of a non-partisan counselor who served as a referee. It was amazing to hear what he had bottled up inside and just when I thought "OH GOSH HOW STUPID" the counselor would turn and ask me what I felt about it, and warn me not to use the Ugly words like "STUPID is what I think." I had to search for alternative ways of expressing my disbelief. (I'm a wordsmith (lol) so after going down a list of adjectives as long as my arm while having a no no head shake each time) I landed upon - Mystified. Because really I was mystified at HOW he arrived at THAT line of thinking. Now we have learned to agree to disagree. And talk out what we are feeling because we learned HOW to discuss difficult child without trigger words that spark a fire and start an argument. I think somewhere there is a course called Learning to fight fair - but without an impartial judge trained to stop the triggers - and teach you how to communicate fairly - you end up sullen, withdrawn, angry, fuming - and women same as men stew - just differently. We think about things all day over and over. It's how we process. Men think about it -and back burner it, but still think about it if their triggers are activated. I think from the outside if I had to guess - you are upset because it appears DF has not validated your pain. What you did was NOT easy. It was not pleasant and it was the only choice YOU felt you had. Given the same situation DF would have his own ideas, and thought processes about how to handle it and my feel that he's been included in every other decision regarding his son, but got shut out on this one. You put your son out - and that was IT - for you. I don't think he's bothered by the fact that your son is doing well or with your parents - I think it's still in his head that he had no say so in what went on. (MAYBE) I dunno - I'm only able to compare what we went through here to what you're going through. Most of DF's complaints regarding me were once I made a decision - STEEL DOOR SHUT. And he's right- I am that way. Or rather I was that way. Now I am able to have a partner that cares about what goes on and helps me make decisions and we're both able to see each other's view points without fear of fighting. Another thing I had no clue about was that DF had enormous guilt over thinking he had not done such a good job as a step-father (really DAD) and failed difficult child. They finally had that talk a week or so ago. It's a lot nicer way to live - and of course he always has to option to say :It is up to you - I'll back your decision, and vise-versa. Hope something in here helps you - Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
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