SLSH,
I sat last night and thought about you and your detachment from thank you's BEHAVIORS. I constantly have to remind myself that I am NOT leaving my son, he has choices in his behavior; but so do I.
As a parent and a friend I have always thought you were amongst the strongest and bravest Moms. Over the years I would sit her in my own hell and think - it could be worse. I don't envy anyone their situation. My cross is small in comparison to many. Mostly I am able to say that because I believe in my heart that despite ALL the horrific and tragic things that happened to myself and difficult child - I'm no longer 'there' anymore.
It took a tremendous amount of work to get there. This you know. (nod head yes in agreement) It takes an inordinate amount of minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day strength, tenacity, courage, will and heart to Mother a child like ours. They make nothing easy. I used to wonder 'why me' and now I sit back and I think "he picked me". Out of all the moms in the world - to parent this misguided, tweaked, antagonistic child - I was chosen to be his Mom.
And I got RIPPED OFF. GOD ripped me off and I am still angry about it. I tell him I'm angry about how he ripped me off with not being able to have a normal childhood, and missing SO SO SO much of my sons life by having him life under other peoples ideas and rules, and morals. Missing out on the stuff from school, never ever seeing my son in a sports outfit, having 3 out of 12 grade and high school pictures to display (one of which is Kindergarten)missed birthdays, holidays - learning how to put on a freakin happy face in February and hand out Christmas presents and play Christmas music when it's 75 degrees outside because MY kid was in a hospital. Not being able to be there to protect him from all the bad things like what his father did to him and his grandmother. And yes, I am angry - still. But I'm working on it. minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
So it's really REALLY normal even at this late in the game to have your "mom" senses kick in and say "I'm HERE - I'll pick you up, I'll dust you off, I'll have you come home, I'll cook you a meal and we'll just wipe the slate clean for the 1,000,000 th time. Because THAT is what we (WE meaning parents) REALLY REALLY want. We just want them to grow up, be productive, happy, healthy kids and enjoy a life of their own.
So when I took all the stuff out of Dudes closet (i cried), When I shoved it into a hefty bag it made me weak - the visions that came into my head of street person, vagabond - him eating out of dumpsters - and it hurt. When I got to the group home I handed him his Hefty sacks of shoes and clothes and then his suit on a hanger and he said "I won't need that here, put itin my closet" and I bit my inside lip, mustered up just enough will and said with my arm outstretched "You don't have a closet at my house any longer - you do what you want with it." and the look ----the look on his face. OH I needed to go somewhere to cry but I didn't. I held it together and kept this thought in mind -
Even birds throw their young out of the nest when it's time to go and they have little skills or feathers - and in a harsh world had I not done and continue to do what I am doing - he won't make it. HE's looking to me to see if I'm a trampoline (not to be confused with tramp) that he can bounce back on, then go, and back and go - and this time - I removed the proverbial trampoline and there was nothing but himself to depend on, bounce back to. I removed myself from the situation. HIS situation.
I've tried, I have been told I have tried harder than any Mother that most people have ever met. Small consequence for all my heart ache. But most of my heartache was largely my own fault for setting myself up. I haven't thrown my son out - I gave him one last chance to get himself together and grow up. I'm not throwing him out - I simply choose NOT to engage further in his behaviors or reward him in anyway for wrong doing.
Two things will happen here - either he will get himself together, be happy about the fact that he did it alone "without" my help OR he will continue to do the same things and behaviors he always has and ruin his life without me there to watch. I can't. I've reached my limit. The stroke told me so. And if he does pull himself together? Praise God. If he doesn't I've taken THIS TIME to work on myself, learn how to detach from his behaviors so they don't ruin my health further and I have a jump, so to speak on my life without stress. It does not mean I can't think fondly of him and the good times - I'm just not going to put myself in the equation of his life that says (And this part) pointing to me.....I shall run into the ground because it will ALWAYS ALWAYS be there irregardless of what I do or say.
Not any more - my detaching has been one of the best things that has ever happened to make him grow up. When he was 10 - he didn't call from an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for 6 months - But I kept calling the counselor and they told him I did. Had I known then what I know now? I would have started living my life 7 years ago. So in a last ditch effort - I'm here to talk if he is nice on the phone and that is all. NO packages, no clothes, no money - nothing. He is on his own. And so am I.
I hope this helps you understand where my firm but loving words come from. I wouldn't post it if I hadn't / weren't living it. And I think yes - what you did counts as detachment.
Many Hugs
Star