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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 145324" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">People's expectations of one another change over time. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Perhaps he was not romantic when you were first together but over time you've learned that you would like him to be more romantic. Is he willing to step up to the plate on this?</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Perhaps, before the major demands of raising a family and difficult children, you didn't mind being the main housekeeper or picking up after him, but now you've allowed yourself to become stretched too thin and you'd appreciate a little help. Is H (and the kiddos) willing to cooperate if you set down some ground rules in regards to where they can eat and cleaning up after themselves? Will they follow a schedule? Would this be enough?</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Those two pet peeves aside...the bottom line is that it's okay to change what you want out of a relationship and it's okay to set down boundaries that are healthy for YOUR peace and happiness. If you cannot tolerate your H looking at porn or engaging in activities that are 'less than' according to you, then you have every right to ask that he stop. He may see how it hurts you or bothers you and then stops. But likely, he will not. He will probably just hide it better. That may sound jaded but I'm saying that based on what you've posted. You said he refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to see his porn use as being an issue, he berates you and degrades you, does not meet your emotional, intellectual, or physical needs, and he's self centered. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Here is the thing. It's prudent for you to plan things out for yourself. Seek counseling, squirrel some money away and keep that in the back of your mind. In the meantime, create a journal for you to write down your feelings on a daily basis about where your marriage stands. At least once a week ask H if he plans on going to see a counselor so you know where he stands, mark his comments in your journal. Create a budget based on what you think you and the kiddos would need to live on and plan for that. If, in the meantime, your H begins counseling, great, but don't throw out your plan or spend your saved money. Often, their attempt at counseling is short lived and once they know they have you back, they stop going and you're back to square one. </span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">Above all, listen to your gut, trust your instincts and if you feel you're being emotionally abused then you probably are and you have to prepare for a change because something's gotta give. Take care of yourself, be careful with your spending and always avoid fighting in front of the children, get a routine down and stick with it, etc. IOW, try to maintain some level of normalcy under not so normal conditions. Do it for you and your children and when you're ready to leave you will KNOW.</span></span></p><p></p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: indigo">I hate when people say, "well, I really don't see what the big deal is" because we all have our own levels of tolerance for just about anything and we all know what we can and can't live with. You know yours. Trust yourself and don't give up a peice of yourself because someone else tells you you're making too much out of things. </span></span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 145324, member: 2211"] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]People's expectations of one another change over time. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Perhaps he was not romantic when you were first together but over time you've learned that you would like him to be more romantic. Is he willing to step up to the plate on this?[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Perhaps, before the major demands of raising a family and difficult children, you didn't mind being the main housekeeper or picking up after him, but now you've allowed yourself to become stretched too thin and you'd appreciate a little help. Is H (and the kiddos) willing to cooperate if you set down some ground rules in regards to where they can eat and cleaning up after themselves? Will they follow a schedule? Would this be enough?[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Those two pet peeves aside...the bottom line is that it's okay to change what you want out of a relationship and it's okay to set down boundaries that are healthy for YOUR peace and happiness. If you cannot tolerate your H looking at porn or engaging in activities that are 'less than' according to you, then you have every right to ask that he stop. He may see how it hurts you or bothers you and then stops. But likely, he will not. He will probably just hide it better. That may sound jaded but I'm saying that based on what you've posted. You said he refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to see his porn use as being an issue, he berates you and degrades you, does not meet your emotional, intellectual, or physical needs, and he's self centered. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Here is the thing. It's prudent for you to plan things out for yourself. Seek counseling, squirrel some money away and keep that in the back of your mind. In the meantime, create a journal for you to write down your feelings on a daily basis about where your marriage stands. At least once a week ask H if he plans on going to see a counselor so you know where he stands, mark his comments in your journal. Create a budget based on what you think you and the kiddos would need to live on and plan for that. If, in the meantime, your H begins counseling, great, but don't throw out your plan or spend your saved money. Often, their attempt at counseling is short lived and once they know they have you back, they stop going and you're back to square one. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]Above all, listen to your gut, trust your instincts and if you feel you're being emotionally abused then you probably are and you have to prepare for a change because something's gotta give. Take care of yourself, be careful with your spending and always avoid fighting in front of the children, get a routine down and stick with it, etc. IOW, try to maintain some level of normalcy under not so normal conditions. Do it for you and your children and when you're ready to leave you will KNOW.[/COLOR][/SIZE] [SIZE=3][COLOR=indigo]I hate when people say, "well, I really don't see what the big deal is" because we all have our own levels of tolerance for just about anything and we all know what we can and can't live with. You know yours. Trust yourself and don't give up a peice of yourself because someone else tells you you're making too much out of things. [/COLOR][/SIZE] [/QUOTE]
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