Laundry

[AmericanGirl]

difficult child came over yesterday for a short while. I'm grateful it was uneventful. I had texted him beforehand that I was on my way to pick him up. Just mentioned he was welcome to bring dirty laundry. He has NEVER done that before, instead opting to wear dirty clothes (part of the mental issues.) So, I was surprised to see him with a large tote full of dirty clothes.

I just started doing them. Strange feeling....broke down in tears. Wanted to hug the clothes. I just miss the person he used to be so very much. I cannot even have a normal empty nest/child moving into the dorm experience. I feel so personally cheated. I know that is selfish even everything else that is going on with my difficult child and everyone else's.

AS for him, he is extremely bright. The psychiatrist last week talked about that. He has a 4.0 GPA. Could do anything he wanted. IF he can only stop drinking and get his mind straight. Which I know I can do absolutely nothing about except for changing my behavior.

Just wanted to share.

 

[Signorina]

Hey honey - I know how you feel. One of the reasons I stripped difficult child's room bare is because I dodn't want to find myself in therr reminiscing over his things or hugging his pillows. Just too painful. I hear ya {hugs}

 

[wastedpotential]

What is it about laundry? I love doing difficult child's laundry. It makes me feel like it's the one last thing I can do to keep him safe and warm and well cared for, even if he won't care for himself. It gives me the reminiscent feeling, as well. I could cry when I do it. I sniff his clothes after they're nice and clean and I take great care in folding them, even though he couldn't care less. Doing his laundry makes me miss the simpler times when we could take care of them so easily.

 

[Signorina]

You guys are killing me. I did all of difficult child's laundry during the month he was home. Made sure to fold it and use plenty of fabric softener so it would smell like "home". Not only because of the reminiscent feeling in me - but also because I was trying to trigger some happy reminiscence in him. Ridiculous. I had this crazy idea in the back of my head that if we could just let "home" wash over him - clean, sweet smelling sheets & laundry, home cooked meals, fireplace fires, baking cookies -- it would make him remember that he LIKED it here. Like GEE - my mom isn't a horrible monster after all. I think I posted earlier that I spent the morning sewing up the holes in his freshly washed gloves - racing to get them done before he left. And I am NO Mrs. Ingalls.

And I think it made his abrupt, hateful departure hurt even moreso.

But maybe it also drove home the fact that he isn't "that boy" anymore. He is a stranger.

 

[DDD]

In all my years on the Board I don't recall one person mentioning laundry and the emotional attachment we Moms have with difficult child clothes. Your post didn't make me cry...thank heavens I have detached in some areas, lol BUT laundry has made me cry in the past. Cripes I even have pulled out a needle and thread to repair some favorite of difficult child's and I don't even sew. It is an emotional trigger and I complete understand.
Hugs DDD

 

[AmericanGirl]

I didn't sprinkle baby powder on it...but I wanted to.

I thought about something I learned at Al-anon...if I try to make him feel guilty about drinking then he will respond with anger. AND...he won't feel guilty on his own. I sort of 'cheat' him out of those feelings since he really really needs. So, I try to be sweet and kind...while maintaining boundaries.

In that vein, I went to WalMart tonight and picked up a couple of treats - gummis, etc. small things he loves. I am tucking them in the laundry. It isn't enough that he can trade for beer but is enough to show love and compassion....and maybe, hopefully, give him a wee bit of guilt for his choices.

Manipulative? Yes. But not harmful in small doses and at least I get to feel like I am taking care of him in a small way.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Hey Sig...my Dad died three years ago from Alzheimer's. I struggled with where his soul was beforehand as it sure didn't seem like it was in his body. Dr. Phil had a show about a kid on drugs. He said, "You aren't talking to your son, you are talking to the drugs." That helped me with Daddy...talking to Alzheimer's not my precious father.

I'm using that now with difficult child. I'm talking to the bottle.

Don't know if that can possibly help at it. Just wanted to share.

 

[Signorina]

AG-It helps. it does. Because I know it's true -- and it's a good reminder. I am still gobsmacked by how unreal this all seems...it's like waking up on another planet...It is SO incredibly helpful to know I am not alone... and we can just guide each other...

 

[AmericanGirl]

We are all in this together...

 

[pinevalley]

I don't think that it is selfish of you to miss the son that you once had before the drugs, or to be sad for missing all the things that normal young adults are doing now. It is exhausting to be the parent of a difficult child, and I'm sure that we all miss the "old" difficult child's sometimes, before the addiction. I am so glad that I have many good memories of my difficult child when he was a little boy, because in a million years I never expected my difficult child to become a drug addict. Take care of yourself, and keep posting on this board.

 

[DammitJanet]

I have to comment on the "your not talking to your parent, your talking to the alzheimers" comment. I also had a mother who died from alzheimers but she got nicer when she got alzheimers. I had a severely difficult time taking care of her because of everything she did to me my whole life and I could never get passed the fact that the entire time I was taking care of her I was still dealing with my mom. I could have never just accepted I was dealing with the decease because it made her a kinder woman and that was simply not the person she was. In fact, I was the first person she forgot. She swore up and down that she had never had a child. It was one of the most hurtful things I ever went through. She forgot her dog last.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Janet, My dad forgot his dog last too. I dealt with some of the same emotions. I still remember hearing him tell a nurse's aide that he loved her....over and over again. I thought back to all those years when he never said it to me. Nearly broke my heart. Hugs to you my friend.