We leave tomorrow afternoon for two weeks. I haven't heard anything from my daughter since yesterday morning, in an email she told me she is still sleeping in her car, with the cats. I had a bad day on Tuesday, going through all the negative thoughts of how can I go on vacation when my only child is homeless and living in her car. I had a strong intuition that she was not in a safe place and I found out I was correct. She moved on but is still homeless. I was considering paying for her to stay in a motel for a couple of weeks. I felt bad. Then the next day I began thinking that someday I will not be here and she really will be on her own, so perhaps I can look at this as if it is an experiment.
Tuesday night I wrote her an email and listed all the shelters in the area. SO told me that if she didn't mention the cats, she could stay in a shelter and just leave the cats in the car and stay safe. I mentioned that to her as well as giving her more resources to think about. I told her that if she considered surrendering the cats, at least the 3 young ones, I would help her to some degree financially for a few months until she got on her feet. But, if she chose to keep the cats, that presented such a huge hurdle in finding housing that I would not offer any help under those conditions. A new understanding of what my boundaries are.
I haven't heard from her since then. I think, at least right now, that I will go on vacation and just leave things as they are. She has all the resources to find her way if she chooses. But, as you all know, our difficult child's have minds of their own, and they don't always work in the way we believe they 'should.'
It feels strange to me. And, yet, at the same time, being 3000 miles away from home and away from her, is an opportunity for both of us to figure out how to live our own lives. My heart aches and yet this feels oddly right. She and I have been through a lot in the last 6 weeks. We've communicated in ways we never have and opened doors that were previously nailed shut. We are connected in a different way and yet detached from each other. It still feels odd to me, unusual.
My guess is that this is another level of recovery in my own codependency. I can sustain the anxiety about letting go. I couldn't do that before. Therapy has shown me that often, as codependent's, we step in to save them to allay our own level of anxiety and fear ( of course, also to 'save' them.) I went through much of that anxiety on Tuesday all day. But I managed to get through the day without making any moves towards my difficult child that I would later regret. I held on tight and didn't 'do' anything but offer information on shelter/housing resources.
The doing nothing was tough. I think, for me, just trying to do something to help relieves my anxiety about my difficult child's life. But, it's my anxiety, not hers. She is living in a different world, one in which she lives in the moment, surviving. Her mental distractions keep her brain busy with minutia while mine drags fearful scenarios into full view scaring me into action. I went through all that fear and managed to do nothing and I maneuvered myself through that familiar mine field and got out without stepping on any. Whew.
I am committed to enjoying myself on this vacation, mostly resting my overactive brain which has been fully engaged for almost two months with my difficult child's shenanigans up close and personal. I am tired. The timing of this has been fortuitous and I plan on taking advantage of it to the best of my ability.
I am taking my laptop along with me and as I rest in the sun, I will be checking in on you guys and updating you on how I'm faring. As always, thank you for your good thoughts. God Bless.
Tuesday night I wrote her an email and listed all the shelters in the area. SO told me that if she didn't mention the cats, she could stay in a shelter and just leave the cats in the car and stay safe. I mentioned that to her as well as giving her more resources to think about. I told her that if she considered surrendering the cats, at least the 3 young ones, I would help her to some degree financially for a few months until she got on her feet. But, if she chose to keep the cats, that presented such a huge hurdle in finding housing that I would not offer any help under those conditions. A new understanding of what my boundaries are.
I haven't heard from her since then. I think, at least right now, that I will go on vacation and just leave things as they are. She has all the resources to find her way if she chooses. But, as you all know, our difficult child's have minds of their own, and they don't always work in the way we believe they 'should.'
It feels strange to me. And, yet, at the same time, being 3000 miles away from home and away from her, is an opportunity for both of us to figure out how to live our own lives. My heart aches and yet this feels oddly right. She and I have been through a lot in the last 6 weeks. We've communicated in ways we never have and opened doors that were previously nailed shut. We are connected in a different way and yet detached from each other. It still feels odd to me, unusual.
My guess is that this is another level of recovery in my own codependency. I can sustain the anxiety about letting go. I couldn't do that before. Therapy has shown me that often, as codependent's, we step in to save them to allay our own level of anxiety and fear ( of course, also to 'save' them.) I went through much of that anxiety on Tuesday all day. But I managed to get through the day without making any moves towards my difficult child that I would later regret. I held on tight and didn't 'do' anything but offer information on shelter/housing resources.
The doing nothing was tough. I think, for me, just trying to do something to help relieves my anxiety about my difficult child's life. But, it's my anxiety, not hers. She is living in a different world, one in which she lives in the moment, surviving. Her mental distractions keep her brain busy with minutia while mine drags fearful scenarios into full view scaring me into action. I went through all that fear and managed to do nothing and I maneuvered myself through that familiar mine field and got out without stepping on any. Whew.
I am committed to enjoying myself on this vacation, mostly resting my overactive brain which has been fully engaged for almost two months with my difficult child's shenanigans up close and personal. I am tired. The timing of this has been fortuitous and I plan on taking advantage of it to the best of my ability.
I am taking my laptop along with me and as I rest in the sun, I will be checking in on you guys and updating you on how I'm faring. As always, thank you for your good thoughts. God Bless.
