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General Parenting
Let's all go for a ride on the emotional escalator, shall we? EPIC
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<blockquote data-quote="emotionallybankrupt" data-source="post: 330035" data-attributes="member: 8226"><p>Wow. Escalator indeed. Sounds like you stayed calm when you were blocked in the room, which I was never able to do. Of course, my difficult child knew that was a panic issue for me, and I know that's why she did it.</p><p> </p><p>What's with these kids and threats to jump off balconies? I thought that was MY difficult child's original idea!</p><p> </p><p>Sure sounds like you had few choices during most of this exchange. The only thing I see that I would have TRIED to do differently is to focus during that time on calming down the situation and deal with consequences later. Things always escalated in my house when I named up and/or enforced consequences in the middle of an episode. For me, that's not a natural response to separate the two. For MOST kids, I think the direct and immediate connection makes much more sense. When they're out of control, though, I think it pushes them further out of control and makes it harder to diffuse the incident. A quote I kept posted discreetly as a reminder to myself is that "to try to reason with an oppositional child in the middle of an oppositional episode is like trying to reason with an alcoholic when they are drunk." I definitely found truth in that but never got myself fully "reprogrammed" to do it that way. (Quote from book <u>The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder</u> by Douglas Riley.)</p><p> </p><p>Also, what I would have WANTED to say, when presented with "I don't have to do anything you say," is "You're exactly right. You have a choice as always. You can do what I expect and face no consequences or refuse and accept the consequences." Long ago, a counselor showed me a video of a presentation by an expert whose name I don't remember. The big focus was that if you state it in the context of a choice, the brain has to make a shift to decide between the two rather than to argue. When I was able to think quickly enough to do this, I found it to be amazingly true. To say, "If you don't do what I expect you to do, you will have consequences," we all know means EXACTLY the same thing, but that would have caused an escalation here, whereas the other phrasing probably would not.</p><p> </p><p>Good luck on all the other angles--medication checks, etc. Like tiredmommy, I wonder about the hunger issue and what role that played in the whole exchange.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="emotionallybankrupt, post: 330035, member: 8226"] Wow. Escalator indeed. Sounds like you stayed calm when you were blocked in the room, which I was never able to do. Of course, my difficult child knew that was a panic issue for me, and I know that's why she did it. What's with these kids and threats to jump off balconies? I thought that was MY difficult child's original idea! Sure sounds like you had few choices during most of this exchange. The only thing I see that I would have TRIED to do differently is to focus during that time on calming down the situation and deal with consequences later. Things always escalated in my house when I named up and/or enforced consequences in the middle of an episode. For me, that's not a natural response to separate the two. For MOST kids, I think the direct and immediate connection makes much more sense. When they're out of control, though, I think it pushes them further out of control and makes it harder to diffuse the incident. A quote I kept posted discreetly as a reminder to myself is that "to try to reason with an oppositional child in the middle of an oppositional episode is like trying to reason with an alcoholic when they are drunk." I definitely found truth in that but never got myself fully "reprogrammed" to do it that way. (Quote from book [U]The Defiant Child: A Parent's Guide to Oppositional Defiant Disorder[/U] by Douglas Riley.) Also, what I would have WANTED to say, when presented with "I don't have to do anything you say," is "You're exactly right. You have a choice as always. You can do what I expect and face no consequences or refuse and accept the consequences." Long ago, a counselor showed me a video of a presentation by an expert whose name I don't remember. The big focus was that if you state it in the context of a choice, the brain has to make a shift to decide between the two rather than to argue. When I was able to think quickly enough to do this, I found it to be amazingly true. To say, "If you don't do what I expect you to do, you will have consequences," we all know means EXACTLY the same thing, but that would have caused an escalation here, whereas the other phrasing probably would not. Good luck on all the other angles--medication checks, etc. Like tiredmommy, I wonder about the hunger issue and what role that played in the whole exchange. [/QUOTE]
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Let's all go for a ride on the emotional escalator, shall we? EPIC
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