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Letter from difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 566835" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>JKF, </p><p></p><p>I'm sorry that you clutched the letter and sat and sobbed, but I know you are not alone in your heart ache. Not just for what you are going through as a friend, but for what many of us have gone through or are going through - we feel your pain, disappointment, open ended fears, hope, despair, and are probably praying the same prayers in between at times questioning "Are you mad at me God?" type of attitude. It's like you get just a glimpse of hope when they get some structure in their lives and then they go off the reservation and we teeter up and down like a gradeschool playground toy. Some days it just flat stinks to be who we are. But every day I try to think...."WHAT on earth am I thankful for in regards to my son?" and somehow? Belive it or not. Even though I can have twinges of jealousy with absolute strangers ......and their "perfect" children? I find myself thinking "Okay----I can deal with this he maybe XX but he is XX." </p><p></p><p>In the letter that he wrote? I think maybe at this moment it would be hard for you to weigh out the positives over the negatives. Seek the positives. </p><p>When he wrote the letter - He was thinking about home. He was thinking about his little brother. He cared enough about him to write him. In his own way, with poor communication skills he IS stating to an 11 yo that Group homes are no fun, I think it's a way of saying - Don't mess up like me and go there. Youll end up here - a warning. One that shows care and concern. (so he DOES have a heart). He mentions that he made a mistake. So he's getting the idea, you do XX and XX will occur. That's progress also. Not what we wanted of course.....but he's starting to see if you don't obey, there is JAIL. And he's there. Reality smack. </p><p></p><p>Maybe at this point he's not ready to admit to a little brother he's a thief. I think that would be hard for anyone - but especially a difficult child, and maybe just maybe he thinks that his kid brother has held out ( _) much faith and love for him - a last refuge if you will. Maybe the little brother should write him a reality check letter back if he knows what has happened. Then he goes on to say he's forgiven his Dad.....and wouldn't that be a great step for him if he has????? And what's so wrong about forgiving you too? No one is perfect. I'd like to know what he was so angry for that he felt he HAD to forgive me about. Maybe it's contributed to his behaviore and you didn't even know it. I say this because DUDE was mad as HADES at me for years......and did things, and acted out---and whenhe finally got into therapy he belted out "I HATE YOU" I hate your guts. and OMG I about fell apart. I mean.....WOW. He was angry at me for a LOT of things.....many many things.....and then we talked for years......and years. about all the issues he had I never knew he had. He was angry with himself too----I don't think hes' forgiven himself yet.....it's a process. But I was actually relieved when he forgave me.....and like you I did nothing----I was a single Mom - who worked 3 jobs and did all I could to help him....but I didn't stay married to his abusive Daddy.....(he was too young to remember) and I was a monster for taking him away. I thought I did a good thing. He thought I was the enemy. </p><p></p><p>And don't be too sure that Daddy is forgiven too - it's part of the process that they learn in prison GROUP therapy. IT sounds to me like he's TRYING to use the tools that they're teaching him in anger management sessions. So he's LISTENING. And I would say - TRYING. Maybe not fitting all the pieces of the puzzle in the right place......but he's at least trying. Doesn't mean a black mark against you Mom......and it doesn't mean that he's going to get CURED in prison.....or that he could come home for Christmas. But maybe??? Maybe it's a start. Try looking at it that way. Just a different spin on the same letter. </p><p></p><p>He's not quite gotten to the point where he admits......everything. Yet......and maybe never. But sounds like a start. ANd of COURSE you're the last one standing. You're his Mother. It's what we do. And then we walk away and let them fall..and pray they see what we're trying in a last ditch effort to accomplish...and cry......and there's no one there to pick us up....because everyone thinks we're idiots for still caring.....but they don't understand. Only other Moms understand. And that's why you have us. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 566835, member: 4964"] JKF, I'm sorry that you clutched the letter and sat and sobbed, but I know you are not alone in your heart ache. Not just for what you are going through as a friend, but for what many of us have gone through or are going through - we feel your pain, disappointment, open ended fears, hope, despair, and are probably praying the same prayers in between at times questioning "Are you mad at me God?" type of attitude. It's like you get just a glimpse of hope when they get some structure in their lives and then they go off the reservation and we teeter up and down like a gradeschool playground toy. Some days it just flat stinks to be who we are. But every day I try to think...."WHAT on earth am I thankful for in regards to my son?" and somehow? Belive it or not. Even though I can have twinges of jealousy with absolute strangers ......and their "perfect" children? I find myself thinking "Okay----I can deal with this he maybe XX but he is XX." In the letter that he wrote? I think maybe at this moment it would be hard for you to weigh out the positives over the negatives. Seek the positives. When he wrote the letter - He was thinking about home. He was thinking about his little brother. He cared enough about him to write him. In his own way, with poor communication skills he IS stating to an 11 yo that Group homes are no fun, I think it's a way of saying - Don't mess up like me and go there. Youll end up here - a warning. One that shows care and concern. (so he DOES have a heart). He mentions that he made a mistake. So he's getting the idea, you do XX and XX will occur. That's progress also. Not what we wanted of course.....but he's starting to see if you don't obey, there is JAIL. And he's there. Reality smack. Maybe at this point he's not ready to admit to a little brother he's a thief. I think that would be hard for anyone - but especially a difficult child, and maybe just maybe he thinks that his kid brother has held out ( _) much faith and love for him - a last refuge if you will. Maybe the little brother should write him a reality check letter back if he knows what has happened. Then he goes on to say he's forgiven his Dad.....and wouldn't that be a great step for him if he has????? And what's so wrong about forgiving you too? No one is perfect. I'd like to know what he was so angry for that he felt he HAD to forgive me about. Maybe it's contributed to his behaviore and you didn't even know it. I say this because DUDE was mad as HADES at me for years......and did things, and acted out---and whenhe finally got into therapy he belted out "I HATE YOU" I hate your guts. and OMG I about fell apart. I mean.....WOW. He was angry at me for a LOT of things.....many many things.....and then we talked for years......and years. about all the issues he had I never knew he had. He was angry with himself too----I don't think hes' forgiven himself yet.....it's a process. But I was actually relieved when he forgave me.....and like you I did nothing----I was a single Mom - who worked 3 jobs and did all I could to help him....but I didn't stay married to his abusive Daddy.....(he was too young to remember) and I was a monster for taking him away. I thought I did a good thing. He thought I was the enemy. And don't be too sure that Daddy is forgiven too - it's part of the process that they learn in prison GROUP therapy. IT sounds to me like he's TRYING to use the tools that they're teaching him in anger management sessions. So he's LISTENING. And I would say - TRYING. Maybe not fitting all the pieces of the puzzle in the right place......but he's at least trying. Doesn't mean a black mark against you Mom......and it doesn't mean that he's going to get CURED in prison.....or that he could come home for Christmas. But maybe??? Maybe it's a start. Try looking at it that way. Just a different spin on the same letter. He's not quite gotten to the point where he admits......everything. Yet......and maybe never. But sounds like a start. ANd of COURSE you're the last one standing. You're his Mother. It's what we do. And then we walk away and let them fall..and pray they see what we're trying in a last ditch effort to accomplish...and cry......and there's no one there to pick us up....because everyone thinks we're idiots for still caring.....but they don't understand. Only other Moms understand. And that's why you have us. Hugs & love Star [/QUOTE]
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