Letter to my son

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TearyEyed, Oct 25, 2013.

  1. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Hi all,

    I posted the other day about my son being in the hospital. Well the hospital released him to a psychiatric hospital who determined he was not a threat to himself and released him. After years of psychiatrists, psychologists, medications, military school, grou homes etc. I am not surprised yet again, we hit a brick wall. He is now manipulating me to allow him to come home. Here is an email that I sent to him:

    difficult child,
    I have been thinking a lot about the fact that you believe I kicked you out of the house and that it is my fault that you are in the predicament you are in. I wanted to clarify some things so that the light can be shed on what the truth of the matter is. After many years of trying to get you help, forcing you to go to school, putting up with damage to our home, complete disrespect for house rules, arrests, etc., we still wanted and allowed you to live at home because we love you. Last January is when things really started to become unbearable. If you recall, you were on probation from your arrest in October of 2012. We went to a court hearing on January 15 and the judge clearly explained what the requirements of probation were and if you completed those requirements your probation would end. However, the very next day you refused to go to school. You stole our stereo equipment. You began leaving home and not returning for days. On January 20 you stole my debit card. You continued to refuse to go to school. You were fighting with the gang banger down the street. You snuck your girlfriend into our house and the next morning when I told her to leave, you told me that you hoped I would die and end up in a ditch somewhere. You told me you couldn’t live “here” anymore. You said it just wasn’t a good place for you to be. I asked if you wanted to try living with your dad. You said yes. I explained that if it didn’t work out there, you would have to go back to detention because you clearly weren’t following the terms of your probation and I would have no other choice. We had tried everything to help you and it just wasn’t not working. Well, you tried it with your dad and look how that turned out. You didn’t go to school or get a job, threatened suicide, did drugs etc. (the drug test they gave you when you got back to detention came back positive for opiates and THC). That is WHY you were taken back to detention. I DID NOT SEND you back. You made bad choices and because of those choices you were held accountable. Believe it or not difficult child, rules do apply to you just like everyone else. When the judge released you to CPS, you ran away from the group home with only a few weeks to go before your 18[SUP]th[/SUP] birthday with only one credit away from graduating. Another poor decision. I was looking into places for you to go if you would have completed the group home so that you wouldn’t be out on the streets. But YOU CHOSE to run away and YOU CHOSE to go live with your girlfriend. YOU CHOSE to blow through $4,0000 in less than a month. YOU ARE CHOOSING to not get a job. YOU ARE CHOOSING to mutilate your body. YOU ARE CHOOSING to not get help. I have given you the names and phone numbers of shelters and mental health help over and over again. There are resources out there for you. I will now longer allow you to verbally and emotionally abuse me. The things that you have said to me are horrible, hurtful and disgusting. I will not tolerate it any longer. I also will not tolerate watching you destroy yourself. When I look at the scars on your arms and the wound on your forehead it breaks my heart. By continuing to rescue you, that would only enable your destructive behavior and I love you too much to do that. I am officially getting of this roller coaster.

    So, if you are having trouble understanding why I won’t allow you to come home and continue to terrorize husband and I, think long and hard about what I have just written. I know you know the truth. But it easier for you to blame me than to take responsibility for your decisions and your life. I love you with all my heart. I am not turning my back on you. When you decide you really want help and are ready to change your ways, I will be there to help you. I think about you always and pray that all the good things in life will come to you.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi TearyEyed, you've written a wonderful, honest, caring letter to your son.

    It sure sounds as if you've been through the ringer and you've reached a level of detachment you're comfortable with. Good job. And, it's not easy.

    I hope your son can take your words in and yet, I would not have too high an expectation that he does if I were you. The letter may indeed be more for you and the lines you've drawn and your clarity about that, then it may be for him to see the truth. At least my experience has been that difficult child's do not begin to understand our honesty until and if they can become responsible for their own choices and actions. I don't want to burst your hopes if you are hoping he has an "ah ha" moment, just trying to cushion you a little from what may end up being the truth.

    Perhaps the letter serves as a marker for you of where your detachment began. Keep us posted. I wish you peace.
  3. TearyEyed

    TearyEyed Member

    Thanks Recovering,

    You are abolutely right! I think it does more for me to write this to him. In a way, it helps knowing that at least I said it. He may not hear it, but it takes away some of my obsessiveness and gets it out of my head. I think he has a long way to go and this is not the first time I have written to him about my boundaries. But when he starts to manipulate and guilt me, it is theraputic for me to again state my position. Its so hard to stick to it but hopefully I will get stronger as time goes on. Thank you for your response!
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    My Dearest Son,

    Love Mom
    ps, yes the entire letter is left blank intentionally because for 18 years I've said everything there is to say and you never listened to anything anyway, so why would I waste my time now other than to say what you already know? I love you. Everything in between Dear son & I love you is wasted effort on my part and wasted time on yours so I did us both a favor.
    Put that on a sticky note, and save yourself the pain of setting yourself up for another heart ache.
    Hugs & love

  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Listen to Star. She is a wise woman.

    What you've written is poignant and heartfelt. You are trying to reach the son inside the difficult child. He isn't reachable right now and sending that letter will drive him further underground and will fuel the difficult child behavior.

    Save the letter. Try writing a journal. Don't send it- you are setting yourself up for way too much pain. Detach as best you can. {{{ hugs}}}
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Its a good letter. I dont think it will make much difference to him at this point and would probably be more effective if it was much shorter and simpler... but as others have said it puts in it black and white for you as to why he cant come home. And it sounds like him coming home would be a disaster!

    And I sympathize so much with your situation. Our difficult children sound very much alike and my son cant come home either.... he has not lived here now since he was 18 (he is now 22) and there is no way we want to go back to him living here. Such a difference between having your home be a sanctuary and a prison you want to escape from.