Hi Re, and my fellow warriors
I think when our kids have been "out there" for whatever reason, they get savvy at street smarts, pushing their trip on others to get their needs met, closing down their emotional selves, hardening to anything that would take their focus off of whatever they believe they require for their survival. I
I think this is what Rain was trying to tell me in her own way. Tornado has gone over the edge, even in her sisters mind. I could see that a few years ago, as she went through her issues with her abusive boyfriend, she became harder and harder. Her "survival" became a very selfish thing, verbally abusive to her family, funny and perky for friends. Her kids recall this, and have no trust in her whatsoever. In that way, they are protecting themselves.
I think jail induces a similar state of mind for self protection and your daughter and my daughter have learned how to survive in unsafe environments, sigh.
This one has always been a toughie, or presented herself that way. Stubborn and headstrong. Applied the right way, it is a good thing. She has definitely gone down some dark roads, for sure. Jail is the best place for her right now, even though she will probably apply those street smarts. Hopefully, she will seek out better companions.
It took time. Quite a bit of time. And, a lot of boundaries on my part, as you know. When she was deep into her homelessness and vagabond way of living, she and I had NO bridge to stand on, we had little to no ability to relate. We're slowly building a new bridge.
This is the thing. Just like she is detoxing not of her own accord, but due to her circumstances, the attempt on her part to “build a bridge” is the same,
brought on by her needs and wants. Right now, it serves
her purpose to try and have a relationship. I am feeling leery and cautious about that.
I think, at least for the time being, your choice to not visit Tornado and to limit your connection with her is a wise one for your own well being. If she begins to come down off the drugs and feral survival, you'll know it and at that point, you can make another choice. But for now, Tornado appears to have simply transferred her street self into her jail self, no real change, just a different location. Until a shift occurs in her thinking, nothing you do will make any difference. Hard lessons for us.
It is a hard lesson, because my “mom instinct” tries to override the flashing neon warning lights in my stoic brain. I have to measure my emotional output carefully, lest I go too far from one side to the other. The shift I would look for, is
remorse. But, for now, she is singing the “We are Family” song, after no contact for one year. Huh. Imagine that.
Looking back at my own stupid mistakes as a teen, I believe I apologized to my parents for many years after.
Feral survival.
That sums it up so succinctly. It rings in my head.
I believe that my daughter's jail experiences were one of the lessons she had to go through to see her way clear to a different way of life.....she worked very hard after that to avoid having that fate again, which meant she had to clean up her act to a certain degree, which she did.
This is encouraging, Re, and I do hope the same for Tornado. Only time will tell.
Tornado is at a choice point now.....she can continue in her usual way of living or she can make a change. It's all up to her. It has nothing to do with you.
You are correct. It has nothing to do with me. If love could save, we all wouldn’t be here.
if Tornado is there for awhile, it will become your "new normal" and life will continue.....only you've now moved through another level of acceptance and Tornado has a chance for change....
I am working on accepting this new normal and whatever comes down the pipe with it. I can’t allow myself to be threatened, or chided into anything. That first call with her brings me back to reality “I have been out on the streets for a year and YOU didn’t even come look for me.”
Now it’s, “I am in jail and YOU need to.....send me money...come visit.....make me comfortable.”
I realize it will take some time for her head to clear and for her to take responsibility for her actions.
We're all right here with you Leafy....our wagons are circled around you.....we know how tough this......you're never alone.
Thank you Re. It is so good to have this place to come to for feedback and moral support.
Did not read entire thread but my experience of prison not jail is that there is a requirement that indigent prisoners be provided with basic provisions for hygiene and stuff like writing paper and pencils and a limited amt of postage.
You know Copa, I was thinking that as well.
She is trotting out the "magic words.". She is putting the responsibility on you.
This is how she has operated for quite some time.
Everybody else is responsible. She was caught up by mistake, due to the wrong headedness of others. Her intentions are to do all the right things with respect to everybody
Delusions of grandeur, that is how I see it.
No mention of all the hurt. No mention of all the abandonment. No mention of all the degradation. No mention of all the damage, destruction and broken heartedness in her wake.
I don’t think she is at a place where she even bats an eye or winces at her past indiscretions. It brings me back to that huge incident with her circling my house, shouting at the top of her lungs, racial slurs and swearing. Never a mention, an apology. Her letter to her kids asks them to forgive her mistakes but I don’t think she has any idea or clue of how her choices have affected them. That is a poison for them to behold. The wound opened and festering in their psyche by her shallow attempt on her initial phone contact.......“When I get out I will buy you things.” Ugh.
She is still in her mind sitting smack dab in the middle of a festooned float, waving to admirers in a parade all for her.
You are right, Copa. Awhile ago, I saw her Instagram page. Full of selfies and “gangsta” slang. Her beauty marred by the ugliness brewing inside.
Until she sees she is sitting in her own
and feels something in her heart for her family who she has forced to be there with her, in this smelly mess, I would have almost no part of her.
I have to borrow from my grandchildren’s armor. They want nothing to do with her. They have been through too much. We all have. I know love forgives, but that also comes with the offender being remorseful and willing to change. The “family” card is so easy for her to play when it suits her.
But not too much lest you lose your center of gravity which is centered in you, the heart of your family.
I do worry about the depression from detox, but give that to God. I cannot go backwards with this latest situation with her. I have come to far to allow that.
New leaf. Your participation can only confuse her. Every. Single. Thing. She needs. Is in her. And available in her environment.
I have been thinking about this Copa. Together with Re’s experiences, Kalahou, it makes so much sense. It is not my journey to walk. I don’t plan on visiting, or for that matter, going to court.
I am not saying to ignore her plight. I am saying that it is hers. And she is choosing to make it yours. It is not.
It is so typical of her. “Rally to my side!” Uh, no. Thank you Copa for the clarity. You know how our kids can pull the wool over our eyes and manipulate those heart strings. I will write to her, when I am ready. Then I will be cautious with my words. She has a way of switching them all around.
Thankfully this is not a heavy charge. It's probably one of the the most perfect charges she could get for her situation right now, because it's strong enough to keep her put, safe, and most of all, give her time to reflect, but not strong enough to ruin or hurt her life in any real significant way, so you don't have to feel too badly about it all. This is the time for her I feel. This is situation is a catalyst for her to change if she so desires.
Thank you so much Wish for your love and hugs. I feel the same about Tornados situation. It really is an answer to my fervent prayers that she find herself. I am sure she does not feel the same at this time. It is up to her to make it a turning point, or not. I am swimming against the tide at times, trying not to relapse into old habits, emotionally and in my response. Cautious optimism, and standing on a “wait and see” platform. I know that the meth may have cleared her system, but not her thinking, she is a dry addict.
I am a dry enabler. I am cognizant that it is easy for me to slip into old habits and allow her situation to infect my life, which I cannot abide. My big saving grace is focusing on my responsibilities towards my son. I know all too well that I can’t use this as a crutch, that I constantly have to work in building myself up to resist the temptation to fall prey to her tactics.
She will measure my love in phone calls, letters, money in her account, jail visits. Not acceptable. It is as Copa wrote, she is choosing to put her plight on me. It is not my load to bear. She has to find it in herself to make the right choices and to bear responsibility for her past mistakes. She has to understand the pain she has inflicted on her family and herself.
I will continue to pray for her recovery, and proceed with caution with my response. Lest she continue to be confused at bearing responsibility, blame switch and feel entitled. That is what I am seeing through her letters, with the help of everyone who has posted. It is so easy to let my mother’s heart be duped into going into overdrive. I thank you all for helping me put on the brakes and think.
Nothing needs to be done, at this time.
In fact, I have to remember that I have my life to live, bills to pay, work, my son. She needs to know this as well, it should be a
given, something
blaringly obvious.
Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies, encouragement and hugs.
It is a whole new chapter on this journey. One that I hope turns out for the better.
That is completely up to Tornado.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
