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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 663880" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Lil, by reading the posts of people who have dealt with this, I think the key is accepting that we are separate people from our adult children.</p><p></p><p>Remember what COM posts, that she imagined her D C walking away from her, hand in hand with his Higher Power, as they spoke deeply together.</p><p></p><p>The thing for me is, Lil, to accept that my son is living his own life. Not my ideas of the life he should live. Not my life. He has as much said it. I am not you. I will not and cannot live your life.</p><p></p><p>As far as impending doom, I am wondering where that comes from. What does COM call it? Awfulizing? I call it catastrophizing.</p><p></p><p>If your son gets kicked out of the trailer, he will find another place to live. He has done it before. He will do it again.</p><p></p><p>The place to look to moderate that feeling is you. Not him.</p><p></p><p>Cedar, I think, read or speculated that there may be a biological imperative for a mother to stay connected with her child until they stand a good chance of surviving apart from her. If this is the case, no wonder we are in agony.</p><p></p><p>If our distress is biological we are dealing with something that is seriously bigger than our ability to control it. </p><p></p><p>Our wills and personal power, no matter how substantial are not sufficient to counter biology.</p><p></p><p>I think some sort of surrender, is in order. Some sort of acceptance and understanding of life that is way deeper and more profound than the personal. Than personal will and power.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with that too. I am not religious. At least not yet. But I posted someplace that it is like the knowing of those Australian scientists that the wreckage from the crashed Malaysian Airliner would show up exactly where it did. They knew because of the currents of the ocean. There are forces at work that we cannot even grasp, not even remotely. </p><p></p><p>We can imagine, we can believe that these forces, these currents carry our young men where they need to go.</p><p></p><p>Lil, you are practical. You are strong. I imagine all this is not going over so good, with you, my dear reader.</p><p></p><p>I am your friend. Remember that. I want you to feel better. And me too. Suspend judgment for a few minutes. Rest. Let someone else carry this burden for you. Put it for just a little while in the hands of the divine. The currents of life. It is not your fault, Lil.</p><p></p><p>We cannot see or imagine currents of an ocean that are so powerful and orderly and purposeful as those that acted upon the wreckage. But we can hope that such carry our boys.</p><p></p><p>Is it so impossible for me to trust that the right thing will happen? Am I so broken that I cannot believe that my son can be OK? I do not know.</p><p></p><p>I need to see my son differently than I do now. Not as a whining, self-indulgent baby but as a man, afraid but setting sail. And to honor him. And to respect his courage. His guts. To not indulge his fear and self-doubt.</p><p></p><p>Somebody posted that there are certain bird parents, who when their babies are resistant to leaving the nest, begin to destroy it around their difficult child babies, so that they are forced to fly and emancipate.</p><p></p><p>I think these bird parents must have seen and acknowledged some objective change or marker in their offspring, and honored it. </p><p></p><p>We can do the same. I think in my son, his hostility towards me is one such marker. He does not even want to hear my voice.</p><p></p><p>Why? It could be that I am hateful and obnoxious. I prefer however to believe he understands on a deep level that there is nothing any longer I can do for him, or should do. That he needs to be apart from me.</p><p></p><p>Part of my problem, like you, is dealing with the fact that my son may be miserable. I find this hard to accept. But less and less I feel responsible or even able to fix it.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, Lil, I think our sons are surviving. My son, himself, got on SSI. There have been no crimes that I am aware of. He seems to be learning some. He has not lived on the street for 5 months.</p><p></p><p>Your son always seems to land on his feet. There is always a next step. He may not be thriving but he is surviving.</p><p></p><p>We have a choice here. To see the cup half empty or full.</p><p></p><p>That is all I know today.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 663880, member: 18958"] Lil, by reading the posts of people who have dealt with this, I think the key is accepting that we are separate people from our adult children. Remember what COM posts, that she imagined her D C walking away from her, hand in hand with his Higher Power, as they spoke deeply together. The thing for me is, Lil, to accept that my son is living his own life. Not my ideas of the life he should live. Not my life. He has as much said it. I am not you. I will not and cannot live your life. As far as impending doom, I am wondering where that comes from. What does COM call it? Awfulizing? I call it catastrophizing. If your son gets kicked out of the trailer, he will find another place to live. He has done it before. He will do it again. The place to look to moderate that feeling is you. Not him. Cedar, I think, read or speculated that there may be a biological imperative for a mother to stay connected with her child until they stand a good chance of surviving apart from her. If this is the case, no wonder we are in agony. If our distress is biological we are dealing with something that is seriously bigger than our ability to control it. Our wills and personal power, no matter how substantial are not sufficient to counter biology. I think some sort of surrender, is in order. Some sort of acceptance and understanding of life that is way deeper and more profound than the personal. Than personal will and power. I am struggling with that too. I am not religious. At least not yet. But I posted someplace that it is like the knowing of those Australian scientists that the wreckage from the crashed Malaysian Airliner would show up exactly where it did. They knew because of the currents of the ocean. There are forces at work that we cannot even grasp, not even remotely. We can imagine, we can believe that these forces, these currents carry our young men where they need to go. Lil, you are practical. You are strong. I imagine all this is not going over so good, with you, my dear reader. I am your friend. Remember that. I want you to feel better. And me too. Suspend judgment for a few minutes. Rest. Let someone else carry this burden for you. Put it for just a little while in the hands of the divine. The currents of life. It is not your fault, Lil. We cannot see or imagine currents of an ocean that are so powerful and orderly and purposeful as those that acted upon the wreckage. But we can hope that such carry our boys. Is it so impossible for me to trust that the right thing will happen? Am I so broken that I cannot believe that my son can be OK? I do not know. I need to see my son differently than I do now. Not as a whining, self-indulgent baby but as a man, afraid but setting sail. And to honor him. And to respect his courage. His guts. To not indulge his fear and self-doubt. Somebody posted that there are certain bird parents, who when their babies are resistant to leaving the nest, begin to destroy it around their difficult child babies, so that they are forced to fly and emancipate. I think these bird parents must have seen and acknowledged some objective change or marker in their offspring, and honored it. We can do the same. I think in my son, his hostility towards me is one such marker. He does not even want to hear my voice. Why? It could be that I am hateful and obnoxious. I prefer however to believe he understands on a deep level that there is nothing any longer I can do for him, or should do. That he needs to be apart from me. Part of my problem, like you, is dealing with the fact that my son may be miserable. I find this hard to accept. But less and less I feel responsible or even able to fix it. But the thing is, Lil, I think our sons are surviving. My son, himself, got on SSI. There have been no crimes that I am aware of. He seems to be learning some. He has not lived on the street for 5 months. Your son always seems to land on his feet. There is always a next step. He may not be thriving but he is surviving. We have a choice here. To see the cup half empty or full. That is all I know today. [/QUOTE]
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