Little Update

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jul 30, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Not a whole lot has happened since the family reunion fiasco, but thought I'd update you all. I actually hesitated to do it...seems like when I say something is going well it immediately falls apart. Of course, I don't know that I'd call this "well", so maybe there's no jinx involved.

    After our son went back to the girl's town, she put him up in a hotel for a couple days and then next thing we knew he was in another town a couple hours away. Weren't sure why for a bit, but apparently he and she moved in with her mother, brother and a roommate. They now both have a job at a factory, graveyard shift (11p.m.-7a.m.), where the roommate works so they ride with her. They started Tuesday night. He called and asked if I'd send him money for white t-shirts, since he owns nothing that isn't black and he's required to wear white (it's a food-related job). I didn't send money, but offered to buy on Wal-Mart.com and he could pick them up. That's happening today. He had borrowed a shirt for a day but called last night asking me to place the order.

    Of course, he also had to have one of his mini-rants, saying how he hates his job and wants to quit - AFTER ONE SHIFT :biting: - but can't because "there are no other jobs here" (possible, it's pretty rural). He asked me to add nail clippers to the order since he lost his and no one in the house owns nail clippers because they all bite their nails and just tell him to do that too. He claimed they have no food at all. Apparently the mother and brother get SSI for, but "blow the money" and don't buy food that will last. He complained there are no food pantries. He said he's witnessed "this fat woman" literally drink a bowl of gravy. He said he's been eating dry cereal because that's all there is. He said they'd just gotten paid and would buy the groceries tonight, but "it'll all be gone in 3 days".

    I'm torn between being a bit insulted about the "fat woman" remark...but I'd never drink gravy :p and amused while somewhat disgusted with him. I find it kind of funny that HE is complaining about how other people live and that maybe he's seeing how good he had it everywhere he's ever been. But it's kind of disgusting that HE looks down on other people - calling THEM stupid or bad with money - when HE'S always blown money like dandelion seeds and they're putting a roof over his head and food in his belly - poor as it may be - without him contributing a dime. I really can't get passed the mentality that doesn't want to work, but complains if what he's given isn't good enough. He even told his grandma, "I know lots of people who don't work and they get along just fine." :rolleyes:

    I did buy the t-shirts and clippers and otherwise told him, "Well you'll just have to suck it up about the job. The sooner the two of you have money the sooner you can get a place of your own." I wondered - but did NOT ask - where the girl's $900 savings went. o_O

    But enough about him. Jabber and I have made peace with his parents, who are no longer upset with anyone but their daughters (HEE! HEE! HEE! HEE!) and have now booked a lovely little house on a lake in Arkansas for Labor Day weekend! Four days of fishing, relaxing by the lake and visiting friends...No internet and I fully intend to leave my phone in the house. Not taking a chance of dropping my brand new, obscenely expensive phone in the lake...yeah...that's why I'm leaving it. :sneaky: We also have a vacation booked leaving Christmas Day for Vegas. I think it's high time we lived our lives.

    It's much simpler with our son away. I admit to being still a bit worried and tense about going without cell phone. It's that "just in case" thing. But I'm getting better.
     
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  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job on the Walmart idea! That's an easy -- and appropriate -- way to help without enabling.

    It's ironic isn't it, when they complain about other people's behavior. To me that was always a sign that they *do* get it, deep down inside.

    I'm glad you and Jabber are settling into a more peaceful existence and have a great trip to look forward to!
     
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  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Our upcoming view. :)

    [​IMG]
     
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  4. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    The world wont implode just because you miss a phone call from him. He has to learn that we aren't at his beck and call and, at this point, that means not always answering every phone call from him. Besides, I can bring mine onto the lake sealed in a ziplock bag. If its truly important (or maybe not, you never know with him!) he will call mine and when we get to shore I will check the voice mail. Or not. I may just text him as we are leaving the house that we will be out of touch for the next four days and then power off both phones and put them in the glove box.
     
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    First of all--

    Yey! on the mini-vacation!

    It is so important to just get away and relax, away from modern intrusions (I mean conveniences)!

    Secondly, I'm glad your boy is well and he has a place to live and a JOB no matter that he hates it.

    Yey! for small victories!

    Your boy will change his life when he gets ready to and not before.

    The positives are that he seems not to have a serious drug/alcohol addiction or a really serious mental problem. That could make it easier to change things when he is ready.
     
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  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am not sure that I would let him know that you are not at home either by outright telling him or by implication,
     
  7. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Well it may not be much but it's progress.

    I can so relate to this!! My son had a good job working in a warehouse at a furniture store, they were paying him $11.00 an hr which I though was pretty darn good for just starting out. I was impressed that he was holding onto this job longer than a few weeks. One day he announces that he quit because the owner is an idiot and doesn't know the first thing about running a business. Yup, this coming from someone who has yet to hold a job for longer than 3 months. I made the mistake of telling him the owner has had the same business for 30 years, all that did was invite the arguing.

    Good thinking on ordering the shirts online rather than sending money.

    So happy for you and Jabber on getting away over Labor day. You so deserve a break.
    I think without your phone you will really be able to unwind.
    Have a campfire and roast some marshmallow's
     
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  8. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Why not? I don't plan on leaving the phones on long enough for him to respond and our neighborhood is fairly safe. We would tell our neighbors that we will be out of town so its not like he could break in while we are gone. Besides, the town he is in is around 2 hours away and he has no transportation. No, in this case, us announcing to him that we wont be home isn't that big of a deal.

    Realistically, the ONE drawback to doing that is if I don't turn the phones off right away he will call simply to :censored2: about us going incommunicado.
     
  9. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Remember the days before cell phones, when everyone had to wait until you were home to get in touch with you? Not a bad thing. Life or death emergency, you can always be found. But I've yet to encounter anything with either of my difficult children that's a true life or death emergency. Giving myself permission to NOT answer the phone when one of my kids calls was one of the greatest things I did to add to my peace of mind. Let yourself enjoy being without that phone :)
     
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  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    What Jabber said. :) If he was still in our town, that would be a different story. But he can't even get to the store without someone giving him a ride, he no longer has keys, and one neighbor knows he doesn't live here, the other doesn't know him and I'm sure would be on the phone to the cops if they saw this strange, long-haired young man breaking in.

    No...my plan was to text him, "Dad and I are on a fishing trip. About to lose cell signal. Be back in civilization in a few days. Love you."

    That ought to do it. I've already said on Facebook we're going to a lake in Arkansas, so no cell and internet won't be a surprise.

    Yeah...that sounds familiar. They know everything, don't they? Yet they can't manage to do anything right.
     
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  11. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Lil I think this is progress. Job, roof and gravy. Better than what it was. You have made progress in letting go and now he is taking hold a bit.

    I call that a big step forward. Let's celebrate that today.
     
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  12. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Honestly honey, I don't know why you even listen to his rants anymore. And yeah, the town has a population of around 1,500 and is well off the beaten path so job opportunities are probably pretty slim. But they are there. But in the end its on him. He chose to go there. Considering the town he's in, at least he wont be complaining this time about "The Black Woman keeping him down!" LOL!
     
  13. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh it wasn't enough of a rant to justify hanging up. He was just doing his usual complaining.

    Don't worry...he'll find someone to keep him down. :p
     
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  14. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Personally, as soon as the cussing starts I'm done. That is the signal that he wants to go into full blown rant mode and I wont listen to it anymore.
     
  15. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Honestly, listening to any ranting at all would make my blood boil considering how many opportunities he has had and blown...

    Enjoy your trip!!!! Hubby and I just booked three nights at a condo in Hilton Head for the beginning of September. I am SOOO excited to smell the salty air!!! :)
     
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  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You did great!

    We always add something about doing well and working up, or about doing well and getting a great reference, or about some rotten job we had when we were young and how it led to something better.

    That's why no one listens to us anymore.

    :O)

    This is so good. Peer pressure, sharing the costs of things, buying groceries and finding out someone ate yours ~ he will grow up pretty quickly. Working nights so no way to oversleep and be late for work, everybody else working nights too, including the girlfriend. Who could have seen this one coming?!?

    Very happy to learn the family is coming back together, and that the sisters are being expected to rethink their parts in what happened.

    Enjoy the lake and the fishing and the time away, you two! It's been such a long time since you haven't been worried about your son.

    You will be able to really relax for the first time in years.

    Cedar
     
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  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh I don't know what, if anything, my mother-in-law has said to her daughters, but she made a remark about "learning what they think" of her and her husband. That's really been one of the major reasons we were upset with them too. Fine, they inconvenienced us and hurt our and our son's feelings...but they also disrespected their parents! They aren't old and addled and have every right to decide what's going on in their own home! They aren't at all pleased with having been "handled" and I don't blame them.
     
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  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Atleast he is safe and working. The rest will work itself out.
     
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Toe nails too?
     
  20. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    :rofl:
     
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