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living with negotiators
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 104602" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>We have a regular routine. On nights when the routine is disordered (such as tonight) we have to negotiate a bit, but the regular routine is a lifesaver. And we negotiated that with him, too.</p><p></p><p>When we've negotiated the routine we try it out. If something is not working, we modify it. Again, with negotiation.</p><p></p><p>For example, tonight - we just got home at 9pm. difficult child 3 is tired, wants to go to bed. No shower tonight, we won't insist even though he is sweaty. But he MUST clean his teeth. We just had a long to-and-fro discussion which in days prior to Explosive Child would have led to meltdown, all about getting teeth cleaned. He finally did it, being unpleasant about it while husband (to his credit) stayed calm and polite, finally pointing out that only ONE person was being disagreeable, with no cause. difficult child 3 finally relented and apologised. And the teeth got cleaned.</p><p></p><p>We based what we wanted in the routine on our observations. We noticed that when difficult child 3 played certain computer games before bedtime, the ones where he was tense and fighting an enemy, for example, he didn't sleep well. Some games played any time would give him nightmares, so they were banned until he was older. </p><p></p><p>To work out a good routine, you go backwards.</p><p></p><p>The routine - he has an earlier bedtime because regardless of when he goes to bed, he gets up early. Always. So to make sure he gets enough sleep, it's lights out at 10 pm. In order to ensure he is ready to sleep, it's "in bed by 9.30 pm". To make sure he is ready for bed and his mind settling, it's "All games to finish by 8.30 pm. He may stay on the computer to do homework or to chat, as long as he is COMPLETELY ready for bed."</p><p>To make sure he is ready for bed, he must be fed, in his pyjamas and teeth cleaned by 9 pm. For THAT to happen, he has to begin at 6 pm - organise the bath (which can mean run it himself, or ask someone else to do it and make sure it gets done); have his bath, eat his dinner, get his own dessert and eat that then go clean his teeth. To make sure everything happens, all games stop at 6 pm unless there is a delay in the routine not of his making, which means he cannot progress in his routine (for example, dinner is late). Once he is completely ready for bed, he can play computer games until 8.30 pm and do other stuff after that as long as it's not gaming. Reading a book is recommended.</p><p></p><p>Does that make sense?</p><p></p><p>difficult child 3 wanted to modify his routine - originally, all games had to stop at 6 pm, but when he was able to show us that he could keep going with his routine and still play games after 6 pm, we relaxed that one. When he stopped having nightmares or being unsettled by certain games, we let him play them again. But the earlier bedtime makes for easier negotiations, because it means he's not nagging us while WE'RE tired!</p><p></p><p>We negotiate by daylight. We sit and discuss the issue with him, ask him what he feels is reasonable. When difficult child 1 was playing too much on the games, I asked him to set his own limits. Since he had NO idea how much computer gaming he was doing, he set a figure which he clearly thought would give him as much gaming as he wanted; I readily accepted and made him keep a logbook of when he played, so he wouldn't go over his daily quota. He was horrified at how quickly he racked up his gaming hours. And from THAT point, I had more bargaining power because my original claim that he had been gaming far more than he realised, had been borne out.</p><p>Another trick I did (and will work towards with difficult child 3) was to insist that equal time be given to schoolwork that is given to computer games. And the time has to be spent with the same enthusiasm regardless of which it's for. For example, the same intense concentration he puts into playing games, he also has to put in to his schoolwork. And if the work all gets done and he has nothing left to do - he can read a schoolbook, he can watch an educational DVD, he can do some research. </p><p></p><p>By letting him set the rules, we all win. And back when he first negotiated for his later bedtime, he was always too tired to stay up that late. For example, it's now just after 9.30 pm, his light has been out for fifteen minutes and he's already sound asleep.</p><p></p><p>I win again.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 104602, member: 1991"] We have a regular routine. On nights when the routine is disordered (such as tonight) we have to negotiate a bit, but the regular routine is a lifesaver. And we negotiated that with him, too. When we've negotiated the routine we try it out. If something is not working, we modify it. Again, with negotiation. For example, tonight - we just got home at 9pm. difficult child 3 is tired, wants to go to bed. No shower tonight, we won't insist even though he is sweaty. But he MUST clean his teeth. We just had a long to-and-fro discussion which in days prior to Explosive Child would have led to meltdown, all about getting teeth cleaned. He finally did it, being unpleasant about it while husband (to his credit) stayed calm and polite, finally pointing out that only ONE person was being disagreeable, with no cause. difficult child 3 finally relented and apologised. And the teeth got cleaned. We based what we wanted in the routine on our observations. We noticed that when difficult child 3 played certain computer games before bedtime, the ones where he was tense and fighting an enemy, for example, he didn't sleep well. Some games played any time would give him nightmares, so they were banned until he was older. To work out a good routine, you go backwards. The routine - he has an earlier bedtime because regardless of when he goes to bed, he gets up early. Always. So to make sure he gets enough sleep, it's lights out at 10 pm. In order to ensure he is ready to sleep, it's "in bed by 9.30 pm". To make sure he is ready for bed and his mind settling, it's "All games to finish by 8.30 pm. He may stay on the computer to do homework or to chat, as long as he is COMPLETELY ready for bed." To make sure he is ready for bed, he must be fed, in his pyjamas and teeth cleaned by 9 pm. For THAT to happen, he has to begin at 6 pm - organise the bath (which can mean run it himself, or ask someone else to do it and make sure it gets done); have his bath, eat his dinner, get his own dessert and eat that then go clean his teeth. To make sure everything happens, all games stop at 6 pm unless there is a delay in the routine not of his making, which means he cannot progress in his routine (for example, dinner is late). Once he is completely ready for bed, he can play computer games until 8.30 pm and do other stuff after that as long as it's not gaming. Reading a book is recommended. Does that make sense? difficult child 3 wanted to modify his routine - originally, all games had to stop at 6 pm, but when he was able to show us that he could keep going with his routine and still play games after 6 pm, we relaxed that one. When he stopped having nightmares or being unsettled by certain games, we let him play them again. But the earlier bedtime makes for easier negotiations, because it means he's not nagging us while WE'RE tired! We negotiate by daylight. We sit and discuss the issue with him, ask him what he feels is reasonable. When difficult child 1 was playing too much on the games, I asked him to set his own limits. Since he had NO idea how much computer gaming he was doing, he set a figure which he clearly thought would give him as much gaming as he wanted; I readily accepted and made him keep a logbook of when he played, so he wouldn't go over his daily quota. He was horrified at how quickly he racked up his gaming hours. And from THAT point, I had more bargaining power because my original claim that he had been gaming far more than he realised, had been borne out. Another trick I did (and will work towards with difficult child 3) was to insist that equal time be given to schoolwork that is given to computer games. And the time has to be spent with the same enthusiasm regardless of which it's for. For example, the same intense concentration he puts into playing games, he also has to put in to his schoolwork. And if the work all gets done and he has nothing left to do - he can read a schoolbook, he can watch an educational DVD, he can do some research. By letting him set the rules, we all win. And back when he first negotiated for his later bedtime, he was always too tired to stay up that late. For example, it's now just after 9.30 pm, his light has been out for fifteen minutes and he's already sound asleep. I win again. Marg [/QUOTE]
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