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Lost my way-need advice!
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<blockquote data-quote="Tiredof33" data-source="post: 498223" data-attributes="member: 13558"><p>I was in an abusive marriage and I made excuses for him for years. I know that if I had stayed with him he would have killed me. Although mine was a spouse, it is still much like yours. </p><p></p><p>Sounds like your son is the same, this is his second time in jail. It is so hard to find a good counselor, but please keep trying. You have a right to a life too! If he abuses you he will probably abuse his partner too. </p><p></p><p>What I was told is we 'see' what we want them to be, not as they really are. Start a journal and write down everything he has done, all the promises and the abuse. Then write down they good things he has done. Sometimes when we see it in black and white we see the reality of the situation, not what we want the situation to be. Write down what you feel and how you want your life to be like, and how it is now and what you want to change.</p><p></p><p>I am so sorry that you were sober for so many years and relapsed. This does not make you a bad person, just one that is letting life stresses control you. I did not drink when I was married, but started when my son started getting into trouble in his teens, to dull the pain. I had gotten to a low point of going to work drunk. I am ashamed to admit that, but I was needed a lot of help. I had a very good job with 20+ years service and I was a very good employee! I went on dissability for about six months and that saved me and my job. I was in counseling and took an anti depressant and some 'pill' that makes you sick if you drink. IT WORKS LOL!!!!</p><p></p><p>I know how difficult it is and I had problems with both of my kids. I blamed myself for the bad marriage and the father paid zero child support and drifted out of their lives. They have not seen him in over 17 years and do not know where he lives. Sadly, he will probably die and they will not know it.</p><p></p><p>My 33 yo difficult child is so much like his father and I let him manipulate me through guilt. I still live one day at a time and so will you! I was a single parent for 20 years because I knew no one would put up with the **** my son did.</p><p></p><p>I now have a wonderful spouse for 11 years and he helped me realize I have a right to have MY life too. He worked in the same office with me when I was drinking and knew me very well. I am an imperfect person and only resposible for myself. It's so easy to say, but we can NOT make people change. Get over the guilt!!!! This is also easier said than done, it doesn't come easy and it will make a huge difference in your attitude and actions.</p><p></p><p>Find a sponsor and be honest with the counselors, I know that is hard to do too. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Please keep posting, this forum helps me tremedously to get through the hard spots. Some days are better than others, after all they are our children. Start exercising, meditating, reading self help books, find a hobby, stay busy. The journal does help me, hopefully it will you too. Just as we can't change others, no one can change us, it is our choice to live a better life!!!! I still have days where the stress zaps my energy, just not everyday as before.</p><p></p><p>I had thought my son was FINALLY over the **** and for a couple of years he was doing very well. AS FAR AS I KNOW!! Now he has a girlfriend wanting me to send them money monthly and I have had to call the police to stop her harrassment. It still hurts, but I am much better at 'this is his life and his choice' now. I am trying to accept that he may never change and live a productive life. She is not welcome in my home and I may not see or hear from him for a long time, he wasn't happy about the police call. We can keep hoping for the best, but YOU control your life, don't let THEM control yours. </p><p></p><p>I found an online book that is excellent, 'When Our Adult Children Dissappoint Us', I still reread passages. I have tried other forums before and people posted rude comments to others, saying they were bad parents, and other nasty stuff. I don't need someone else to beat me up, I can do that to myslef lol!!! This forum is really great!!!!</p><p></p><p>Blessings to you and yours!! just remember that no one can do it for you and you deserve better!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tiredof33, post: 498223, member: 13558"] I was in an abusive marriage and I made excuses for him for years. I know that if I had stayed with him he would have killed me. Although mine was a spouse, it is still much like yours. Sounds like your son is the same, this is his second time in jail. It is so hard to find a good counselor, but please keep trying. You have a right to a life too! If he abuses you he will probably abuse his partner too. What I was told is we 'see' what we want them to be, not as they really are. Start a journal and write down everything he has done, all the promises and the abuse. Then write down they good things he has done. Sometimes when we see it in black and white we see the reality of the situation, not what we want the situation to be. Write down what you feel and how you want your life to be like, and how it is now and what you want to change. I am so sorry that you were sober for so many years and relapsed. This does not make you a bad person, just one that is letting life stresses control you. I did not drink when I was married, but started when my son started getting into trouble in his teens, to dull the pain. I had gotten to a low point of going to work drunk. I am ashamed to admit that, but I was needed a lot of help. I had a very good job with 20+ years service and I was a very good employee! I went on dissability for about six months and that saved me and my job. I was in counseling and took an anti depressant and some 'pill' that makes you sick if you drink. IT WORKS LOL!!!! I know how difficult it is and I had problems with both of my kids. I blamed myself for the bad marriage and the father paid zero child support and drifted out of their lives. They have not seen him in over 17 years and do not know where he lives. Sadly, he will probably die and they will not know it. My 33 yo difficult child is so much like his father and I let him manipulate me through guilt. I still live one day at a time and so will you! I was a single parent for 20 years because I knew no one would put up with the **** my son did. I now have a wonderful spouse for 11 years and he helped me realize I have a right to have MY life too. He worked in the same office with me when I was drinking and knew me very well. I am an imperfect person and only resposible for myself. It's so easy to say, but we can NOT make people change. Get over the guilt!!!! This is also easier said than done, it doesn't come easy and it will make a huge difference in your attitude and actions. Find a sponsor and be honest with the counselors, I know that is hard to do too. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Please keep posting, this forum helps me tremedously to get through the hard spots. Some days are better than others, after all they are our children. Start exercising, meditating, reading self help books, find a hobby, stay busy. The journal does help me, hopefully it will you too. Just as we can't change others, no one can change us, it is our choice to live a better life!!!! I still have days where the stress zaps my energy, just not everyday as before. I had thought my son was FINALLY over the **** and for a couple of years he was doing very well. AS FAR AS I KNOW!! Now he has a girlfriend wanting me to send them money monthly and I have had to call the police to stop her harrassment. It still hurts, but I am much better at 'this is his life and his choice' now. I am trying to accept that he may never change and live a productive life. She is not welcome in my home and I may not see or hear from him for a long time, he wasn't happy about the police call. We can keep hoping for the best, but YOU control your life, don't let THEM control yours. I found an online book that is excellent, 'When Our Adult Children Dissappoint Us', I still reread passages. I have tried other forums before and people posted rude comments to others, saying they were bad parents, and other nasty stuff. I don't need someone else to beat me up, I can do that to myslef lol!!! This forum is really great!!!! Blessings to you and yours!! just remember that no one can do it for you and you deserve better!! [/QUOTE]
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