Lost my way-need advice!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by blackgnat, Jan 13, 2012.

  1. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    My son is in jail on is second domestic violence and property damage charge. I have been a real enabler and also the victim of the battery (last year i was in the ICU because he punched me and I had a bleed on the brain) I am also an alcoholic (I had 16 years of sobreity but went back in 2003) .

    It's an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy situation, but I have let him back into my house mulitple times and I don't know when he'll be getting out but I don't want him home. I feel he's one drink away from killing me. When not drunk (he has a bipolar-I think it's more Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) diagnosis) he's charming, intelligent, funny, etc. But very manipulative and conniving. Iam enmeshed with him and getting therapy to detach. My therapist doesn't seem to get that I didn't get this way overnight and 3 sessions isn't going to help me unblock these unhealthy actions.....I feel she's abandoning me and all I want to do is unlock the reasons for why I act like this and cure it so I can see my son as he really is...

    My question is-how do I find the courage to not allow him to come home? I really don't want him to-I fear he will try to kill me, though he was in rehab before he went to jail this time and seemed to really be getting it...But I don't feel safe and know that I am holding him back from being a man and infantilizing him. He knows this too, hates it, yet of course it's easy for him to live with me because I try to fix and protect him...so far it hasn't been working, obviously. His younger brother has to be my protector and Dad (ex) is 1,000 miles away and offers no emotional support.

    I know the fault lies with me for lacking the cojones to kick him out but it's at the point where I'm too scared to live with him in case he drinks, but am terrified that he'll end up on the street, commit suicide, turn to prostitution (he has had guys over in my house from craigslist and been paid for sexual favors in return for booze. I was at work at the time)

    Despite this, with my level of enmeshment, how do I say the words "You can't come home" and then live with the guilt that something horrific might happen to him? I guess what I've been doing hasn't stopped his criminal immoral behavior..my sister said he has dominated my house and changed me into a victim and a fearful dominated person. That really ISN"T me, but it's waht I've become.

    SOrry for being long and disjointed-too many thoughts are jumbling around. Any and all comments and experiences are more than welcomed. Harsh doses of reality are needed to-it's like I'm abused by my son (I truly feel it would be different and a much better outcome for me if he were a partner or husband) and have forgotten who I am and what I feel. This is NEVER what I imagined motherhood would be and it is the ANTITHESIS of how I was raised...

    thanks to any and all who reply...
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Hello - and welcome!

    How old is your son? Legally, it could make a difference. (Though I am guessing he is legally an adult?) HOWEVER - there are several of us here who have had to refuse to bring minor children home. So, you have definitely found the right place!

    I agree that you need to find a new therapist. Anyone who pushes for a quick fix to a longstanding problem doesn't get it. And - part of you clearly DOES see your son as he is. I can't say what the reasons are for the way you act/feel, but as a victim of DV myself from my child, one of the biggest things you think is, "I'm supposed to take care of THEM, what happened?" And we try to fix them. We can't. It's hard to step back and say, "I can't do this. HE has to fix himself."

    It's difficult NOT to blame yourself. But you have seen the enabling, and want to stop doing it. Again, not easy. Finding the courage - well, I'm struggling with a courage thing myself right now, but there is a seed somewhere in there - because you're here asking for help. You fear he will try to kill you. Find a DV shelter, and ask for help. They WILL give you ideas and pointers.

    As for fearing his actions will harm him? Well... If he is indeed an adult, his choices have to result in consequences. If you are afraid of him, and it sounds like you are, you MUST let him make his own bad (and good) choices.

    One thing you said: "it's like I'm abused by my son" - you ARE abused, if you ended up in ICU at his hands. And no, none of us imagine motherhood to be like this. Never. And... The younger son is at risk too... He needs protection just as much as you do.

    Others will be along soon, with more insight... I just wanted to welcome you!
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I am so sorry you are going through this - but it sounds as though keeping him out is the right thing to do. Follow your head, please

    I find these commandments helpful and they remind me of what I need to do - not only for myself but for my younger kids as well. I also think you should get in touch with a woman's abuse hotline for practical tips . {hugs}

    Parents "Ten Commandments" for Breaking the Enabling Cycle

    If you're enabling your adult child, Allison Bottke's "ten commandments" could help you break that negative pattern.

    1. You shall take care of your own spiritual, mental, physical, emotional and financial health.
    2. You shall remember to express love and attention to your spouse and other family members and friends in addition to your troubled adult child.
    3. You shall not accept excuses.
    4. You shall understand that a clear definition of right and wrong is imperative for a disciplined society. There is no room for gray. Don't make excuses for what you believe.
    5. You shall make fact-based judgments without excuse, and feel okay doing so.
    6. You shall uphold standards of behavior that protect your morals, values and integrity.
    7. You shall give your adult child unconditional love and support without meddling and without money.
    8. You shall listen to music and read books that will focus your mind on your HP.
    9. You shall celebrate life and love as often as possible, even in times of trouble.
    10. You shall consistently practice the six steps to SANITY:

    S = Stop enabling, stop blaming yourself, and stop the flow of money
    A = Assemble a support group
    N = Nip excuses in the bud
    I = Implement boundaries
    T = Trust your instincts
    Y = Yield everything to God.

    Adapted from Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child Study Guide. Copyright © 2008 by Allison Bottke.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Please...don't bring him back in the house, no matter how old he is. He WILL kill you. The injury he gave you was soooooo serious. I have no other advice. He is probably old enough that the only one who can help him is himself. I do not think this is your fault...I am sure you never told him to drink or beat you or anybody up. In a way, it's genes and luck of the draw. But, please, try to take care of yourself and change the locks. And you say the words this way, maybe with a beloved person holding your hand: "You can not come home." Do you other children? A beloved relative or friend? A clergyman? Anybody willing to hold your hand to give you the strength to say it?

    If you go to AA meetings, please keep going. I'd also go to Al-Anon because you are also on the other side. You DO need a lot of help...a longterm therapist as well as the self-help groups. And we are here to listen to you whenever you need to vent.

    Hugs and please take care of yourself.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome! I'm so sorry that you are in such pain. Truthfully I have never dealt with DV so I am not an expert nor can I use personal examples of correct methods to use. All I can do is guess..not exactly what you need at this point, lol.

    From an outside perspective I absolutely agree that you need long term therapy as your issues have been bubbling for years. Are you using a DV counseling resource or an independent one? I would think the DV people would understand more but, of course, don't know for sure. There are no quick fixes for sure.

    Although this input is generic I would think that you and your younger son need to have a united front to improve your future. He, no doubt, needs counseling also. in my humble opinion I think the two of your need to make a pact to change your lifestyle to a healthy one..together. If you both seek outside help and decide to "bite the bullet" and embrace health and peace I believe it will be much easier to let your son know why he is in jail that now is the time for him to plan his future as an adult. That way he will have time to analyze his past behaviors and accept that he is responsible for his future course. By seeking counsel and by studying "Detachment" (there is info on the Board that many of us have used to help separate from our kids behaviors) you are far more likely to be able to move on.

    Once "coming home again" is off the table, you and your younger son seek help and reach agreement, you will likely feel strong enough to return to AA and your son can attend Alanon so you can both practice the tenets of the Serenity Prayer. Many of us repeat that daily..even those of us how have no alcohol issues. It simplifies choices and offers the chance of living a serene life. Sending caring hugs your way. DDD
  6. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thank you so much for all the wonderful and supportive replies. We both need help but I think it's very unhealthy for us to live together. I love him very much and my mother heart tells me I need to make sure he is okay, but again, the person he become when he drinks is not the one I love . I'm sure family counselling, done in a VERY truthful way (i used to lie to counsellors to cover and protect him-ugh....unbelievable!) would be beneficial, but he needs to find his own way and become a man who copes with life's problems in a productive way and not rely on me to haul him out of unpleasant or dangerous situations. I think he has a true fear of abandonment and the unhealthy part of me is tortured that I am doing this very thing to him. I'm ignoring the danger. I think probably DV counselling would be very good for me and of course, complete abstinence from alcohol....

    As I type this, I realise that I again am focussing so much on HIS problems instead of trying to make myself healthy....wish I could unlock the key that makes my brain follow these thought patterns. I did grow up with a schizophrenic brother and perhaps my actions reflect this, the coping skils I had to practice as a teeenager and of course the inevitable sinking into the bottle to escape the horrors at home. And here history seems to be repeating itself!

    Despite this, I really am a happy person, optimistic, resilient, kind, loving with a great sense of humour and care for others-not bigging myself up here,, just don't want to come across as a complete sad sack! Lots of faults too, of course! My home is in foreclosure and I have a lot of stressors so maybe I just need to address what I can and leave the rest to the powers that be...

    Again, thanks for all replies and support! Worth their weight in gold!
  7. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to the CD community! I may have missed it but did you say how old your son is? How old is your younger son?

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello blackgnat. I am so sorry you have to find our board under such bad circumstances.

    I want to say some prophetic words that will help you but I really dont have any. I can tell you that I have felt like you for various reasons over the years. No my son never physically abused me but he knew how to manipulate me so I became completely enmeshed with him and it became a really twisted thing where when he was happy, I was happy and when he wasnt- neither was I. I had to work on fixing that. It wasnt easy by any means. He sure didnt like it!

    You simply cannot let anyone back into your home that has abused you. That is a given. Doesnt matter if that person is your partner, parent, child, or a stranger. You press charges and you get an order of protection to tell him he cant come back there.

    Both me and my son are bipolar and I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It doesnt give us a pass on acting like this. Actually neither of us are this violent.

    As far as how to tell him..do it while he is in jail so if he goes off, it is while he is locked up. Make sure he fully understands that he cannot come home and you can have the domestic violence people help you file the order of protection. Then make sure that you have changed all your locks. Dont go anywhere without a cell phone on you. If he tries to break into your home, call the cops. Tell the cops when he gets out that you would like them to do extra drive by's just to keep your mind at ease. If he comes out of jail he should be either on bail or on ROR and if he attempts to contact you he will go back to jail. After that, you really need to work with a good therapist who understands what it means to be a victim of abuse. It really matters not who has done the abuse to you. Many people have looked at me skeptically when I have said that my mother abused me sexually. That sounds strange I guess. I actually didnt consider it sexual abuse myself until I had a therapist sit me down and tell me that what she did was wrong and considered sexual abuse. If a man had done it to me he would have been under the jail. You need a therapist like that.
  9. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I was in an abusive marriage and I made excuses for him for years. I know that if I had stayed with him he would have killed me. Although mine was a spouse, it is still much like yours.

    Sounds like your son is the same, this is his second time in jail. It is so hard to find a good counselor, but please keep trying. You have a right to a life too! If he abuses you he will probably abuse his partner too.

    What I was told is we 'see' what we want them to be, not as they really are. Start a journal and write down everything he has done, all the promises and the abuse. Then write down they good things he has done. Sometimes when we see it in black and white we see the reality of the situation, not what we want the situation to be. Write down what you feel and how you want your life to be like, and how it is now and what you want to change.

    I am so sorry that you were sober for so many years and relapsed. This does not make you a bad person, just one that is letting life stresses control you. I did not drink when I was married, but started when my son started getting into trouble in his teens, to dull the pain. I had gotten to a low point of going to work drunk. I am ashamed to admit that, but I was needed a lot of help. I had a very good job with 20+ years service and I was a very good employee! I went on dissability for about six months and that saved me and my job. I was in counseling and took an anti depressant and some 'pill' that makes you sick if you drink. IT WORKS LOL!!!!

    I know how difficult it is and I had problems with both of my kids. I blamed myself for the bad marriage and the father paid zero child support and drifted out of their lives. They have not seen him in over 17 years and do not know where he lives. Sadly, he will probably die and they will not know it.

    My 33 yo difficult child is so much like his father and I let him manipulate me through guilt. I still live one day at a time and so will you! I was a single parent for 20 years because I knew no one would put up with the **** my son did.

    I now have a wonderful spouse for 11 years and he helped me realize I have a right to have MY life too. He worked in the same office with me when I was drinking and knew me very well. I am an imperfect person and only resposible for myself. It's so easy to say, but we can NOT make people change. Get over the guilt!!!! This is also easier said than done, it doesn't come easy and it will make a huge difference in your attitude and actions.

    Find a sponsor and be honest with the counselors, I know that is hard to do too. Take care of yourself, you deserve it. Please keep posting, this forum helps me tremedously to get through the hard spots. Some days are better than others, after all they are our children. Start exercising, meditating, reading self help books, find a hobby, stay busy. The journal does help me, hopefully it will you too. Just as we can't change others, no one can change us, it is our choice to live a better life!!!! I still have days where the stress zaps my energy, just not everyday as before.

    I had thought my son was FINALLY over the **** and for a couple of years he was doing very well. AS FAR AS I KNOW!! Now he has a girlfriend wanting me to send them money monthly and I have had to call the police to stop her harrassment. It still hurts, but I am much better at 'this is his life and his choice' now. I am trying to accept that he may never change and live a productive life. She is not welcome in my home and I may not see or hear from him for a long time, he wasn't happy about the police call. We can keep hoping for the best, but YOU control your life, don't let THEM control yours.

    I found an online book that is excellent, 'When Our Adult Children Dissappoint Us', I still reread passages. I have tried other forums before and people posted rude comments to others, saying they were bad parents, and other nasty stuff. I don't need someone else to beat me up, I can do that to myslef lol!!! This forum is really great!!!!

    Blessings to you and yours!! just remember that no one can do it for you and you deserve better!!
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2012
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Are you in recovery and do you have a sponsor? You should not let him back in your house and you should ask his PO if they can send hi to a halfway house upon his release. He needs to grow up and take care of himself and if something happens to him it is not your fault or your responsibility.

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with so many serious struggles. I think if you took care of yourself and learned that you deserve to have a better life, many other things wouldfall into place.

  11. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    No I am in not in recovery or treatment. I was abstinent for 16 years but did it alone, with about 3 month of Antabuse.

    Saturday I got some letters from the state attorney's office and it seems my son is doing a pretrial. I suspect that he plead not guilty to the DV charges because they upped it to a felony. The idea of him going to prison is my worst nightmare and it is his, too. I am so upset that I can't think straight.

    Has anyone else had this experience with a child or a partner? I can't seem to get my head around the idea that he is my child who needs a chance (though in honesty, he has had plenty of them....) and not this monster who calls me a b**ch and a f*****g c**t when he is drunk. I can't decide whether he loves me or hates me. I can't find the courage to tell him he can't live with me. And now I can't bear the idea that he might go to prison....I'm so messed up.

    Can someone give me a really big reality check and help me see how it's UNCONSCIONABLE to hit anyone, least of all your own mother, who has been your lifeline? I understand these laws are put in place for people who live in terror (and I have been there myself) but it seems extreme .

    Believe me I know ow I'm sounding-I'm just processing as I type. Just absolutely lost.
  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I can. My son broke my rib in a drug induced rage. He was 18 at the time. He has not lived with me since. That said, even after the assault and months of being called evey name in the book by him, having my reputation destroyed by his lies with-in our community, and having my possessions stolen and property destroyed I helped him. I got him a therapist and an attorney which I paid for. I got him court ordered into treatment, which he walked away from. I got him into another program which he did not complete. More programs all to no avail. I finally, with alot of co dependant recovery work realized that I could not help someone who would not help themselves. I learned that it was OK to live my life free of abuse and seek my own happiness.

    As for him? My difficult child continues to be violent with whoever he happened to be living with. He has a second assault charge though there have been more. He also has several burgleries, a DWI and an unauthorized use of a motor vihicle. He is now in jail, possibly for 7 years, as a result of one of his drunken rages. I write him occasionally and I take the occasional phone call. I do not feel any obligation to help him in any way. I suggest that you go to both AA meetings and Coda meetings. You are not just an alcoholic you are also a co-dependant. You cannot recover from this on your own.
  13. blackgnat

    blackgnat Active Member

    Thanks, rejectedmom-it really helps and resonates with me that you tried so many thing with your son-I've done exactly the same types of things and have to accept that nothing really worked. He's gonna be who he's gonna be and come to his own realisations, as harsh as they may be.

    It just hurts so much.

    He is 23 by the way and my younger son will be 21 in March.
  14. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Also, read this:
    Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM

    Let it sink in, then re-read it.

    My therapist has a saying, when I am becoming too enmeshed in Youngest's problems again. She says, "you're working harder than she is." And she's right. This is his problem to solve, not yours. Why should you help him over and over, or even make suggestions to him, draining your emotional, physical and financial resources, when he's not willing to do any of the work? You have your own life to live, your own recovery to work on. You can't help him change this, only he can do that. And you *must* protect yourself.

    I know it hurts, it just breaks your heart. It feels unnatural to walk away from your child when he's in "need." But it's absolutely necessary sometimes. Dion't go through it alone. please keep posting here, but also, find a support group and/or therapist for yourself. It takes a lot of work to get through it, and is a process.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your son is an adult who has made adult choices. He does not have the right to be violent with you or anyone else. It is not an excuse that he is an addict. He is where he belongs because he has broken society's rules. I understand he is your son and you will always love him and want to help him but you are not helping him by making excuses for him and letting him come back to abuse you again. One thing I learned in my difficult child's rehab is that we can love our addicts to death. We can love them so much that we stand in their way of getting treatment.

    You have been through AA so you know the drill. Have any of those recovering addicts gotten better because they did not have to face the consequences of their behavior? If you allow him to come back home he will be violent again and next time you may be seriously hurt or worse. Please get back into AA and get a sponsor so they can help you deal with this. I am not trying to be harsh but you asked for a reality check and the reality of this is that he is not going to change if you allow him to continue with his addiction in your home.

    Go to the Substance Abuse forum and read some of the stories. We have all had to make that very difficult decision and draw that line in the sand with our loved ones. It's not easy but it's a matter of life and death.

  16. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sending lots of hugs. You have gotten awesome advice.

    PLEASE go to aa meetings. It is HARD. You can do it though. You did it before and that doesn't make it easier but it does let you know that it is POSSIBLE.

    PLEASE call or go to the local Domestic Violence office and make an appointment to talk to someone. Then keep that appointment. If you can't get that first appointment before your son is released, tell them that your abuser is in jail but will be out and you need help NOW to figure out how to apply for the order of protection.

    You would not let some stranger treat a DOG the way your son is treating you. You have to figure out why you are letting him treat you this way. You have to figure out how to detach in a healthy way. Use the courts to help by putting that order of protection between you. It isn't that you want him in jail. It is that you want him to go and figure out how to solve his problems, you want to live a life free of abuse of self and abuse from others, you want the same for him but you know that YOU are powerless to help him that way. Only he has that power. You have to end his power over you. Kicking him out will FEEL like an unloving and selfish act. Reality is that it is a VERY loving act - and I don't give a hoot what others tell you. I know I am right. I know that until you love him enough to make him live the uncomfortable, painful life of his choices of violence and addiction, he won't change. You must love him enough to set limits and to make him feel the pain. That pain will be the ONLY thing that will get him to agree to change and to stick wtih that decision through the awful detox period and the even harder period of choosing every day to be sober and drug free.

    To ANYONE who tells you that you should take him home, that you are not loving, that you are mean, etc..... I want you to have a picture of a 10 foot tall Bill the Cat sticking hsi tongue out and saying "ACK. PHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!" so loud that you cannot hear their stupidity. Yup. I know how odd that picture in your head will be. It will be distracting. Maybe even childish. It will distract you from the stupidity they are spewing. They want so bad for you to take him home? Why you? Why not them? Why should they not live with a full grown adult size toddler having a rage because he cannot get to their medications/booze/drug of choice? Why don't THEY take him and let him beat them for a while? I am pretty sure they won't think much of that idea. So they need to shut. up.

    I know that is blunt. I also know there are a LOT of stupid people out there. Lots of them have college degrees and are working as psychologists. It doesn't make them not stupid. It makes them educated stupid. It also doesn't mean you should listen to them. be super choosy about the tdocs you work with. You want someone who has worked with addiction, family violence, and common sense. I was lucky because in high school I realized that this super messed up kid I knew was the child of a psychologist who wrote textbooks including one on how to parent teens. This boy was way past messed up - he was dumb enough to stalk the daughter of a state trooper and to fill his room with photos of her he took when she didn't know - from cameras he bought with his moms credit card and hid in her bedroom and from telephoto lenses that he put up to their home. WHen his home was raided the cops were sickened. It was BAD. His mother actually tried to tell the judge that she knew he was healthy and this was just a healthy teenage relationship. The judge had her put under professional supervision and got the local university to stop letting her supervise grad students who were doing therapy because she was just so far from healthy in every way. He was able to do that because seh went and got in his face in the court and had to be restrained and sent to a psychiatric hospital because she insisted her son was fine and perfect and it was the girl's fault.

    I learned then that many people are attracted to the field of psychology as a profession because they are really messed up and need help - but they don't always get it or accept it.
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Blackgnat....First off hugs... it is an awful position to be in to have your son abusing you while you just love him and want to help him. I do know something about DV and I can tell you that many more people deal with DV from their children than anyone is aware of. There are many people that go to court and have to get restraining orders against their children and it is just heartbreaking... much much harder than getting one against a spouse. So you are not alone on that score and yes I agree calling a DV agency is a good idea.

    And as others have said, your first order of business is to find recovery for yourself. So yes get to AA to help with your own addiction. Get counseling to figure out how to let go of your son and let him find his own way. Alanon can be a huge help especially if you can find a parents group and meet other parents (live) who area also facing this.

    As far as telling your son not to live with you. It is plain and simple... it is dangerous for him to live with you. For you and also for him. You do not want him to have more assault (or worse) charges against him and that is very likely if he comes back home. The other thing is by letting him come back after he badly assaulted you is sending him a message that what he did was not so bad and at some level is acceptable. I know you don't feel it is... but that is the message you give him if you let him come home.

    And I know prison seems like the worst thing a mother can bear... I had a very very hard time when my son (19 at the time) spent two weeks in jail. But it is not the worst thing... at least there they are alive and getting fed and have a place to sleep. Hopefully when he gets out they will work with him on finding a halfway house or some other place to go other than home. I would tell him while he is in jail and has some time left, that home is not an option. Just not an option... there should be a case manager at the prison to help him figure out options from there.

    I have posted more over in the substance abuse forum... but I just got through a week of letting my son live on the street and sleep on the beach until he could get himself back into the sober house he got kicked out of. It was hard, very hard, but I realized if I rescued him again from his mistake and relapse it would just happen again. So I did not. And I will also admit I did not start off in this place... it took some work and time and counseling and alanon to get to the place where i could do it. However my son did make it back to the sober house and so now it is absolutely clear to me it was the right thing to do.

  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello. I relate strongly to your words. My daughter is presently in jail, homeless, angry and alone. It's a mothers nightmare, I understand where you are, and yes, it is the hardest thing to go through. Not one of us ever thought this would be the outcome for our children, our precious babies. But, they are not our babies anymore, they are adults making choices, making bad choices because of drugs or mental illness or addictions, but bad choices nonetheless. You are a person deserving of safety, peace, love, success, joy, health and a life of fulfillment. You do not deserve this. I enabled my daughter too, I felt guilty for her choices, I've paid huge prices for the life she has chosen. My therapist told me the opportunity to let go comes quickly usually, a moment comes, you see it all clearly, you shift some internal belief and you're in a different place. That's how it happened for me. It sounds as if you are very close the that place, just in need of some energy to kick you over the edge and here we are kicking you over the edge. You have to keep yourself safe for yourself first and foremost, and then for your younger son, he doesn't deserve this either. I've learned that codependency is a "trance" that we all go into, you need to break that trance, I had to do that too. As soon as I heard that word, I knew that was the truth, so recognize that, and when you have to deal with him again, DO NOT go into that trance, stay awake, make a different choice, He has to be kept away from you, and your other son. And, I agree with others too, you may consider getting into CoDa and AA and get a sponsor, I have so much help now, I need it to stay out of the trance, to keep strong, to do this terrifyingly difficult thing, to allow my daughter to stay in jail when I could bail her out, but I am not. Why? Because all the enabling did not help at all. Because she has to stand up for herself now, maybe that will make her grow up and face life. Because I have a granddaughter who needs me whole and complete to be there for her. Because I have to love my daughter enough to let her go into her own life, not the life I think she should have. Because I love myself. Because it feels right. Because sometimes it's simply time to let go. My heart hurts for you, but I also think you are at a crossroads, like I have just been, and you know it on some level, you just need some support to make the choice you already seem to have made internally, but you haven't yet done it out here in the real world. But, you know in your heart, it's time. I knew too. I am sending you hugs, prayers, kind thoughts and another wounded mothers very best wishes for your heart to heal. You are on the right track talking to the right people, trust your instincts, trust your heart, you know what to do. We all know what to do, its doing it that's the heart-breaker. You're strong, you know what the right thing to do for you and your younger child is. God Bless you.
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    This is so true for many of us. For me it was when my son punched his girlfriend and broke her nose. She was a mother to a 2yr old girl who I believe was in her custody. I was so disgusted that he would do this to another woman and a young mother. (Esecially since I rescued him form an abusive homelife as a foster child). I was so upset that her little girl might have seen it or heard it happen. So upset that at the very least that baby would see her poor mother's battered face. I realized then that difficult child#2 needed to experience the full consequences of his terrible choices. I have not helped him since. Perhaps in the future when he is out of prison and truly trying to be a beter person rather than just doing the minimum for the maximum benifit I will feel differently. I do hope that time comes but if it doesn't...I can remain detached.
  20. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Yes - mine was the first time Onyxx attacked me. husband's was the day she accused her "favorite" cousin of molesting her. (husband lived through more than 8 separate investigations for similar, alleged by bio - that was HIS final straw for that reason.)

    There is a moment of perfect clarity - it's what you do with it that matters.