blackgnat
Active Member
My son is in jail on is second domestic violence and property damage charge. I have been a real enabler and also the victim of the battery (last year i was in the ICU because he punched me and I had a bleed on the brain) I am also an alcoholic (I had 16 years of sobreity but went back in 2003) .
It's an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy situation, but I have let him back into my house mulitple times and I don't know when he'll be getting out but I don't want him home. I feel he's one drink away from killing me. When not drunk (he has a bipolar-I think it's more Borderline (BPD) diagnosis) he's charming, intelligent, funny, etc. But very manipulative and conniving. Iam enmeshed with him and getting therapy to detach. My therapist doesn't seem to get that I didn't get this way overnight and 3 sessions isn't going to help me unblock these unhealthy actions.....I feel she's abandoning me and all I want to do is unlock the reasons for why I act like this and cure it so I can see my son as he really is...
My question is-how do I find the courage to not allow him to come home? I really don't want him to-I fear he will try to kill me, though he was in rehab before he went to jail this time and seemed to really be getting it...But I don't feel safe and know that I am holding him back from being a man and infantilizing him. He knows this too, hates it, yet of course it's easy for him to live with me because I try to fix and protect him...so far it hasn't been working, obviously. His younger brother has to be my protector and Dad (ex) is 1,000 miles away and offers no emotional support.
I know the fault lies with me for lacking the cojones to kick him out but it's at the point where I'm too scared to live with him in case he drinks, but am terrified that he'll end up on the street, commit suicide, turn to prostitution (he has had guys over in my house from craigslist and been paid for sexual favors in return for booze. I was at work at the time)
Despite this, with my level of enmeshment, how do I say the words "You can't come home" and then live with the guilt that something horrific might happen to him? I guess what I've been doing hasn't stopped his criminal immoral behavior..my sister said he has dominated my house and changed me into a victim and a fearful dominated person. That really ISN"T me, but it's waht I've become.
SOrry for being long and disjointed-too many thoughts are jumbling around. Any and all comments and experiences are more than welcomed. Harsh doses of reality are needed to-it's like I'm abused by my son (I truly feel it would be different and a much better outcome for me if he were a partner or husband) and have forgotten who I am and what I feel. This is NEVER what I imagined motherhood would be and it is the ANTITHESIS of how I was raised...
thanks to any and all who reply...
It's an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy situation, but I have let him back into my house mulitple times and I don't know when he'll be getting out but I don't want him home. I feel he's one drink away from killing me. When not drunk (he has a bipolar-I think it's more Borderline (BPD) diagnosis) he's charming, intelligent, funny, etc. But very manipulative and conniving. Iam enmeshed with him and getting therapy to detach. My therapist doesn't seem to get that I didn't get this way overnight and 3 sessions isn't going to help me unblock these unhealthy actions.....I feel she's abandoning me and all I want to do is unlock the reasons for why I act like this and cure it so I can see my son as he really is...
My question is-how do I find the courage to not allow him to come home? I really don't want him to-I fear he will try to kill me, though he was in rehab before he went to jail this time and seemed to really be getting it...But I don't feel safe and know that I am holding him back from being a man and infantilizing him. He knows this too, hates it, yet of course it's easy for him to live with me because I try to fix and protect him...so far it hasn't been working, obviously. His younger brother has to be my protector and Dad (ex) is 1,000 miles away and offers no emotional support.
I know the fault lies with me for lacking the cojones to kick him out but it's at the point where I'm too scared to live with him in case he drinks, but am terrified that he'll end up on the street, commit suicide, turn to prostitution (he has had guys over in my house from craigslist and been paid for sexual favors in return for booze. I was at work at the time)
Despite this, with my level of enmeshment, how do I say the words "You can't come home" and then live with the guilt that something horrific might happen to him? I guess what I've been doing hasn't stopped his criminal immoral behavior..my sister said he has dominated my house and changed me into a victim and a fearful dominated person. That really ISN"T me, but it's waht I've become.
SOrry for being long and disjointed-too many thoughts are jumbling around. Any and all comments and experiences are more than welcomed. Harsh doses of reality are needed to-it's like I'm abused by my son (I truly feel it would be different and a much better outcome for me if he were a partner or husband) and have forgotten who I am and what I feel. This is NEVER what I imagined motherhood would be and it is the ANTITHESIS of how I was raised...
thanks to any and all who reply...