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Manipulation?
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 363606" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Wiz adored manipulations like this. Actually would plan how to use them if we did this or that. Had a notebook FULL of scenarios at one point. Considering his dysgraphia and how much he has always said writing even a few sentences hurts his hand, seeing it all on paper was mindboggling. It also pulled me WAY away from the "aspies don't really understand emotions and have to be taught how to identify them". he is aspie but he is NOT unable to identify and use emotions. (It ended his "it hurts too much to write all that" homework excuse also.) Even his psychiatrist and tdocs were floored by the manipulation and planning evident in his notebook.</p><p></p><p>When he was in the psychiatric hospital for the long stay they allowed zero justification or rationalizing. I only did it because...., If you hadn't......, etc just were not allowed. It worked very well at home also. It was hard to train the adults to stay out of it, to not get pulled in, but it ended a lot of it. All I ever said was "Justification" and if he didn't stop I gave him something to scrub or dig or boxes to move. Some very physical task. </p><p></p><p>Manster needs to be clearly told that he is not allowed to comment on your relationship with husband. I would probably tell him that you do love husband differently. I would also tell him that he is very well aware that you do not hate him. children who are hated are beaten, abused, starved, locked in closets for long periods of time, and are NEVER given toys, outings, things they like, etc.... Tell him that from this point forward if he accuses you of hating him or makes himself the victim that way then he will get chores to do until he stops trying to emotionally abuse and blackmail you.</p><p></p><p>Cause that is what it is. Emotional abuse and blackmail. </p><p></p><p>One technique that works well is similar to what Beth suggested. It is the broken record. You cannot play with water in the house. It must be hard to think that. You cannot play with water in the house. I hate you. It must be hard to think that. You still cannot play with water in the house.</p><p></p><p>Just pick a phrase like "that must be hard" or "It must be hard to think that" and use it no matter what ridiculous thing he accuses you of. The statement should be something that comes naturally to you. In the seminar where I heard this (Love and logic seminar with Dr. Fay) he said that the phrase needs to fit your personality. One coach in New York even used "Svcks to be you, huh?" Does not feed the drama. Does not tell them they are right or wrong because they already know it isn't true. They are trying to fool YOU, not themselves. </p><p></p><p>What ever my kids said, I have let them ALL know that this family does not use the word stupid and we do not hate. They do not have to love me. But they cannot tell me they hate me. they can dislike what I do, but not me. I simply will stop whatever it is that they want me to do if they tell me I hate them. Trip somewhere? You don't go because you go home if you hate me. I don't take haters anywhere or do anything for them. NOTHING. Even at age 8 Wiz was able to grasp that he was not ever allowed to use that word. If we were going to do something he didn't want to do and he tried it then he had to go and do it for a longer period of time. I even told him that because he hates me I don't have to cut my trip here to the minimum. Instead of being in and out, we would be in for an extra ten or twenty minutes. Period. </p><p></p><p>You may want to consider doing that with Manster also. Hate is something very few people really feel. I never felt it did anyone any benefit to be able to exaggerate bad feelings. </p><p></p><p>I am sorry he is trying to manipulate you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 363606, member: 1233"] Wiz adored manipulations like this. Actually would plan how to use them if we did this or that. Had a notebook FULL of scenarios at one point. Considering his dysgraphia and how much he has always said writing even a few sentences hurts his hand, seeing it all on paper was mindboggling. It also pulled me WAY away from the "aspies don't really understand emotions and have to be taught how to identify them". he is aspie but he is NOT unable to identify and use emotions. (It ended his "it hurts too much to write all that" homework excuse also.) Even his psychiatrist and tdocs were floored by the manipulation and planning evident in his notebook. When he was in the psychiatric hospital for the long stay they allowed zero justification or rationalizing. I only did it because...., If you hadn't......, etc just were not allowed. It worked very well at home also. It was hard to train the adults to stay out of it, to not get pulled in, but it ended a lot of it. All I ever said was "Justification" and if he didn't stop I gave him something to scrub or dig or boxes to move. Some very physical task. Manster needs to be clearly told that he is not allowed to comment on your relationship with husband. I would probably tell him that you do love husband differently. I would also tell him that he is very well aware that you do not hate him. children who are hated are beaten, abused, starved, locked in closets for long periods of time, and are NEVER given toys, outings, things they like, etc.... Tell him that from this point forward if he accuses you of hating him or makes himself the victim that way then he will get chores to do until he stops trying to emotionally abuse and blackmail you. Cause that is what it is. Emotional abuse and blackmail. One technique that works well is similar to what Beth suggested. It is the broken record. You cannot play with water in the house. It must be hard to think that. You cannot play with water in the house. I hate you. It must be hard to think that. You still cannot play with water in the house. Just pick a phrase like "that must be hard" or "It must be hard to think that" and use it no matter what ridiculous thing he accuses you of. The statement should be something that comes naturally to you. In the seminar where I heard this (Love and logic seminar with Dr. Fay) he said that the phrase needs to fit your personality. One coach in New York even used "Svcks to be you, huh?" Does not feed the drama. Does not tell them they are right or wrong because they already know it isn't true. They are trying to fool YOU, not themselves. What ever my kids said, I have let them ALL know that this family does not use the word stupid and we do not hate. They do not have to love me. But they cannot tell me they hate me. they can dislike what I do, but not me. I simply will stop whatever it is that they want me to do if they tell me I hate them. Trip somewhere? You don't go because you go home if you hate me. I don't take haters anywhere or do anything for them. NOTHING. Even at age 8 Wiz was able to grasp that he was not ever allowed to use that word. If we were going to do something he didn't want to do and he tried it then he had to go and do it for a longer period of time. I even told him that because he hates me I don't have to cut my trip here to the minimum. Instead of being in and out, we would be in for an extra ten or twenty minutes. Period. You may want to consider doing that with Manster also. Hate is something very few people really feel. I never felt it did anyone any benefit to be able to exaggerate bad feelings. I am sorry he is trying to manipulate you. [/QUOTE]
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