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<blockquote data-quote="hearts and roses" data-source="post: 435605" data-attributes="member: 2211"><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">I was married, had two girls, got divorced (mainly for other reasons not related directly to the children) and then I did remarry. That has been a challenge over the years, sometimes directly related to the kids and other times not.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">H being a step parent presents a slightly different situation, though, the girls were fairly young and they had known him all their lives and before we were married, we discussed that his role would definitely include being my partner in parenting the girls, which for the most part he took on wholeheartedly. He has been a very good dad to them, moreso than their bio dad.</span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">That said, the No. 1 thing I would change if I could go back in time is that I would make sure that H and I had an agreement in place to stand united in front of the children and ALWAYS take time to discuss any and ALL issues so we can agree or compromise or agree to disagree but go with one or the other's approach - of course it depends on each individual situation or issue. And sometimes, there is no time to discuss things that just pop up. </span></p><p></p><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">One thing in particular I am thinking of is how I undermined his authority at times when I shouldn't have. Instead of following his lead, I would often immediately jump in and take over, rather than allowing him the opportunity to do it his way or be a parent. I don't think I ever actually thought in my head, "these are MY kids" but I think that may have been an underlying motivator for me...in that the responsibility should be mine or that he wasn't experienced enough. Also in particular, when mine were in their early to mid teen years, I definitely should have allowed him to have more say and kept my mouth shut. I think if I had done that, it would have nipped some of my difficult child's disrespectful attitude towards H in the bud to a degree. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">The bottom line is that I think I should have shown H more respect as my co-parent by allowing him to actually do more of the parenting, EVEN if it wasn't the way I would have done it or even if his approach was different than mine. I think, in retrospect, that children should see their parents work together more and support one another when it comes to parenting and they should also see that each parent has a different approach to certain things and that they cannot use that fact to work one against the other. </span></p><p> </p><p><span style="color: darkslateblue">My H and I weathered it. At times it felt like we were strangers and at other times, we were one another's rock. There were times when I thought it would be easier to be a single parent because then I could just do it my way. And there were times when I was petrified that H would leave me for real over some of the difficult child stuff as well as the typical teen stuff. We are only just now getting to a point where he is mellowing, the girls (adults) are rarely around and we're all closer than ever. Yours are still tiny, so you've a long way to go, but it may be wise to seek out some type of family counseling to help you both get on the same page so everytime something happens you're not at one another's throats over it. H and I did benefit from some family counseling off and on over the years to deal with issues about being a step family as well as difficult child issues. Hugs~</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="hearts and roses, post: 435605, member: 2211"] [COLOR=darkslateblue]I was married, had two girls, got divorced (mainly for other reasons not related directly to the children) and then I did remarry. That has been a challenge over the years, sometimes directly related to the kids and other times not.[/COLOR] [COLOR=darkslateblue]H being a step parent presents a slightly different situation, though, the girls were fairly young and they had known him all their lives and before we were married, we discussed that his role would definitely include being my partner in parenting the girls, which for the most part he took on wholeheartedly. He has been a very good dad to them, moreso than their bio dad.[/COLOR] [COLOR=darkslateblue]That said, the No. 1 thing I would change if I could go back in time is that I would make sure that H and I had an agreement in place to stand united in front of the children and ALWAYS take time to discuss any and ALL issues so we can agree or compromise or agree to disagree but go with one or the other's approach - of course it depends on each individual situation or issue. And sometimes, there is no time to discuss things that just pop up. [/COLOR] [COLOR=darkslateblue]One thing in particular I am thinking of is how I undermined his authority at times when I shouldn't have. Instead of following his lead, I would often immediately jump in and take over, rather than allowing him the opportunity to do it his way or be a parent. I don't think I ever actually thought in my head, "these are MY kids" but I think that may have been an underlying motivator for me...in that the responsibility should be mine or that he wasn't experienced enough. Also in particular, when mine were in their early to mid teen years, I definitely should have allowed him to have more say and kept my mouth shut. I think if I had done that, it would have nipped some of my difficult child's disrespectful attitude towards H in the bud to a degree. [/COLOR] [COLOR=darkslateblue]The bottom line is that I think I should have shown H more respect as my co-parent by allowing him to actually do more of the parenting, EVEN if it wasn't the way I would have done it or even if his approach was different than mine. I think, in retrospect, that children should see their parents work together more and support one another when it comes to parenting and they should also see that each parent has a different approach to certain things and that they cannot use that fact to work one against the other. [/COLOR] [COLOR=darkslateblue]My H and I weathered it. At times it felt like we were strangers and at other times, we were one another's rock. There were times when I thought it would be easier to be a single parent because then I could just do it my way. And there were times when I was petrified that H would leave me for real over some of the difficult child stuff as well as the typical teen stuff. We are only just now getting to a point where he is mellowing, the girls (adults) are rarely around and we're all closer than ever. Yours are still tiny, so you've a long way to go, but it may be wise to seek out some type of family counseling to help you both get on the same page so everytime something happens you're not at one another's throats over it. H and I did benefit from some family counseling off and on over the years to deal with issues about being a step family as well as difficult child issues. Hugs~[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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