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<blockquote data-quote="AnnieO" data-source="post: 435606" data-attributes="member: 6705"><p>Wow.</p><p> </p><p>I'm husband's 3rd wife. Onyxx and Jett are from the 2nd marriage; M, who's on his way to our house right now with husband, is from the first.</p><p> </p><p>Honestly - there have been a lot of times that I have wanted to tell him, re Onyxx - it's her or me!!!</p><p> </p><p>I'm glad I haven't. I know, deep down, that husband loves me, and I know I love him. We have different parenting styles - partially because he was Disneyland Dad when I met him. He never knew if and when he would see the kids, so he spoiled them. I worked with him to get him out of that. But - that is NOT what caused the problems.</p><p> </p><p>I have, mostly for Onyxx, a little bit for Jett: lost time at work; and been: called names, stolen from and lied to, beaten, treated like dirt and/or a slave, emotionally, physically and verbally abused. I have: loved the kids, tried to make a good home for them, tried to never say a negative word about their mother, listened, hugged, kissed boo-boos, cooked, chauffeured, been a secretary for them... And none of this is actually MY JOB. That's not really how I see it. Just because I am "only" a stepmom, doesn't mean that I am NOT a MOM.</p><p> </p><p>The joke between me and husband is that if I'd had a CLUE that he wasn't joking when he told the girl who introduced us he had a "psycho ex" - I would have run SCREAMING. And it's only partly a joke. Many of the things Onyxx has done are an indirect result of choices her mother made; which has prompetd her to make terrible choices, too.</p><p> </p><p>The saddest thing, I think, is the fact that Onyxx is, by her own choice, 100% estranged from her mother. She has stated she considers me her Mom and will treat me as such. (I'd hate to see how she would treat someone she <em>doesn't </em>love, same circumstance.) The paperwork at the shelter she is at had me listed in the mother column. Even now she denies her bio mom. I find that very saddening.</p><p> </p><p>But I digress. husband and I stand firm together when it comes to serious issues. The smaller ones, though... It took him a LONG time to get on the same page I am on. He saw what she was doing, but he thought if he was a little more lenient, and just LOVED her, it would help. But she's determined to self-destruct, and it was definitely a source of friction. At one point he accused me of never saying anything positive about Onyxx. I could not find anything she did that made me smile for a VERY long time.</p><p> </p><p>But now? Now. He's on the same page I am, and then - after that - she went WAY too far over the line.</p><p> </p><p>My best advice for you? Something I think may have saved our marriage? Regular date night and/or time alone. husband and I try to go to lunch once every week, and every other Friday is OUR time. Holding hands is great, too.</p><p> </p><p>And please, if you are having any troubles at all - counseling! You are both under stress, and men and women deal differently with stress. Seriously, counseling - talking to someone ELSE - helps. Then when you're together, you don't JUST talk about the boys.</p><p> </p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hugs.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hugs:" title="hugs :hugs:" data-shortname=":hugs:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="AnnieO, post: 435606, member: 6705"] Wow. I'm husband's 3rd wife. Onyxx and Jett are from the 2nd marriage; M, who's on his way to our house right now with husband, is from the first. Honestly - there have been a lot of times that I have wanted to tell him, re Onyxx - it's her or me!!! I'm glad I haven't. I know, deep down, that husband loves me, and I know I love him. We have different parenting styles - partially because he was Disneyland Dad when I met him. He never knew if and when he would see the kids, so he spoiled them. I worked with him to get him out of that. But - that is NOT what caused the problems. I have, mostly for Onyxx, a little bit for Jett: lost time at work; and been: called names, stolen from and lied to, beaten, treated like dirt and/or a slave, emotionally, physically and verbally abused. I have: loved the kids, tried to make a good home for them, tried to never say a negative word about their mother, listened, hugged, kissed boo-boos, cooked, chauffeured, been a secretary for them... And none of this is actually MY JOB. That's not really how I see it. Just because I am "only" a stepmom, doesn't mean that I am NOT a MOM. The joke between me and husband is that if I'd had a CLUE that he wasn't joking when he told the girl who introduced us he had a "psycho ex" - I would have run SCREAMING. And it's only partly a joke. Many of the things Onyxx has done are an indirect result of choices her mother made; which has prompetd her to make terrible choices, too. The saddest thing, I think, is the fact that Onyxx is, by her own choice, 100% estranged from her mother. She has stated she considers me her Mom and will treat me as such. (I'd hate to see how she would treat someone she [I]doesn't [/I]love, same circumstance.) The paperwork at the shelter she is at had me listed in the mother column. Even now she denies her bio mom. I find that very saddening. But I digress. husband and I stand firm together when it comes to serious issues. The smaller ones, though... It took him a LONG time to get on the same page I am on. He saw what she was doing, but he thought if he was a little more lenient, and just LOVED her, it would help. But she's determined to self-destruct, and it was definitely a source of friction. At one point he accused me of never saying anything positive about Onyxx. I could not find anything she did that made me smile for a VERY long time. But now? Now. He's on the same page I am, and then - after that - she went WAY too far over the line. My best advice for you? Something I think may have saved our marriage? Regular date night and/or time alone. husband and I try to go to lunch once every week, and every other Friday is OUR time. Holding hands is great, too. And please, if you are having any troubles at all - counseling! You are both under stress, and men and women deal differently with stress. Seriously, counseling - talking to someone ELSE - helps. Then when you're together, you don't JUST talk about the boys. :hugs: [/QUOTE]
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