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<blockquote data-quote="InsaneCdn" data-source="post: 435678" data-attributes="member: 11791"><p>After something like 20 yrs of marriage... and many more of observation...</p><p> </p><p>The "5 yrs of kids" thing is a red herring. Back in the "old" days, you started a family by getting married - there was no "waiting two years"... and yes, back then, they had a name for it: the seven-year itch.</p><p> </p><p>It had nothing to do with kids - and couples with no kids, and couples with "normal" kids and couples with all kinds of kids... all hit it. About that time, you discover that this person that you're married to isn't quite what you expected - you can't reconcile the "image" with the "reality". If you're too much connected to the "image", then the marriage falls apart. If you have some connection to the "reality", then there's something to build on... but it takes work - more work than either has ever had to put into the relationship.</p><p> </p><p>If both sides are committed to making it work "no matter what" **, there's always a way through.</p><p> </p><p>** "no matter what" = a lady I worked with put it nicely: the only valid reasons for a split are: abuse, adultery and addictions - and even then, only if "help" hasn't worked.</p><p> </p><p>Kids? one way or another, the're only around for a few years. Somehow, find a way to deal with the kids. Someone around here got husband to back off and just be the background "enforcer" on call when needed and she managed the front lines. Others pull the kid-load equally. There are all sorts of variations... and which one you use matters: it has to <u>work for both of you</u>. It does NOT matter what anyone else thinks.</p><p> </p><p>You DO have to...</p><p>- keep your own sanity - an "insane" spouse is very hard to live with</p><p>- ditto for helping spouse keep their sanity</p><p>- agree on the big picture (we're finding a way to make this work... we're doing what it takes to get help for the kids... etc.)</p><p>- it really helps if you can agree on finances... and it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, if the relationship is in trouble then usually finances are even bigger trouble.</p><p>- focus on the big picture... because its the details that are killing you, and you have to recognize these for what they are... grains of sand, not mountains... but in your shoe you'll never find a mountain!</p><p> </p><p>If you need it, get help - couples therapy, for example, or kid help so you can have time together, or household help (cleaning lady, yard care) to take care of the irritating details so you CAN focus on the other stuff... </p><p> </p><p>Sometimes its so simple its stupid... one fellow I know needed crisp white shirts for work (dress code) - his wife HATED ironing, and HE couldn't do it right. After quite a bit of friction for a few months, he came home with 10 new white shirts... she almost blew her top, but before she could say anything, he said that these shirts were never to be washed by her - he was taking them to the cleaners once a week, had a 2 week supply, and if he was going on a business trip (frequent) the shirts were already folded and ready to pack. The money wasn't an issue, obviously - but ironing shirts just about became a major problem.</p><p> </p><p>Find the sore points, and then find a way to smooth a couple of these over - it makes a big difference.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="InsaneCdn, post: 435678, member: 11791"] After something like 20 yrs of marriage... and many more of observation... The "5 yrs of kids" thing is a red herring. Back in the "old" days, you started a family by getting married - there was no "waiting two years"... and yes, back then, they had a name for it: the seven-year itch. It had nothing to do with kids - and couples with no kids, and couples with "normal" kids and couples with all kinds of kids... all hit it. About that time, you discover that this person that you're married to isn't quite what you expected - you can't reconcile the "image" with the "reality". If you're too much connected to the "image", then the marriage falls apart. If you have some connection to the "reality", then there's something to build on... but it takes work - more work than either has ever had to put into the relationship. If both sides are committed to making it work "no matter what" **, there's always a way through. ** "no matter what" = a lady I worked with put it nicely: the only valid reasons for a split are: abuse, adultery and addictions - and even then, only if "help" hasn't worked. Kids? one way or another, the're only around for a few years. Somehow, find a way to deal with the kids. Someone around here got husband to back off and just be the background "enforcer" on call when needed and she managed the front lines. Others pull the kid-load equally. There are all sorts of variations... and which one you use matters: it has to [U]work for both of you[/U]. It does NOT matter what anyone else thinks. You DO have to... - keep your own sanity - an "insane" spouse is very hard to live with - ditto for helping spouse keep their sanity - agree on the big picture (we're finding a way to make this work... we're doing what it takes to get help for the kids... etc.) - it really helps if you can agree on finances... and it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, if the relationship is in trouble then usually finances are even bigger trouble. - focus on the big picture... because its the details that are killing you, and you have to recognize these for what they are... grains of sand, not mountains... but in your shoe you'll never find a mountain! If you need it, get help - couples therapy, for example, or kid help so you can have time together, or household help (cleaning lady, yard care) to take care of the irritating details so you CAN focus on the other stuff... Sometimes its so simple its stupid... one fellow I know needed crisp white shirts for work (dress code) - his wife HATED ironing, and HE couldn't do it right. After quite a bit of friction for a few months, he came home with 10 new white shirts... she almost blew her top, but before she could say anything, he said that these shirts were never to be washed by her - he was taking them to the cleaners once a week, had a 2 week supply, and if he was going on a business trip (frequent) the shirts were already folded and ready to pack. The money wasn't an issue, obviously - but ironing shirts just about became a major problem. Find the sore points, and then find a way to smooth a couple of these over - it makes a big difference. [/QUOTE]
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