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<blockquote data-quote="seriously" data-source="post: 435726" data-attributes="member: 11920"><p>We too are stubborn I guess. 18 years last month and all of it - every year - with one difficult child or another at home.</p><p></p><p>When we were dealing with difficult child 1 (he was 13 and we had been married for 3 years) it was clear that part of his particular "craziness" involved doing whatever it took to break us up. We had 18 month old twins on top of difficult child 1, who, in addition to mental illness, was severely physically disabled and required extensive personal care.</p><p></p><p>One particularly difficult day our struggles with difficult child 1 turned into a huge argument between us. I don't even remember what it was about.</p><p></p><p>But the argument just stopped when I said - this is what he wants. This is his goal - to break us up. Do we really want to let him do this to us?</p><p></p><p>The answer was No and so far that has served us through thick and thicker.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Counseling will help a lot. Standing united is important. You can't stand united if you never have time together so that's important to manage somehow. I used to go meet wife for lunch at work once the kids were in school because once they were home there was no time for us at all. Respite is essential so you need to do whatever you can to keep from getting isolated and then you must be willing to ask for help when you need it.</p><p></p><p>Check around in your community and see if there's any respite services from social service agencies or religious organizations and then take advantage of it.</p><p></p><p>We used to tell people that we were still together because we had a rule: whoever left first had to take the kids. Most people laughed - they thought we were kidding. Maybe we were.</p><p></p><p>Like others have said, you are a couple long after the kids have left (or been shown the door). Holding firm to that, refusing to give that power to your children or circumstances, seeking support and help - and maybe the threat of having to raise these kids alone - has kept us together.</p><p></p><p>Best wishes. Be honest with your husband and make sure you've got each other's backs. That will help a lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="seriously, post: 435726, member: 11920"] We too are stubborn I guess. 18 years last month and all of it - every year - with one difficult child or another at home. When we were dealing with difficult child 1 (he was 13 and we had been married for 3 years) it was clear that part of his particular "craziness" involved doing whatever it took to break us up. We had 18 month old twins on top of difficult child 1, who, in addition to mental illness, was severely physically disabled and required extensive personal care. One particularly difficult day our struggles with difficult child 1 turned into a huge argument between us. I don't even remember what it was about. But the argument just stopped when I said - this is what he wants. This is his goal - to break us up. Do we really want to let him do this to us? The answer was No and so far that has served us through thick and thicker. Counseling will help a lot. Standing united is important. You can't stand united if you never have time together so that's important to manage somehow. I used to go meet wife for lunch at work once the kids were in school because once they were home there was no time for us at all. Respite is essential so you need to do whatever you can to keep from getting isolated and then you must be willing to ask for help when you need it. Check around in your community and see if there's any respite services from social service agencies or religious organizations and then take advantage of it. We used to tell people that we were still together because we had a rule: whoever left first had to take the kids. Most people laughed - they thought we were kidding. Maybe we were. Like others have said, you are a couple long after the kids have left (or been shown the door). Holding firm to that, refusing to give that power to your children or circumstances, seeking support and help - and maybe the threat of having to raise these kids alone - has kept us together. Best wishes. Be honest with your husband and make sure you've got each other's backs. That will help a lot. [/QUOTE]
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