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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 435866" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Jan, I'd like to add a couple of things.</p><p></p><p>First, it is not a problem if you argue. But you have to fight fair and you have to take it to a mutually satisfactory resolution. husband & I had a fight the other night in front of his mother (actually, I was the one being a bit oversensitive) but we resolved it in seconds. When we got home we investigated the matter a bit further and found some more solutions. Meanwhile mother in law was in a panic and didn't sleep a wink because she thought we were on the point of break-up and that she was the cause. It took a lot of reassurance and she had to rationalise it with, "I understand you were just a bit overtired, that's all," when that was not it! It was almost as bad as someone calmly telling me, "I understand, it's just a bad time of the month."</p><p></p><p>So - fight away, but fight fair. That means no personal attacks. No "I hate you when you do X," instead you say, "I hate X when you do it." Subtle difference. But important. Also in fighting fair - stick to the topic, do not dredge up unrelated old news. "And while we're on the topic, you were mean to me two years ago when we were out with your friends and you said such-and-such." Old hurts should be resolved at the time, or dropped. The only reason for mentioning them, is to try to break a behaviour pattern. They are to be mentioned for interest only, not for resolution so far after the event.</p><p></p><p>Do not fight in front of the kids, if you can't fight properly. The kids will get frightened and upset. It also teaches them bad fighting habits. They need good fighting habits for their own relationships.</p><p></p><p>Next big rule - communicate. Be on the same page. The best way for us has been having husband lurk here, and finally join in his own right. He reads everything I post (hi, honey!) and if he has a problem with it, we talk about it. Writing about things here can help 'gel' ideas far better than trying to grab a few seconds to talk when he gets home from work. Quite a few times especially in the earlier stages, husband would talk to me and say, "I know we talked about this, but I didn't really understand until I read your post this afternoon, then it all fell into place."</p><p></p><p>We still sometimes find ourselves in conflict over how to handle a difficult child situation, but it's a lot easier to get ourselves back on track.</p><p></p><p>We've been married for 33 years now, and are if anything closer than ever. it hasn't been easy, we work at it every day. But working on your relationship is an investment in the future and in your kids' futures.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 435866, member: 1991"] Jan, I'd like to add a couple of things. First, it is not a problem if you argue. But you have to fight fair and you have to take it to a mutually satisfactory resolution. husband & I had a fight the other night in front of his mother (actually, I was the one being a bit oversensitive) but we resolved it in seconds. When we got home we investigated the matter a bit further and found some more solutions. Meanwhile mother in law was in a panic and didn't sleep a wink because she thought we were on the point of break-up and that she was the cause. It took a lot of reassurance and she had to rationalise it with, "I understand you were just a bit overtired, that's all," when that was not it! It was almost as bad as someone calmly telling me, "I understand, it's just a bad time of the month." So - fight away, but fight fair. That means no personal attacks. No "I hate you when you do X," instead you say, "I hate X when you do it." Subtle difference. But important. Also in fighting fair - stick to the topic, do not dredge up unrelated old news. "And while we're on the topic, you were mean to me two years ago when we were out with your friends and you said such-and-such." Old hurts should be resolved at the time, or dropped. The only reason for mentioning them, is to try to break a behaviour pattern. They are to be mentioned for interest only, not for resolution so far after the event. Do not fight in front of the kids, if you can't fight properly. The kids will get frightened and upset. It also teaches them bad fighting habits. They need good fighting habits for their own relationships. Next big rule - communicate. Be on the same page. The best way for us has been having husband lurk here, and finally join in his own right. He reads everything I post (hi, honey!) and if he has a problem with it, we talk about it. Writing about things here can help 'gel' ideas far better than trying to grab a few seconds to talk when he gets home from work. Quite a few times especially in the earlier stages, husband would talk to me and say, "I know we talked about this, but I didn't really understand until I read your post this afternoon, then it all fell into place." We still sometimes find ourselves in conflict over how to handle a difficult child situation, but it's a lot easier to get ourselves back on track. We've been married for 33 years now, and are if anything closer than ever. it hasn't been easy, we work at it every day. But working on your relationship is an investment in the future and in your kids' futures. Marg [/QUOTE]
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