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<blockquote data-quote="flutterbee" data-source="post: 217178"><p>Susie - I had to <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/rofl.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":rofl:" title="rofl :rofl:" data-shortname=":rofl:" /> about the comment on getting helping from my grandmother on handling my mom. This is my dad's mom and she is a HUGE difficult child in her own right. Plus, she has always hated my mom (the feeling is mutual). No one has ever been good enough for her precious boys. You know - the alcohol, drug addicted boys of hers. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite11" alt=":rolleyes:" title="Roll Eyes :rolleyes:" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":rolleyes:" /> I have to employ the same tactics on her as I do my mom. The difference is, she seems to understand better that I won't tolerate it. I made sure she knew that I didn't want any surprise visits from my dad while I was there. Doesn't mean it won't happen, but she knows it will be bad if it does.</p><p></p><p>And setting boundaries with my mom? It's taken years to get this far and several times involved severing contact for a time. Since I came out and asked her today why she doesn't want me to go to my grandmother's, I expect I won't hear much more about it. I don't do passive-aggressive. If I've already laid down a boundary and she crosses it, then I'll say I have to go real quick and she gets the idea. But, I always address it in some fashion before I do that. After I address it, I'm not dealing with it anymore and I gotta go.</p><p></p><p>As bad as this all sounds, my mom and I are close. She just has real issues with boundaries and because of that there are a lot of things I don't tell her. Even the kids know not to tell her - I don't tell them not to, they just don't want to deal with it either. But, because we're close she wants to know everything and if she finds out something that I didn't tell her, she acts all hurt. I like my space, my privacy, I'm not all touchy feely. I don't want to have to talk about or explain everything. And when I've made a decision, I *really* don't like to be questioned about it. </p><p></p><p>What it boils down to is that she needs to be needed by me. When Devon was 10 and she was in DENIAL about his very severe depression and was just ticked as hell at me for "wanting to just medicate his behavior", I had her go to a therapist session with me with Devon's therapist. He just sat back, stunned. At the next appointment he said, she still sees and treats you like a teenager. I just said, 'Yep.'</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="flutterbee, post: 217178"] Susie - I had to :rofl: about the comment on getting helping from my grandmother on handling my mom. This is my dad's mom and she is a HUGE difficult child in her own right. Plus, she has always hated my mom (the feeling is mutual). No one has ever been good enough for her precious boys. You know - the alcohol, drug addicted boys of hers. :rolleye: I have to employ the same tactics on her as I do my mom. The difference is, she seems to understand better that I won't tolerate it. I made sure she knew that I didn't want any surprise visits from my dad while I was there. Doesn't mean it won't happen, but she knows it will be bad if it does. And setting boundaries with my mom? It's taken years to get this far and several times involved severing contact for a time. Since I came out and asked her today why she doesn't want me to go to my grandmother's, I expect I won't hear much more about it. I don't do passive-aggressive. If I've already laid down a boundary and she crosses it, then I'll say I have to go real quick and she gets the idea. But, I always address it in some fashion before I do that. After I address it, I'm not dealing with it anymore and I gotta go. As bad as this all sounds, my mom and I are close. She just has real issues with boundaries and because of that there are a lot of things I don't tell her. Even the kids know not to tell her - I don't tell them not to, they just don't want to deal with it either. But, because we're close she wants to know everything and if she finds out something that I didn't tell her, she acts all hurt. I like my space, my privacy, I'm not all touchy feely. I don't want to have to talk about or explain everything. And when I've made a decision, I *really* don't like to be questioned about it. What it boils down to is that she needs to be needed by me. When Devon was 10 and she was in DENIAL about his very severe depression and was just ticked as hell at me for "wanting to just medicate his behavior", I had her go to a therapist session with me with Devon's therapist. He just sat back, stunned. At the next appointment he said, she still sees and treats you like a teenager. I just said, 'Yep.' [/QUOTE]
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