More to the husband story

[Shari]

Not sure what's up, but something must be.

Came home tonight and he had my horse saddled, ready to get on. Not so odd except he has basically nothing to do with my horse. His horse is, according to him, "the bomb", so he never rides anything but it... He hasn't ridden my horse in 2 years, and generally hates it cause he can't catch it.

So I meandered to the barn and asked what he was up to.

And I got snapped at for an answer. For the first time ever, I raised my voice in response, told him I was tired of being talked to like that and left (he snapped at me when I asked about the truck, too).

He hollered behind me "do you want me to stay off him?" I replied no, but apparently he didn't hear me, cause he dropped the saddle and went and got his horse.

Wish I knew what was up. brother in law wonders if its not the horse and the shooting behind it all. I dunno.

 

[house of cards]

Sounds to me like his male ego is worn down a bit...or he is getting a little older and turning into a grumpy gus, either way you need to talk with him.

 

[trinityroyal]

Shari, I think House of Cards is right that your husband's ego is feeling bruised.

Your truck and car are working, and you can get them to run and baby them along and keep them to run. You just learned how to shoot off the back of a horse. You're going to work, keeping things together, etc.

From what I remember of your previous posts on this subject, it sounds like your job also brings in considerably more than does his.

So...you're the one bringing home the bacon AND you're the one keeping things together on the home front AND you're the one who's stuff is in good condition.

I wonder if husband feels a bit superfluous. He's not The Provider. He's not The One Who Can Fix All The Cars (since you can do so as well). He's not The One Who Can Hunt For Dinner (same as above), etc.

Every role that's typically A Man's Job is something that you can do equally well or better than he can. Some men handle this just fine. Some men don't handle this very well at all. And some men pretend to be just fine while not handling it well at all. I think your husband falls into the 3rd camp. He's got a young wife who has a good job, can keep all the machinery running, can shoot from HORSEBACK for heaven's sake and doesn't need any protecting from him...so what's he supposed to do?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not excusing the behaviour at all. It's unacceptable for him to snap at you, grump at you, treat your car or truck badly or whatever else. I'm just trying to dig around and understand it a bit, make sense of it.

Does any of this make sense? I'm not sure what the cure is...with some men there isn't any.

Hope this helps a little bit.
Trinity

 

[Shari]

It seems silly, but I wonder if you're not right.

And what to do about it.

 

[totoro]

Men are silly. I told husband to stop acting like a Sally one day! OMGosh you would have thought I took his manhood away, which he already believes since it is me and 2 girls in the house. He moped around muttering, "Stop acting like a Sally" in a whiny voice for days...
So now of course I say things like that on purpose! TEE-HEE
The ladies may be right?
Men are more sensitive than they want us to know or believe at times also.
"I can drive the stinking truck... no woman is gonna tell me how to drive a diesel"
I am sure a part of him is thinking things like this... You obviously are very self sufficient which is hard on guys.

 

[trinityroyal]

It seems silly, but I wonder if you're not right.

And what to do about it.

It DOES seem silly. Very silly indeed. Until it rears up and bites you in the bum.

This was one of the issues that led to ex-H and me becoming ex's. He just could not get past the idea that I earned more than he did, drove stick better than he did, and was able to manage the house without much input from him. He needed his wife to need him and I just didn't need him (of course, he was also a royal @@#$%^#$%^&*, but that's another story).

My darling husband, lovely man that he is, also suffers from this a little bit. Sometimes I just have to bat my eyes, be all woolly, and let him take care of me, even when it's easier for me to just get it done myself. (Erm..."Darling husband, would you please open this jar for me?" "My car's all snowy, and if I go out in it I'm going to ruin my boots.") I know. It's the most ridiculous thing ever, but it WORKS. I'm stunned that it does, but it does.

Is there something that your husband does really well, that only he does well? Something "manly" that can become his domain?

I get the feeling that he feels like he's not a hero in your eyes. And of course it's all your fault for being too darn competent. If there's something he can do that lets him feel like a hero in your eyes, this might help to boost his ego and make him less snappy.

Hope this helps a little...
Trinity

 

[DDD]

My husband was first married to a woosey woman. He was so proud when we got married (we were both single for 6+ years in between spouses, by the way) because I was independent, never whined, never called to check on him, etc. etc. Thirty plus years later I "think" he is a bit like your husband. He loves me. He is proud of me....BUT....there are days when he feels overwhelmed and like the caboose. It's hairy.

About ten years ago when I first recognized signs of insecurity I listened closely, observed closely etc and then suggested that he might try some community service work since we both didn't need to work 24/7. He slowly emerged into an award winning leader and his self confidence came back.

Now, age is a major factor and we seem to be cycling back. Perhaps you
can figure out something that is "his" alone??? Hugs. DDD

 

[Shari]

Thanks guys.

I invited him to go to shooting with me Sunday and I think he's going.

I'll have to work on it.

I'm not sure he's my hero, but he is a good guy. He survived difficult child 1, and he adores difficult child 2 - what more can you ask of a mere mortal?

 

[Star*]

Buy my gun - Really - that would make a nice gift....lol.

It could be HIS -alone.

I have others.



I LIKE this idea of him having something of his own AND D3's goin to counseling to feel back on top! Of the horse, truck or whatever!

 

[Shari]

Oh, he needs another gun like a hole in the head....he has like 15...but if it'll make him feel better....I'm all for it.

That might be part of it, too. He's all into guns and that's been his forte and I may be stepping on his toes...I only have my deer rifle and my handgun - but I'm looking for a revolver to purchase for mounted shooting...maybe I am overstepping my "bounds" doing that.

as for the truck thing...I hope he gets one...but I won't buy it because of his history of not taking care of vehicles(plus I just plain can't afford to). That's gonna be a fine line to walk, particularly since I fully expect his car to blow someday in the not too distant future, too. And I can't keep supplying vehicles for him to keep abusing.

If all else fails, I'll bat my eyes, like suggested, and be all needy for a few days. Surely that will get him over it, huh?

 

[house of cards]

Maybe let him get the motorcycle?. You are rural, right? I hate the thought of an accident but it could be his macho "guy" thing and hopefully a bike could take the abuse??

 

[KTMom91]

Like Trinity, this was an issue for me and Useless Boy. It was also a problem at first for me and Hubby, because I was so used to taking care of everything, all the time, and I needed to learn to ask for help sometimes. It can be little things...Hubby always makes my pitchers of iced tea, puts gas in the car, and brings home my San Francisco Chronicle. These are all things I can do, but it makes him happy to do them for me.

 

[nvts]

Oh Shari! He's 43, feeling "less than macho" and behaving like a dork like the ALL do when they go through...

(cue music) dump-dump-DAAAAA

"MID-LIFE CRISIS" (in an echoing tone)

But...here's a really easy way out (if the batting the eyes bit doesn't feel natural). Ask his opinion about the pistol you want to buy. Question him about different things you've seen in magazines, on-line or at the gun shop. Make him your foremost authority and go-to guy when it comes to the purchase. Sometimes they just want to feel irreplaceable.

Every time he gives you some really great insight/advise about the gun, listen to what he has to say, marvel about his knowledge and then let it drop.

When you go up for the night, let it get quiet, roll over and let him know that you love how much he knows about this stuff, and then "jump his bones". Sometimes they want to "be the hunted"!

Beth

 

[Abbey]

Less than macho? I'm sorry, dear...but GET OVER IT. How about having your period and feeling less than feminine? been there done that for 35+ years. I survive. Well, kind of. I'm sitting in the basement in the middle of the night reading the board. At least I'm not ranting and raving about some stupid crud.

Oh, my, husband...what a nice speaker this is!! And look at that amp! Gag me.

Last night was the best stupid rant ever. I work all day, come home and make dinner and clean up. We get in this HUGE argument about how I drain the water out of the sink. Yep. That's serious stuff. Don't mind the starving children in Africa. There is this little drain thingy you put in place to catch any food. Well, MY BAD. I didn't put it in place. (No disposal) He went postal on me. I just sit there and look at him with blank eyes. Yep. Yep. Yep. Ok. Now leave me alone. (That didn't go over so well.)

Don't get me wrong. It's nice to be nice to someone, but I'm not going to superficially fluff someone's ego.

Ok...someone send me to my corner. I'm a bit crabby. Wait...I'm already IN my corner. Geez.

Abbey

 

[mom_in_training]

I have not read all of the posts but will say, Treat him like your hero and boyfriend and let him know how much you appreciate him and love him and you will have him in your pocket in no time. Men are simple creatures....