mothers day

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sooooo tired, May 6, 2016.

  1. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Why is it that I feel such a heavy sadness to know that my daughter will probably not even acknowledge me on mothers day! she has not spoken to me since her return from her florida ordeal. that has been over 3 weeks ago. In one way I am relieved from the drama for awhile, but on the other hand....aren't daughters suppose to love their mothers? I can see if the mother was abusive or neglectful, but I have always been there for her! What is inside her head that makes her see me as an uncaring mother, that has never helped her at all? She tries to make me feel like a failure as a mom, but then she has never been there for any of her 4 kids!! I am actually in a better frame of mind when I am not in contact with her, but then there is always this underlyng guilt that tugs at me I should know what to do or say to make things right, but for the life of me i have never been able to do that with her, so I end up just staying away and having no contact with her. I guess I just expect things to magically turn around one day...but that that looks doubtful!
  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Sooo Tired, you know you cannot live for another person, that at the end of the day we have to enrich our own life and try as best we can to insulate ourselves from the hurts we cannot control. Not one of us is exempt from this. Not I, and certainly not my own mother who was terribly disappointed in both her daughters, who never, she felt, gave her her what she needed and wanted or she felt, was her due.

    But nonetheless she made her life rich in the ways she could. She loved to dance and to go out. She had a boyfriend. She loved movies. She crocheted. More than anything she loved to listen to politics on the radio. We spoke often on the phone, sometimes a few times a week, but towards the end of her life I let 3 years go by without seeing her in person.

    I believe that I hurt more by this, now, than she was. My grief was made immeasurably harder and deeper and longer, because when I no longer had my mother I had to face that I had chosen all of those years not to see her.

    You would not want your daughter to suffer as I have. Build a life for yourself. Let her be. Find the love you seek from yourself and from other people who will love you if you give them the chance.

    The ideal love you seek from your daughter, is in you for her. And maybe, for your own mother.

    I know how hard it can be when we long for our kids. There is a way to fill that need from within us and by reaching out to others as you did in this thread.

    Happy Mother's Day Sooo Tired.
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    Last edited: May 7, 2016
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You may want to put estranged parent in your search engine. You'll find a ton of sites for stories, and advice. Most parents have no idea what they.did wrong. I like how a person on one site put it: Unless you have truly been abusive, and those if us here have if anything, tried too hard to be loving, then the problem is not with us at all. is inside the rejecting child
    This resonated deep wIthin me and spoke to what i thought about Goneboy, that it is really about him, not me.I have apologized over and over again just to be ridiculed and further rejectef. Never again.

    One argument plus other perceived hurts are not due a ten year punishment. Rational people don't do this. On the other hand, rational people who are nice don't abuse loved ones for ten years either.

    It isn't us, it is them. But we can't change their twisted thimking. We can't talk them, love thrm, or beg them out of it. Doing so not only inflates their mean sense of power, but makes us feel stepped on, guilty and lacking in respect of ourselves by ourselves. This all matters.

    Aren't children and their mothers supposed to love each other?

    In theory, yes. But for decades we have known that some parents don't love their kids...they abuse thrm, entionally scar them, call then names, beat them, starve them, even kill them. The child abusing his parent is new to be acknowledgrd, but it happens. One site called it an epidemic. I believe it's not new, just first being discussed. It was in the closet. "My parents would have punched me if I'd been disrespectful" is not only parents threatening abuse, but kids said the same things to their parents and it was done. It eas just not discussed. Time moves on. We know many kids abuse their parents now.

    Again I strongly encourage you and anyone estranged or abused by a child to look at the sites for abused parents of grown kids. When I felt so guilty and bad about Goneboy, it helped me a lot. I am over it now, but seeing others hurt for too long, neglecting other loved ones and themselves, along with a psychologist who only dealt with adopted families saved me from a bitter life. I now understand Goneboy...not his specific gripes because in most matters they are not important....but what drives kids to do this and my best path to happiness. I am happy

    It is not about you. It was never about you. It is about her and her inability, for whatever reason, to treat you in a nice way and for her need to blame you and others for her problems.She was likely born with a rigid, difficult temperament that is worsening with drugs and time. You are not the problem and feel free to absolve yourself of her abuser-of-the-day status any time you like. My advice is to stop letting her play "mom is bad."


    Please stop listening or reading texts or social media. Be good to you. She've already tried everything...
    So try being good to yourself and take a break, the time of it being in your hands.

    Big hugs.
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    Last edited: May 7, 2016
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Surround yourself with the people that return your love. You are not a failure. You continue to love someone who has hurt you. How can we consider ourselves as failures on the mother front when we continue to love our not so loveable kids?

    Celebrate you. You deserve to do that. Stop taking the whip to yourself, and go and have a spa day.
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    my dear sweat friend, I don't think we will ever know the answer to this. I have wondered the same thing about my own son. I think that for some of our d_c's it's just easier to blame their parents than it is to look in the mirror and see that they are the source of all that is wrong in their life. While they live in an adult body their minds are still very immature. They still see us as their rescuer, the one who will kiss their boo boo and make everything okay and we as parent can also get stuck in this mind set.

    Yes, she may try to make you feel like a failure but you do not have to give her that power. Again, her thinking is immature in her expectation of what you should do for her, instead of what SHE should be doing for herself.

    You are making progress. Yes, it hurts that we as mothers cannot make everything okay for our kids but it's not our job anymore as they are adults. You, I and all the other parents who are dealing with a Difficult Child have nothing to feel guilty about. We have all tried to help our adult children to be the masters of their own lives. We have not failed them.

    As for Mother's Day - my son has not acknowledged me on Mother's Day, Birthday, Christmas or any other day in years, I mean YEARS!!
    While my son will occasionally reach out to me it's always about him, he never asks how I am.
    It used to hurt but I changed my thinking about it. On Mother's Day I will be grateful and remember the good times of being a mom. I will be grateful that I even got to be a mother.

    BIG ((HUGS)) TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!
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  6. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Mother's Day is a tough day for many of us. It's complicated for me for many reasons - personally I could do without it.

    Do something for yourself tomorrow.
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