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Mourning the normal milestones...
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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 363651" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>The mourning of a milestone is like the death of a dream. - My therapist told me this when I was in the place you are right now. I was told it was NOT a pitty party - but rather the pain from seeing MY DREAMS go by the way side. What helped me get back on track and not constantly get melancholy about Dudes 'Failures' were two things - First, I had to take into consideration that the things I was sad about were milestones I had envisioned for my son. They weren't HIS dreams or aspirations necessarily. Matter of fact if you ask him today? He'd tell you he missed a LOT being in psychiatric hospitals, and being in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, group homes, and jail - I think in 15 years we may have had him home for something like 3 birthdays and 2 Christmases. Only one Easter - but when I realized that he didn't care about prom, he didn't care about being in a school play, he didn't care if I was a member of the PTA, or the parents that come help around holidays....It helped me realize that WE both did what we could do with the abilities we had. We didn't set out to do a bad thing - stuff happens , and as a result somethings never come to fruition...but who's fruition. He wasn't upset he missed prom. Not at all. I was.....I had a stroke when he became a felon - no, a real stroke - hospital and all. I wasn't able to snap out of it - and I passed out - my body had had enough. Him? He's just po'd because they want his money and the cop lied - Later he'll realize that this is ''stroke'' worthy as a parent but right now? He just wants out from under the responsibility. As far as highschool went? Well - yeah it's hard every graduation - but then I think - HOW many kids can do what he does - as well as he does and then list his positives. </p><p> </p><p>I sit back and think about his life - and finally started asking him to think about HIS dreams.....and not live forced vicariously through mine. He had XX time - what did he want to do with it? Motivate, and support - Detach .......because all signs pointed to "not going to get better any time soon, but maybe it will so in the mean time instead of feeling sorry for ME? I go DO something for me and have my OWN milestones." So I decided to learn another language, learn how to do carpentry - (Hey I got a book I can read) </p><p> </p><p>The other thing I found out that day from my therapist was that it is OKAY to mourn the things we loose. Everyone grieves in their own way about death - this milestone death isn't any less of a loss just because it was something you hoped for. It hurts. It should be dealt with - and normally you learn and don't make the same mistakes - but think about WHO is making the mistake - then put it in perspective that YOU have had your chance to live at 18 - NOW this is HIS chance - his time - his mess up- his joy, his do-over, his failure, his accomplishments. </p><p> </p><p>Lastly the best observation I ever made about my own pity parites? I survived where Gargoyles fear to tread. Despite this? I raised a son the best I could, taught him right from wrong and I appreciate the smallest little things now that had I a 'normal' son? I'd have no appreciation of. A dandelion on my car seat - HUGE. Trash taken out without asking - ENORMOUS. A call just to say I LOVE YOU. brings me to tears some days....because - he knows. </p><p> </p><p>They may not get it as quickly as other kids - but when you feel like this - tell yourself you did the best job you could, you couldn't have done it any better.....Then think about something that he HAS done - that IS good. Remind yourself of those things. Write them down in a book - when you're sad? Open that book - and read those things. You'll be amazed at your own grace for appreciating such small things. It's like appreciating an ant - every day. An ant is small - most days you don't think about them - but they're there, they have a purpose and yet we always see the grass that isn't mowed. Appreciate your ant. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs & Love - </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 363651, member: 4964"] The mourning of a milestone is like the death of a dream. - My therapist told me this when I was in the place you are right now. I was told it was NOT a pitty party - but rather the pain from seeing MY DREAMS go by the way side. What helped me get back on track and not constantly get melancholy about Dudes 'Failures' were two things - First, I had to take into consideration that the things I was sad about were milestones I had envisioned for my son. They weren't HIS dreams or aspirations necessarily. Matter of fact if you ask him today? He'd tell you he missed a LOT being in psychiatric hospitals, and being in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, group homes, and jail - I think in 15 years we may have had him home for something like 3 birthdays and 2 Christmases. Only one Easter - but when I realized that he didn't care about prom, he didn't care about being in a school play, he didn't care if I was a member of the PTA, or the parents that come help around holidays....It helped me realize that WE both did what we could do with the abilities we had. We didn't set out to do a bad thing - stuff happens , and as a result somethings never come to fruition...but who's fruition. He wasn't upset he missed prom. Not at all. I was.....I had a stroke when he became a felon - no, a real stroke - hospital and all. I wasn't able to snap out of it - and I passed out - my body had had enough. Him? He's just po'd because they want his money and the cop lied - Later he'll realize that this is ''stroke'' worthy as a parent but right now? He just wants out from under the responsibility. As far as highschool went? Well - yeah it's hard every graduation - but then I think - HOW many kids can do what he does - as well as he does and then list his positives. I sit back and think about his life - and finally started asking him to think about HIS dreams.....and not live forced vicariously through mine. He had XX time - what did he want to do with it? Motivate, and support - Detach .......because all signs pointed to "not going to get better any time soon, but maybe it will so in the mean time instead of feeling sorry for ME? I go DO something for me and have my OWN milestones." So I decided to learn another language, learn how to do carpentry - (Hey I got a book I can read) The other thing I found out that day from my therapist was that it is OKAY to mourn the things we loose. Everyone grieves in their own way about death - this milestone death isn't any less of a loss just because it was something you hoped for. It hurts. It should be dealt with - and normally you learn and don't make the same mistakes - but think about WHO is making the mistake - then put it in perspective that YOU have had your chance to live at 18 - NOW this is HIS chance - his time - his mess up- his joy, his do-over, his failure, his accomplishments. Lastly the best observation I ever made about my own pity parites? I survived where Gargoyles fear to tread. Despite this? I raised a son the best I could, taught him right from wrong and I appreciate the smallest little things now that had I a 'normal' son? I'd have no appreciation of. A dandelion on my car seat - HUGE. Trash taken out without asking - ENORMOUS. A call just to say I LOVE YOU. brings me to tears some days....because - he knows. They may not get it as quickly as other kids - but when you feel like this - tell yourself you did the best job you could, you couldn't have done it any better.....Then think about something that he HAS done - that IS good. Remind yourself of those things. Write them down in a book - when you're sad? Open that book - and read those things. You'll be amazed at your own grace for appreciating such small things. It's like appreciating an ant - every day. An ant is small - most days you don't think about them - but they're there, they have a purpose and yet we always see the grass that isn't mowed. Appreciate your ant. Hugs & Love - Star [/QUOTE]
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