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My 5 Year Old Has Aspergers and ADHD
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<blockquote data-quote="BellyKate" data-source="post: 107989" data-attributes="member: 4169"><p>Thank you, thank you ! And I'm grateful your reply is so long !</p><p></p><p>The scenario: The 2 older girls from down the street were here playing this afternoon. These are the girls she worships and adores. They had asked yesterday if they could borrow Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from us. My daughter said yes but they forgot to take it. Today when they asked again she said NO ! I gently talked her into letting them take it for the night (ohhhh how I regret that!), and she reluctantly handed it to them. They left. Almost instantly she was in tears. She wanted Chitty Chitty back. I didn't realise it was going to get so out of control, so I calmly tried to distract and praise and remind her they would bring it back in the morning. Within seconds she was hysterical, hitting me, name calling "you stupid woman" etc etc. I had 2 voices in my head ... 1. Don't reward the bad behaviour by going and getting the dvd back and 2. Go get that dvd back now and this madness will instantly end. To complicate things, I was in the middle of cooking, and I also didn't want to ruin the older girl's fun by getting the dvd back. I felt embarrassed to go and ask for it back.</p><p></p><p>My daughter has had 2 very late nights in a row, and a string of generally late nights for weeks due to her not being able to settle and sleep. I knew she was terribly tired, and I know tiredness makes atomic meltdowns more likely. As things progressed and walls were kicked, I really had an internal battle going on. I dug my heels in. She was hitting me and abusing me almost as soon as they were out the door with the dvd. I was completely confused about the right thing to do, and at the same time knowing that I need to make exceptions to the "normal" rules.</p><p></p><p>In the end I went and got the dvd back and wished I had just done it instantly. I know I need to not worry about what other people think (I was worried what the girls and her parents would think) and I know I need to compromise more. If I look at it that way then that is something positive to come out of the whole thing ~ a huge reminder to compromise and let more things go, and that it is ok to unlearn a lot of the strategies I have tried over the years.</p><p></p><p>It's just that she is so abusive and aggressive. I don't know how to handle that. But I guess it is about not letting it get to that point. It needs to be that I am on her side and not that we are in battle against each other. If I think of it in those terms then the moment she got upset about the dvd going I should have said "It's ok darling, we'll go ask for it back". But that is so hard when you feel abused and battered. I am like a broken record daily saying "if you say it nicely then you are more likely to get what you are asking for" and "I can't give you what you want when you speak to me like that". I then give her an example of the voice to use and a nicer way of saying it. From time to time she gets that. Mostly, she doesn't back down.</p><p></p><p>There are other things going on within our family (the grandparents) which have been pretty disturbing for us all.</p><p></p><p>You said: "This changed his distress at "no slurpee" to "maybe slurpee tomorrow". I am a big fan of "maybe" and "I'll think about it". This melts away her distress almost completely.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for your reply. I need to try to get a hold of The Explosive Child again. I keep forgetting to use the strategies ~ stress levels here have been pretty high due to one thing or another, my patience is suffering as a result. I feel like an L-Plater, and sometimes I still feel pretty miserable that I have to deal with this stuff at all. But I have been dealing with it on my own for years. No matter how much we accept something we can still have moments where it all seems too much !</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BellyKate, post: 107989, member: 4169"] Thank you, thank you ! And I'm grateful your reply is so long ! The scenario: The 2 older girls from down the street were here playing this afternoon. These are the girls she worships and adores. They had asked yesterday if they could borrow Chitty Chitty Bang Bang from us. My daughter said yes but they forgot to take it. Today when they asked again she said NO ! I gently talked her into letting them take it for the night (ohhhh how I regret that!), and she reluctantly handed it to them. They left. Almost instantly she was in tears. She wanted Chitty Chitty back. I didn't realise it was going to get so out of control, so I calmly tried to distract and praise and remind her they would bring it back in the morning. Within seconds she was hysterical, hitting me, name calling "you stupid woman" etc etc. I had 2 voices in my head ... 1. Don't reward the bad behaviour by going and getting the dvd back and 2. Go get that dvd back now and this madness will instantly end. To complicate things, I was in the middle of cooking, and I also didn't want to ruin the older girl's fun by getting the dvd back. I felt embarrassed to go and ask for it back. My daughter has had 2 very late nights in a row, and a string of generally late nights for weeks due to her not being able to settle and sleep. I knew she was terribly tired, and I know tiredness makes atomic meltdowns more likely. As things progressed and walls were kicked, I really had an internal battle going on. I dug my heels in. She was hitting me and abusing me almost as soon as they were out the door with the dvd. I was completely confused about the right thing to do, and at the same time knowing that I need to make exceptions to the "normal" rules. In the end I went and got the dvd back and wished I had just done it instantly. I know I need to not worry about what other people think (I was worried what the girls and her parents would think) and I know I need to compromise more. If I look at it that way then that is something positive to come out of the whole thing ~ a huge reminder to compromise and let more things go, and that it is ok to unlearn a lot of the strategies I have tried over the years. It's just that she is so abusive and aggressive. I don't know how to handle that. But I guess it is about not letting it get to that point. It needs to be that I am on her side and not that we are in battle against each other. If I think of it in those terms then the moment she got upset about the dvd going I should have said "It's ok darling, we'll go ask for it back". But that is so hard when you feel abused and battered. I am like a broken record daily saying "if you say it nicely then you are more likely to get what you are asking for" and "I can't give you what you want when you speak to me like that". I then give her an example of the voice to use and a nicer way of saying it. From time to time she gets that. Mostly, she doesn't back down. There are other things going on within our family (the grandparents) which have been pretty disturbing for us all. You said: "This changed his distress at "no slurpee" to "maybe slurpee tomorrow". I am a big fan of "maybe" and "I'll think about it". This melts away her distress almost completely. Thank you so much for your reply. I need to try to get a hold of The Explosive Child again. I keep forgetting to use the strategies ~ stress levels here have been pretty high due to one thing or another, my patience is suffering as a result. I feel like an L-Plater, and sometimes I still feel pretty miserable that I have to deal with this stuff at all. But I have been dealing with it on my own for years. No matter how much we accept something we can still have moments where it all seems too much ! [/QUOTE]
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