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My 5 Year Old Has Aspergers and ADHD
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<blockquote data-quote="BellyKate" data-source="post: 108641" data-attributes="member: 4169"><p>Thank you. You're very encouraging. She's only just fallen asleep.</p><p></p><p>Bedtime has always been our best routine. Shower, dinner, teeth, stories, sleep. Most of the time it has been smooth for the last 2 years. But in the last few months she has had a lot of trouble going to sleep. Her sleep time has always been my quiet time to recover from the day with her. So, it has been very challenging when she is still awake hours after bedtime. </p><p></p><p>Anytime the girls are sent home (even times we agree on when the girls first arrive) she has a meltdown. She craves time with other kids. She talks about it non-stop, asks constantly to have friends over, waits for the girls down the street to get home. Begs. But more and more I am coming to the conclusion that we can't have them over for a while. Every time they go I am left with an atomic meltdown. And that is with me giving her advance warning "10 minutes until the girls have to go", and she replies "ok mother". 5 mins to go and she is still ok with it. When it's time for them to go... KABOOM ! After this afternoon I have told her she can't play with them for the rest of the week.</p><p></p><p>I have tried to teach her to go and punch a pillow when she is angry, instead of punching me. She remembers this when the computer makes her mad, but so far not when she is mad with me. I've tried to get her to go to a quiet place but she is too busy throwing things, threatening to kill me etc etc and it seems the window of opportunity between calm and chaos is so small, sometimes non-existent. Sending her to her room is like going into battle. She rarely goes willingly, which means I have to take her there and that is how come I am gradually losing toenails... she kicks (and always gets my toes) and bites and scratches and punches. I still do it though. </p><p></p><p>I need to praise her more. I used to be good at that ! She reminds me to do it. When she allows me to brush her teeth for a second she will say "that was good, hey mum". Teeth time is one of our worst times of the day. I've all but given up trying to get her to do it in the morning, but have recently discovered that if she isn't allowed anything with sugar in it because she won't clean her teeth, she may actually clean her teeth in the mornings.It's not a certainty though. Even if she promises she will clean her teeth tomorrow if she can have a treat, I still say no. Fallen for that one too many times. I make her wait until she actually has done it the next day.</p><p></p><p>Food. I've recently noticed some things make her more hyper and "crazy". Her sometimes treat after dinner was a small ice-cream with tiny M&M's on top, courtesy of the ice-cream van (I hate that van ! You can hear him coming for miles and she insists on waiting outside for him even if it's an hour... and he always comes at bedtime grrrrrr.), but I noticed it really makes her hyper and she couldn't sleep for hours after that. So, no more of those !</p><p></p><p>The other day she said to me that I am always saying no to her. She has said it before. I notice I do say no a lot. But then I thought about it, and I think it's mostly because of the things she is asking for. Wherever we go she wants me to buy her things from the shop we are in. ALWAYS. Not just one thing but a dozen things. And she is always asking constantly. Can I go play in the mud ? No, you just got out of the bath but you can do that in the morning. Can I go on-line (yes, already she's asking that because that's where the best ABC Kids games are)? Not just now, I'm on the phone (don't have broadband yet) and I won't be long .... MELTDOWN. Can we go to the pool ? It's 8pm and it's shut. I hope you get the idea from this. I don't usually say no to things that I can say yes to, if you know what I mean. And I usually explain or try to work out a compromise. And I also try not to say "no" in the sentence if I can help it. As soon as she wakes up, this kind of nagging thing starts up and doesn't stop until she sleeps. I always get this mental picture of her brain signals firing off all over the place, crazy darting thoughts and wants and needs. She talks non-stop. </p><p></p><p>Great idea about the packing. I usually get her to pack a bag of things she wants to take with her, but I think she would also love to help pack her clothes etc. You realise this will result in her packing 3 winter coats, uggs, 38 pairs of undies and all of her clothes that aren't hanging up lol.</p><p></p><p>I will also introduce the idea of a quiet, safe place for her while we are there. A few years ago, I read a book called The Spirited Child. From it I picked up a few things which worked surprisingly well. When I would notice her getting hyper and agitated I would ask if her head was feeling "fuzzy" or words to that effect. She knew instantly what I meant ! Together we worked out it helped her to go somewhere quiet when her head felt fuzzy. Sometimes it helped stop a meltdown, at the very least it made her feel understood.</p><p></p><p>The last few nights when the meltdowns have been big and long and horrible, I have lost my temper and smacked. I am anti-smacking ! It has scared me. I know there are people out there who say a good smack never hurt anyone, but I disagree. I won't go off on a long thing about that, but I will say that what scares me is the feeling I am experiencing before I smack. Complete rage and feeling out of control. Lashing out. Tonight, I felt so battered and like an animal pushed back into the corner of it's cage, I felt and still feel so angry and helpless and I'm supposed to be the bloody parent ! Anyway, I told her I had to leave her room because I needed to calm down. I also am experiencing so much remorse for losing my temper (not just in the last few nights), and guilt for not liking her very much. </p><p></p><p>Tomorrow I am ringing the psychiatric to ask him to recommend someone we can go and see. Our doctor suggested we do a mental health assessment so that we can get 12 free sessions with someone who can help direct me a bit. I feel like it would be hugely beneficial just to have someone to talk to, and also get some feedback, advice, reassurance etc. Feeling like a sinking ship. I need to somehow find a way back to having control of myself, and without seeming controlling, to get some control back of our situation.</p><p></p><p>I can't thank you enough for taking the time to be encouraging and offer so many good ideas. Thank you ! It means a lot.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BellyKate, post: 108641, member: 4169"] Thank you. You're very encouraging. She's only just fallen asleep. Bedtime has always been our best routine. Shower, dinner, teeth, stories, sleep. Most of the time it has been smooth for the last 2 years. But in the last few months she has had a lot of trouble going to sleep. Her sleep time has always been my quiet time to recover from the day with her. So, it has been very challenging when she is still awake hours after bedtime. Anytime the girls are sent home (even times we agree on when the girls first arrive) she has a meltdown. She craves time with other kids. She talks about it non-stop, asks constantly to have friends over, waits for the girls down the street to get home. Begs. But more and more I am coming to the conclusion that we can't have them over for a while. Every time they go I am left with an atomic meltdown. And that is with me giving her advance warning "10 minutes until the girls have to go", and she replies "ok mother". 5 mins to go and she is still ok with it. When it's time for them to go... KABOOM ! After this afternoon I have told her she can't play with them for the rest of the week. I have tried to teach her to go and punch a pillow when she is angry, instead of punching me. She remembers this when the computer makes her mad, but so far not when she is mad with me. I've tried to get her to go to a quiet place but she is too busy throwing things, threatening to kill me etc etc and it seems the window of opportunity between calm and chaos is so small, sometimes non-existent. Sending her to her room is like going into battle. She rarely goes willingly, which means I have to take her there and that is how come I am gradually losing toenails... she kicks (and always gets my toes) and bites and scratches and punches. I still do it though. I need to praise her more. I used to be good at that ! She reminds me to do it. When she allows me to brush her teeth for a second she will say "that was good, hey mum". Teeth time is one of our worst times of the day. I've all but given up trying to get her to do it in the morning, but have recently discovered that if she isn't allowed anything with sugar in it because she won't clean her teeth, she may actually clean her teeth in the mornings.It's not a certainty though. Even if she promises she will clean her teeth tomorrow if she can have a treat, I still say no. Fallen for that one too many times. I make her wait until she actually has done it the next day. Food. I've recently noticed some things make her more hyper and "crazy". Her sometimes treat after dinner was a small ice-cream with tiny M&M's on top, courtesy of the ice-cream van (I hate that van ! You can hear him coming for miles and she insists on waiting outside for him even if it's an hour... and he always comes at bedtime grrrrrr.), but I noticed it really makes her hyper and she couldn't sleep for hours after that. So, no more of those ! The other day she said to me that I am always saying no to her. She has said it before. I notice I do say no a lot. But then I thought about it, and I think it's mostly because of the things she is asking for. Wherever we go she wants me to buy her things from the shop we are in. ALWAYS. Not just one thing but a dozen things. And she is always asking constantly. Can I go play in the mud ? No, you just got out of the bath but you can do that in the morning. Can I go on-line (yes, already she's asking that because that's where the best ABC Kids games are)? Not just now, I'm on the phone (don't have broadband yet) and I won't be long .... MELTDOWN. Can we go to the pool ? It's 8pm and it's shut. I hope you get the idea from this. I don't usually say no to things that I can say yes to, if you know what I mean. And I usually explain or try to work out a compromise. And I also try not to say "no" in the sentence if I can help it. As soon as she wakes up, this kind of nagging thing starts up and doesn't stop until she sleeps. I always get this mental picture of her brain signals firing off all over the place, crazy darting thoughts and wants and needs. She talks non-stop. Great idea about the packing. I usually get her to pack a bag of things she wants to take with her, but I think she would also love to help pack her clothes etc. You realise this will result in her packing 3 winter coats, uggs, 38 pairs of undies and all of her clothes that aren't hanging up lol. I will also introduce the idea of a quiet, safe place for her while we are there. A few years ago, I read a book called The Spirited Child. From it I picked up a few things which worked surprisingly well. When I would notice her getting hyper and agitated I would ask if her head was feeling "fuzzy" or words to that effect. She knew instantly what I meant ! Together we worked out it helped her to go somewhere quiet when her head felt fuzzy. Sometimes it helped stop a meltdown, at the very least it made her feel understood. The last few nights when the meltdowns have been big and long and horrible, I have lost my temper and smacked. I am anti-smacking ! It has scared me. I know there are people out there who say a good smack never hurt anyone, but I disagree. I won't go off on a long thing about that, but I will say that what scares me is the feeling I am experiencing before I smack. Complete rage and feeling out of control. Lashing out. Tonight, I felt so battered and like an animal pushed back into the corner of it's cage, I felt and still feel so angry and helpless and I'm supposed to be the bloody parent ! Anyway, I told her I had to leave her room because I needed to calm down. I also am experiencing so much remorse for losing my temper (not just in the last few nights), and guilt for not liking her very much. Tomorrow I am ringing the psychiatric to ask him to recommend someone we can go and see. Our doctor suggested we do a mental health assessment so that we can get 12 free sessions with someone who can help direct me a bit. I feel like it would be hugely beneficial just to have someone to talk to, and also get some feedback, advice, reassurance etc. Feeling like a sinking ship. I need to somehow find a way back to having control of myself, and without seeming controlling, to get some control back of our situation. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to be encouraging and offer so many good ideas. Thank you ! It means a lot. [/QUOTE]
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