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My 5 Year Old Has Aspergers and ADHD
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 108688" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>You said, "You realise this will result in her packing 3 winter coats, uggs, 38 pairs of undies and all of her clothes that aren't hanging up lol."</p><p>That's why I suggest a written list, such as on a blackboard or a big sheet of paper blu-tacked up. Put the number of items on it as well. That is what has helped us such a lot.</p><p></p><p>You're already doing so many things right, it does sound like a lot of this is stemming from a combination of things, not the least of which is you being so tired right now. it's amazing what a difference it makes. You're already trying to say 'no' in a creative way. </p><p></p><p>When I suggested simply giving way for a while, this isn't so you just give up and let her run amok for no purpose - it's to break the current cycle of negativity and frustration. You need to be firm on some things, but you may need a brief holiday on some things. Cutting out the sugar if she's not cleaning her teeth is good. What about eating a raw carrot last thing at night? Then a drink of water, rinsing her mouth?</p><p></p><p>The teeth cleaning - we had fun with that for a while. Trying to use force for ANYTHING (including sending her to her room) - try to not do it. Soon you'll be engaging in one of those battles and she will be stronger than you and you will fail. That is to be avoided at all costs. Better to never engage, than to engage and lose.</p><p>Back to teeth cleaning - she needs to do this for herself. She could also have a problem with the toothpaste - I have to be VERY careful which toothpaste I buy, if I get it wrong I have easy child 2/difficult child 2 whining as well, plus refusal from her as well as difficult child 3 (although she's so obsessive she will now go out and buy her preferred brand if she has to).</p><p>Another issue - the feel of the brush. We went real soft for a while. Also what helped - cleaning teeth as a group. We use each other as mirrors. Compete maybe - "let's see who can clean each tooth five times while we watch each other." Teach her by your example, how to brush up and down with a flicking motion. Also take her to a dentist for a check-up, let the dentist show her how it should be done (warn the dentist ahead of time about her, but they ARE used to difficult kids). We found difficult child 1 took what the expert said really to heart and practised cleaning his teeth properly every night.</p><p>Another thing, and this also relates to the sensory problems - difficult child 3 was very fussy about the feel of the brush in his mouth. We tried to get him to use an electric toothbrush - they do a better job especially with recalcitrant kids - and he hated the vibration, it made him feel anxious. Then difficult child 1 called it "tickle teeth". difficult child 3 has always loved to be tickled; now he had found a way to tickle himself through the mouth, using the electric toothbrush. So every night instead of fighting, he would giggle his way through cleaning his teeth.</p><p></p><p>You could take her shopping for a special toothbrush, that might help. Let her choose the one she wants, it should encourage her to use it.</p><p></p><p>If possible, explain to her why it's needed. Again, the dentist is sometimes a better person for this job.</p><p></p><p>Things that will set her off - not being in control. Having someone else make all the decisions for her. Seeing something, wanting it desperately from that second, and not being allowed to have it (sorry - it's the remnant of the Terrible Twos in her).</p><p></p><p>With the internet access issue, get a clock face for her and turn the hands to the time when you will dial up the 'Net. While she is waiting, she can do off-line computer stuff. You will need to stick to the time, but it could help her wait. Make yourself wait too, if you need to, to show her that you don't have things all your own way either.</p><p></p><p>With the neighbour girls not coming over for a while - don't tell her. Simply saying to her as they go home, "That's the last you can play for a few days," will set her off. Just wait until next day when she asks for them to play (which she will, whether you told her or not that you were taking a break) and THEN say, "I thought that today we would go play in the park instead." You could go alone and it's hopefully enough of a distraction. Or maybe she might be able to play nicely on neutral ground such as the park. Or you could try allowing ONE girl over at a time. I'm sure the girls will understand the need to take turns with play, if that is possible.</p><p></p><p>Another important thing - when you DO allow the girls to come back, make sure the play is organised and directed. Unstructured play is a common trigger. It's fairly easy to structure it by setting up a board game maybe, or a cooking session in the kitchen (icing arrowroot biscuits is easy and fun, you can buy those tubes of coloured icing and pipe right from the tubes). Or making shaped biscuits, or using a cookie press. All sorts of things. A salad with funny faces made from bits of carrot, sprouts for hair, that sort of thing. Slice of bread pizza which they assemble themselves from ingredients you've laid out; then you bake them and they get to eat their craft. Or watching a movie with lots of popcorn to eat. Or do this sort of thing with just you guys. You probably need to have fun together, just the two of you.</p><p></p><p>Structured play, with a time limit (the girls go home when the movie finishes, with promises to invite them back next day so she has the anticipation). You could even walk the girls home and continue with another longer walk with her, perhaps to count letterboxes or cars or anything you can. A nature walk where you pick different weeds and put them in a vase when you get home - again, structure but with flexibility built in so if she says, "I want to look at this flower a bit longer," you can both squat down in the gutter and look at it together for as long as she wants (within reason - you don't want to be there at 10 pm).</p><p></p><p>Doing a lot of this will mean putting YOUR tasks on hold for a while, but the effort is worth it when she begins to relax and realise you're not the ogre out to spoil her fun.</p><p></p><p>I'm up a lot later than I should be, I'll be late checking in tomorrow, probably not until lunchtime (EST Australia). Maybe a bit before - I promised difficult child 3 we'd have a go baking a pie. He likes to play with the dough. It's not a usual thing for us, but aI think it's time he had another fun cooking lesson.</p><p></p><p>All the best with this. Chin up.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 108688, member: 1991"] You said, "You realise this will result in her packing 3 winter coats, uggs, 38 pairs of undies and all of her clothes that aren't hanging up lol." That's why I suggest a written list, such as on a blackboard or a big sheet of paper blu-tacked up. Put the number of items on it as well. That is what has helped us such a lot. You're already doing so many things right, it does sound like a lot of this is stemming from a combination of things, not the least of which is you being so tired right now. it's amazing what a difference it makes. You're already trying to say 'no' in a creative way. When I suggested simply giving way for a while, this isn't so you just give up and let her run amok for no purpose - it's to break the current cycle of negativity and frustration. You need to be firm on some things, but you may need a brief holiday on some things. Cutting out the sugar if she's not cleaning her teeth is good. What about eating a raw carrot last thing at night? Then a drink of water, rinsing her mouth? The teeth cleaning - we had fun with that for a while. Trying to use force for ANYTHING (including sending her to her room) - try to not do it. Soon you'll be engaging in one of those battles and she will be stronger than you and you will fail. That is to be avoided at all costs. Better to never engage, than to engage and lose. Back to teeth cleaning - she needs to do this for herself. She could also have a problem with the toothpaste - I have to be VERY careful which toothpaste I buy, if I get it wrong I have easy child 2/difficult child 2 whining as well, plus refusal from her as well as difficult child 3 (although she's so obsessive she will now go out and buy her preferred brand if she has to). Another issue - the feel of the brush. We went real soft for a while. Also what helped - cleaning teeth as a group. We use each other as mirrors. Compete maybe - "let's see who can clean each tooth five times while we watch each other." Teach her by your example, how to brush up and down with a flicking motion. Also take her to a dentist for a check-up, let the dentist show her how it should be done (warn the dentist ahead of time about her, but they ARE used to difficult kids). We found difficult child 1 took what the expert said really to heart and practised cleaning his teeth properly every night. Another thing, and this also relates to the sensory problems - difficult child 3 was very fussy about the feel of the brush in his mouth. We tried to get him to use an electric toothbrush - they do a better job especially with recalcitrant kids - and he hated the vibration, it made him feel anxious. Then difficult child 1 called it "tickle teeth". difficult child 3 has always loved to be tickled; now he had found a way to tickle himself through the mouth, using the electric toothbrush. So every night instead of fighting, he would giggle his way through cleaning his teeth. You could take her shopping for a special toothbrush, that might help. Let her choose the one she wants, it should encourage her to use it. If possible, explain to her why it's needed. Again, the dentist is sometimes a better person for this job. Things that will set her off - not being in control. Having someone else make all the decisions for her. Seeing something, wanting it desperately from that second, and not being allowed to have it (sorry - it's the remnant of the Terrible Twos in her). With the internet access issue, get a clock face for her and turn the hands to the time when you will dial up the 'Net. While she is waiting, she can do off-line computer stuff. You will need to stick to the time, but it could help her wait. Make yourself wait too, if you need to, to show her that you don't have things all your own way either. With the neighbour girls not coming over for a while - don't tell her. Simply saying to her as they go home, "That's the last you can play for a few days," will set her off. Just wait until next day when she asks for them to play (which she will, whether you told her or not that you were taking a break) and THEN say, "I thought that today we would go play in the park instead." You could go alone and it's hopefully enough of a distraction. Or maybe she might be able to play nicely on neutral ground such as the park. Or you could try allowing ONE girl over at a time. I'm sure the girls will understand the need to take turns with play, if that is possible. Another important thing - when you DO allow the girls to come back, make sure the play is organised and directed. Unstructured play is a common trigger. It's fairly easy to structure it by setting up a board game maybe, or a cooking session in the kitchen (icing arrowroot biscuits is easy and fun, you can buy those tubes of coloured icing and pipe right from the tubes). Or making shaped biscuits, or using a cookie press. All sorts of things. A salad with funny faces made from bits of carrot, sprouts for hair, that sort of thing. Slice of bread pizza which they assemble themselves from ingredients you've laid out; then you bake them and they get to eat their craft. Or watching a movie with lots of popcorn to eat. Or do this sort of thing with just you guys. You probably need to have fun together, just the two of you. Structured play, with a time limit (the girls go home when the movie finishes, with promises to invite them back next day so she has the anticipation). You could even walk the girls home and continue with another longer walk with her, perhaps to count letterboxes or cars or anything you can. A nature walk where you pick different weeds and put them in a vase when you get home - again, structure but with flexibility built in so if she says, "I want to look at this flower a bit longer," you can both squat down in the gutter and look at it together for as long as she wants (within reason - you don't want to be there at 10 pm). Doing a lot of this will mean putting YOUR tasks on hold for a while, but the effort is worth it when she begins to relax and realise you're not the ogre out to spoil her fun. I'm up a lot later than I should be, I'll be late checking in tomorrow, probably not until lunchtime (EST Australia). Maybe a bit before - I promised difficult child 3 we'd have a go baking a pie. He likes to play with the dough. It's not a usual thing for us, but aI think it's time he had another fun cooking lesson. All the best with this. Chin up. Marg [/QUOTE]
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