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My boyfriend's difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="exhausted" data-source="post: 545027" data-attributes="member: 11001"><p>Hello an welcome GG. You are in a tough place and at a crossroads. I think it is great that you are seeking answers. These children are tough. I have been a teacher for 25 years and even taught a behavior disordered class for many years. I have raised a child with ADHD and now am really stuggling with a 17 yrs old difficult child. I have a supportive husband-though he depends on me to guide him, and it has still made our life very, very difficult. Even in the best of situations, these kids heck on a family. That said I have some questions:</p><p></p><p>How will your SO change from a father who just gives in to a child and makes excuses, transform if he is unwilling to get help? </p><p>How will he be as an example to your boy?(Not to mention the issues of dealing with a difficult child "step-brother)</p><p>There are many great books that can help-will he read them and work with you?</p><p>How does he respond to your fear and anxiety? You will have this about other things in the future and we all need a supportive partner when this is happenening?</p><p>Would he attend a free support group from NAMI or CHADD?</p><p>Is he there when the boy visits?</p><p>How will he respond if you have marital trouble and need to get help?</p><p>How do you really feel about his willingness to move hundreds of miles away from his boy?</p><p>How do you feel about his unresolved anger towards his ex and his manipulating the boy to keep secrets?</p><p></p><p>Next I want you to know that there is help and these kids can get better but it requires committment, lack of denial, willingness to forgive and move on, the ability to tailor rules and move in small steps to social functioning, compassion, and consistancy. He can't do what an average, non impaired peer could do-just can't-he is neurologically impaired. He really needs all adults on the same page working towards the same goals to make decent progress. He will never out grow the issues, he will always have to be working on them and most likely has other mental health issues (ADHD doesn't stand alone and most teens with this develop some depression and untreated-they become self-medicators). The statistics also say that legal issues because of their impulsivity are very common.</p><p> </p><p>If you decide you want this man and his boy, your first task is to get to support so you can learn together. You can find info here, but it is not enough. You need face to face help. You are in danger of becoming very codependant if you have to beg and bargain with your SO. It's something us warrier mom's have to guard against because it just happens as caregivers. If he won't sign on....maybe you will want to sign-off. This is harsh I know, but I know the pit falls. If I had a choice, I would never sign on for what has happened in my life. While I have gained much wisdom, I have also lost years of my life to struggles, the development of an autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress, and I have grieved over and over again as I learn more and more that my hopes for my difficult child and our life have to been dashed and changed. I know I am not alone in this. </p><p></p><p>Please keep posting. Sometimes the responses are slow on the weekend. I know I have apost and hardly any responses in the substance abuse forum-week days bring more help. Sometimes we get scared off by responses but people here do mean to help and have experience. ((Hugs)) This is tough!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="exhausted, post: 545027, member: 11001"] Hello an welcome GG. You are in a tough place and at a crossroads. I think it is great that you are seeking answers. These children are tough. I have been a teacher for 25 years and even taught a behavior disordered class for many years. I have raised a child with ADHD and now am really stuggling with a 17 yrs old difficult child. I have a supportive husband-though he depends on me to guide him, and it has still made our life very, very difficult. Even in the best of situations, these kids heck on a family. That said I have some questions: How will your SO change from a father who just gives in to a child and makes excuses, transform if he is unwilling to get help? How will he be as an example to your boy?(Not to mention the issues of dealing with a difficult child "step-brother) There are many great books that can help-will he read them and work with you? How does he respond to your fear and anxiety? You will have this about other things in the future and we all need a supportive partner when this is happenening? Would he attend a free support group from NAMI or CHADD? Is he there when the boy visits? How will he respond if you have marital trouble and need to get help? How do you really feel about his willingness to move hundreds of miles away from his boy? How do you feel about his unresolved anger towards his ex and his manipulating the boy to keep secrets? Next I want you to know that there is help and these kids can get better but it requires committment, lack of denial, willingness to forgive and move on, the ability to tailor rules and move in small steps to social functioning, compassion, and consistancy. He can't do what an average, non impaired peer could do-just can't-he is neurologically impaired. He really needs all adults on the same page working towards the same goals to make decent progress. He will never out grow the issues, he will always have to be working on them and most likely has other mental health issues (ADHD doesn't stand alone and most teens with this develop some depression and untreated-they become self-medicators). The statistics also say that legal issues because of their impulsivity are very common. If you decide you want this man and his boy, your first task is to get to support so you can learn together. You can find info here, but it is not enough. You need face to face help. You are in danger of becoming very codependant if you have to beg and bargain with your SO. It's something us warrier mom's have to guard against because it just happens as caregivers. If he won't sign on....maybe you will want to sign-off. This is harsh I know, but I know the pit falls. If I had a choice, I would never sign on for what has happened in my life. While I have gained much wisdom, I have also lost years of my life to struggles, the development of an autoimmune disease that is triggered by stress, and I have grieved over and over again as I learn more and more that my hopes for my difficult child and our life have to been dashed and changed. I know I am not alone in this. Please keep posting. Sometimes the responses are slow on the weekend. I know I have apost and hardly any responses in the substance abuse forum-week days bring more help. Sometimes we get scared off by responses but people here do mean to help and have experience. ((Hugs)) This is tough! [/QUOTE]
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