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My boyfriend's difficult child
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<blockquote data-quote="GoingSolo" data-source="post: 545052" data-attributes="member: 15019"><p>GG13, I'm really sorry to hear about your struggle. My heart goes out to you for the difficult times ahead, and the tough decisions you will have to make.</p><p></p><p>I occasionally browse this forum, but have never posted. This will be my first post. I come from a similiar situation as yours, but years ahead of you. Something <strong>I hope you will understand before it's too late</strong>, is that <strong>Parental Guilt and Denial + difficult child with- ADHD diagnosis = Total Destruction</strong>.</p><p></p><p>Parental Guilt and Denial is a HUGE hurdle. If his son is only 10 years old now, it will get extremely worse. The difficult child will soon realize, crystal clear, that parental guilt and denial is the most effective tool in his toolbox to destroy everything around him. It is literally a license to kill. He will push the envelope until something terrible happens to himself or someone else in the family, or anyone else for that matter. Guess what? It doesn't stop there, because he'll get away with that too, and do it all over again. The bigger the boy the bigger the problem, and the teen years are coming. Be prepared for major issues at school, fighting, stealing, lying, vandalism, drugs, cops, manipulation, heart break, financial restitution, lawyer bills, and many more. by the way, you are enemy #1. You have a target on your back, and anything you own. Your son is enemy #2. The difficult child will run the house, you will walk on egg shells. If you do anything to try and stop it, you will get OWNED, and your boyfriend will protect his son from anything.</p><p></p><p>The first thing for you to know is that your boyfriend's denial has nothing to do with the relationship he has with you, however, it is likely that hanging on to his parental denial and guilt is more important to him than hanging on to you. Try not to take this rejection personally. Letting go of denial and guilt will probably be the hardest thing your boyfriend would ever do in his whole life. Don't count on it. HE WILL NOT DO IT FOR YOU!!! He has to do it for himself and his son.</p><p></p><p>Sorry for the doom and gloom. I don't like saying it. My situation hurt me badly. I always thought that if my girlfriend would just open her eyes a little bit, she would get it. When something MAJOR would happen, I would think, this is it! This is when she will "get it". It never happened. There were always excuses. Everyone else in the world was to blame, especially others in the family. Perhaps your situation really isn't as bad as mine was. Not sitting still at the dinner table, funny stares, and evil smiles sound easy to me.</p><p></p><p>You have a son of your own, you need to think about what effects this relationship will bring him. Your number 1 responsiblity is taking care of YOUR son, not your love life.</p><p></p><p>As a side note, I sometimes wonder that a diagnosis of "ADHD" is a way to facilitate a parents denial when a more severe personality disorder is at play. For example, if a more severe diagnosis was given, perhaps the doctors giving the diagnosis would also be "the problem", and the difficult child would have no treatment at all. The parent may seek another doctor that would give them a diagonsis they could stomach.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="GoingSolo, post: 545052, member: 15019"] GG13, I'm really sorry to hear about your struggle. My heart goes out to you for the difficult times ahead, and the tough decisions you will have to make. I occasionally browse this forum, but have never posted. This will be my first post. I come from a similiar situation as yours, but years ahead of you. Something [B]I hope you will understand before it's too late[/B], is that [B]Parental Guilt and Denial + difficult child with- ADHD diagnosis = Total Destruction[/B]. Parental Guilt and Denial is a HUGE hurdle. If his son is only 10 years old now, it will get extremely worse. The difficult child will soon realize, crystal clear, that parental guilt and denial is the most effective tool in his toolbox to destroy everything around him. It is literally a license to kill. He will push the envelope until something terrible happens to himself or someone else in the family, or anyone else for that matter. Guess what? It doesn't stop there, because he'll get away with that too, and do it all over again. The bigger the boy the bigger the problem, and the teen years are coming. Be prepared for major issues at school, fighting, stealing, lying, vandalism, drugs, cops, manipulation, heart break, financial restitution, lawyer bills, and many more. by the way, you are enemy #1. You have a target on your back, and anything you own. Your son is enemy #2. The difficult child will run the house, you will walk on egg shells. If you do anything to try and stop it, you will get OWNED, and your boyfriend will protect his son from anything. The first thing for you to know is that your boyfriend's denial has nothing to do with the relationship he has with you, however, it is likely that hanging on to his parental denial and guilt is more important to him than hanging on to you. Try not to take this rejection personally. Letting go of denial and guilt will probably be the hardest thing your boyfriend would ever do in his whole life. Don't count on it. HE WILL NOT DO IT FOR YOU!!! He has to do it for himself and his son. Sorry for the doom and gloom. I don't like saying it. My situation hurt me badly. I always thought that if my girlfriend would just open her eyes a little bit, she would get it. When something MAJOR would happen, I would think, this is it! This is when she will "get it". It never happened. There were always excuses. Everyone else in the world was to blame, especially others in the family. Perhaps your situation really isn't as bad as mine was. Not sitting still at the dinner table, funny stares, and evil smiles sound easy to me. You have a son of your own, you need to think about what effects this relationship will bring him. Your number 1 responsiblity is taking care of YOUR son, not your love life. As a side note, I sometimes wonder that a diagnosis of "ADHD" is a way to facilitate a parents denial when a more severe personality disorder is at play. For example, if a more severe diagnosis was given, perhaps the doctors giving the diagnosis would also be "the problem", and the difficult child would have no treatment at all. The parent may seek another doctor that would give them a diagonsis they could stomach. [/QUOTE]
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