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My cousin showed up to dinner with-a black eye
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 482977" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>It's a very painful situation, Steely. As has been said, the longer the abused party stays, the harder it is to get out - I think there is an enormous well of self-hatred that accumulates, however suppressed, after staying with an abuser for a long time. It then becomes almost as if leaving means having to face the cowardice and fear of all the years one did not leave... </p><p>I wasn't physically abused in my marriage but I was certainly verbally abused. We lived for a long time in a kind of toxic cycle of him (not me) saying he wanted a divorce and me begging him to stay when it got to crunch point. Sounds awful, doesn't it, particularly when it was so clear to all and sundry that we were desperately unhappy together - with little islands of reconciliation and mutual effort to be happy. But mainly it was just hellish and some of the things he did were just mad. And bad. Yet I wouldn't leave. I think I feared being alone. Feared failure and probably feared myself. Kept believing in the illusion that it would change, despite all the evidence. I complained about it endlessly to friends but would not act.</p><p>And then... I became close friends with some dear, good Moroccans, husband and wife. They saw some of the madness, condemned it. Maybe I began to see some of the reality, admit it... I began to see that the abuse was unliveable and that I didn't want to live it any more. I began to want, more than having a husband or not being alone, peace of mind, sanity and wholesomeness. From that moment, it was clear - I wanted a divorce and stuck fast to that through all my husband's subsequent attempts to keep us together (when it came to it, he did not want to split up - also part of the madness). </p><p>Physical abuse is that much more terrifying than verbal abuse (though verbal abuse can be pretty terrifying). I don't know what it would take for your cousin to stop agreeing to the madness. One's self esteem gets so completely shattered and that, more than anything - even the practical, material considerations - is what keeps one coming back for more. Are there children in the marriage?? </p><p>I hope she can come to her senses. It is really difficult for you to have to see her suffer like that.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 482977, member: 11227"] It's a very painful situation, Steely. As has been said, the longer the abused party stays, the harder it is to get out - I think there is an enormous well of self-hatred that accumulates, however suppressed, after staying with an abuser for a long time. It then becomes almost as if leaving means having to face the cowardice and fear of all the years one did not leave... I wasn't physically abused in my marriage but I was certainly verbally abused. We lived for a long time in a kind of toxic cycle of him (not me) saying he wanted a divorce and me begging him to stay when it got to crunch point. Sounds awful, doesn't it, particularly when it was so clear to all and sundry that we were desperately unhappy together - with little islands of reconciliation and mutual effort to be happy. But mainly it was just hellish and some of the things he did were just mad. And bad. Yet I wouldn't leave. I think I feared being alone. Feared failure and probably feared myself. Kept believing in the illusion that it would change, despite all the evidence. I complained about it endlessly to friends but would not act. And then... I became close friends with some dear, good Moroccans, husband and wife. They saw some of the madness, condemned it. Maybe I began to see some of the reality, admit it... I began to see that the abuse was unliveable and that I didn't want to live it any more. I began to want, more than having a husband or not being alone, peace of mind, sanity and wholesomeness. From that moment, it was clear - I wanted a divorce and stuck fast to that through all my husband's subsequent attempts to keep us together (when it came to it, he did not want to split up - also part of the madness). Physical abuse is that much more terrifying than verbal abuse (though verbal abuse can be pretty terrifying). I don't know what it would take for your cousin to stop agreeing to the madness. One's self esteem gets so completely shattered and that, more than anything - even the practical, material considerations - is what keeps one coming back for more. Are there children in the marriage?? I hope she can come to her senses. It is really difficult for you to have to see her suffer like that. [/QUOTE]
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My cousin showed up to dinner with-a black eye
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